I just finished the main campaign in Fallout 3. It took my a couple of years because of how lazy I am with playing games but I finally reached the end.
I always treat RPG's like I myself were the character and so all the major decision I make revolve around helping people, saving kittens in trees, defusing nuclear warheads instead of detonating them for profit and the like.
So I am all for biting the metaphorical bullet and shouldering the responsibility of all of humanity in game like I try to do in real life...but then tonight I just sort of had a "wtf?!?" moment at the end of the game. The main character is asked to sacrifice his life to restore hope and clean water to the wastelands and...I just sat there and said to the computer monitor, "Really? Really! I have to save everyone because they are too lazy or selfish to actually get off their collective butts and do something for once?"
It is quite possible that I am merely projecting all of my current frustrations, fear and confusion onto the poor game...but I just realized how I keep putting myself into this 'savior' role I was never meant to fill.
Sometimes I wish someone would just walk up to me and say "It's okay Matthew, sit this one out." and then they will take me by the hand and shoulder and lead me to a place to sit down because I normally will not stop until I have almost self destructed from trying to do everything by myself.
I don't know why I do this to myself...or why I feel guilty for just sitting in a room very quietly and trying to relax but I do. I don't respond very well to over stimulation and that is all that is going on.
I seriously just need to be able to relax...but I can't.
I feel obligated to do everything.
Fix everyone.
If I am not busy I am worried and if I am not worried I am worried about not being worried...and so on and so forth.
But I am eating a blueberry poptart.
I don't want to deal with life.
Or feeling like I am not wanted or needed.
Or the nagging feeling I am just a temporary fix.
Poptarts are nice.
Tuesday, August 31, 2010
I just...
There is no point to writing it...it's the same thing...the same broken and crying prayer from the past several years.
Please heal, make me whole, make me able to function and just be able to get on with life. I don't care about occupations, schools, marriage or having a family...I just want to be able to function in day to day life.
I used up all of the pain medication thinking I was going to actually be fixed...God...I feel so naive and stupid to think that. I just...don't know what to do.
I can't keep living like this...
Oh well.
People prefer a comedy to a tragedy.
Who doesn't enjoy being lied to about bad news?
There is no point to writing it...it's the same thing...the same broken and crying prayer from the past several years.
Please heal, make me whole, make me able to function and just be able to get on with life. I don't care about occupations, schools, marriage or having a family...I just want to be able to function in day to day life.
I used up all of the pain medication thinking I was going to actually be fixed...God...I feel so naive and stupid to think that. I just...don't know what to do.
I can't keep living like this...
Oh well.
People prefer a comedy to a tragedy.
Who doesn't enjoy being lied to about bad news?
I hate to be incessantly negative...but if I can't function because of being sick, what is the point?
Is the point to try anyway, just to see what happens and hope for the absolute best?
Pink Floyd's album "Wish You Were Here" has become the unofficial soundtrack to this period of my life...I sort of understand now why my dad liked them so much. There is this subtle nature to their music which grows on you...a bit why I like the more experimental parts of U2's catalog.
There, I wrote something, a statement which was not complaining or about me being sick.
The next step is to transition that idea to something a bit more everyday...such as weather, cats or maybe candy.
Wow...that is utterly random.
I wonder...
Is the point to try anyway, just to see what happens and hope for the absolute best?
Pink Floyd's album "Wish You Were Here" has become the unofficial soundtrack to this period of my life...I sort of understand now why my dad liked them so much. There is this subtle nature to their music which grows on you...a bit why I like the more experimental parts of U2's catalog.
There, I wrote something, a statement which was not complaining or about me being sick.
The next step is to transition that idea to something a bit more everyday...such as weather, cats or maybe candy.
Wow...that is utterly random.
I wonder...
Change...directions...breathing, confusion...different ideas...different ideals...
Hmm...pain.
Choices, choices, choices...
Truth...or lies?
Is there ever lying for a good reason?
Words...subjectivity...
Might would be best to just avoid that sort altogether.
Otherwise...well...yeah.
Nerves, expressions, dissimulated...it's not real persay.
Electronic impulses are what you make of them...I think.
Hmm...pain.
Choices, choices, choices...
Truth...or lies?
Is there ever lying for a good reason?
Words...subjectivity...
Might would be best to just avoid that sort altogether.
Otherwise...well...yeah.
Nerves, expressions, dissimulated...it's not real persay.
Electronic impulses are what you make of them...I think.
I feel like a quote out of context
Withholding the rest
So I can be free what you want to see
I got the gesture and sound
Got the timing down
It's uncanny, yeah, you think it was me
Do you think I should take a class
To lose my southern accent
Did I make me up, or make the face till it stuck
I do the best imitation of myself
Withholding the rest
So I can be free what you want to see
I got the gesture and sound
Got the timing down
It's uncanny, yeah, you think it was me
Do you think I should take a class
To lose my southern accent
Did I make me up, or make the face till it stuck
I do the best imitation of myself
Monday, August 30, 2010
Quote of the Day:
“Hope begins in the dark, the stubborn hope that if you just show up and try to do the right thing, the dawn will come. You wait and watch and work: you don't give up.”
-Anne Lamott
-Anne Lamott
Psalm 120
"How I suffer in far-off Meshech.
It pains me to live in distant Kedar.
I am tired of living
among people who hate peace.
I search for peace;
but when I speak of peace, they want war!"
-Psalm 120:5-7
I feel like I am in exile from myself.
I keep running, running to hold the place I am at...and then I realize I have no clue as to what I was doing or where I was going in the first place.
I can go on about how unfair this is...but you already know.
You never delight in our sufferings...Jesus is mentioned as being a man of many sorrows...and living amongst us...it just brings comfort that you are a God that knows and cares about where we are, what we are doing and what will happen.
This isn't just some abstract philosophical concept...you love me, you desire me and even when I run away and hide so I can cry...you follow me and have your arms wide open to embrace me and love me...how can my paltry thanks ever be enough?
I am a hypocrite and cause pain...but I want to change, I want to bring peace where I go, peace at any cost except for striking back...true lasting peace, not one instilled by fear or coercion...but the peace built out of your love for me and the love you have put inside this broken heart.
The love you put in this heart doesn't stay because of all the cracks and fractures...the love you pour into me seeps, leaks and at times gushes out from me...and I want it to be love, not bitterness, resentment or poison...there is too much evil already.
I want to be broken open like a vessel of perfume so that when I am finally destroyed it brings peace...not more grief or pain.
Please.
Please change me.
Guide me.
Love me.
I love you Daddy.
It pains me to live in distant Kedar.
I am tired of living
among people who hate peace.
I search for peace;
but when I speak of peace, they want war!"
-Psalm 120:5-7
I feel like I am in exile from myself.
I keep running, running to hold the place I am at...and then I realize I have no clue as to what I was doing or where I was going in the first place.
I can go on about how unfair this is...but you already know.
You never delight in our sufferings...Jesus is mentioned as being a man of many sorrows...and living amongst us...it just brings comfort that you are a God that knows and cares about where we are, what we are doing and what will happen.
This isn't just some abstract philosophical concept...you love me, you desire me and even when I run away and hide so I can cry...you follow me and have your arms wide open to embrace me and love me...how can my paltry thanks ever be enough?
I am a hypocrite and cause pain...but I want to change, I want to bring peace where I go, peace at any cost except for striking back...true lasting peace, not one instilled by fear or coercion...but the peace built out of your love for me and the love you have put inside this broken heart.
The love you put in this heart doesn't stay because of all the cracks and fractures...the love you pour into me seeps, leaks and at times gushes out from me...and I want it to be love, not bitterness, resentment or poison...there is too much evil already.
I want to be broken open like a vessel of perfume so that when I am finally destroyed it brings peace...not more grief or pain.
Please.
Please change me.
Guide me.
Love me.
I love you Daddy.
I should be doing homework.
Or writing.
Maybe playing a video game.
Instead I am sitting here, in front of my computer drinking Gatorade and listening to "Wish You Were Here" by Pink Floyd, all the while feeling so freaked out about tomorrow.
I wish there were some easy answers...why did all of this have to fall at once?
I guess it's better now than much later...but still.
Is it so wrong to want to be liked and wanted and not to repulse people with my faith?
Ah...just randomness I guess.
I can't share these deep thoughts with anyone...I just have to fold my arms over my chest so they won't try to escape and cause more harm.
I don't know if I can ever trust so deeply like that again...it just is so hard to gather up the strength and faith to fly when it feels like your wings got crumpled up and are just a broken mess barely hanging on.
I have to be strong.
Or least wear a mask.
Maybe if I can pretend well enough the problems may go away...or at least I would have better conversational topics with people besides freaking out and thinking I am dying.
I mean...if this surgery happens...I will not be able to function for a while.
Major invasive surgery...and I will be stuck here...no school...not really seeing anyone at all. Who in their right mind would want to drive up here from Mobile just to see me drugged up and in pain?
I don't feel depressed, suicidal or anxiety.
I just feel...so useless and powerless, which in and of itself is scary enough.
I do not think it matters much because these problems are out of my hands.
I know you keep trying to get my attention Daddy, try to beat sense into me...that I need to sit still, be quite, let you love on me and transform me...but I am so scared of the pain...of what it will take for me to become more like you...and what else I will have to loose and endure loosing.
I want to be able to praise always in the light and dark...sickness and pain...good health and love.
I want so badly to be faithful...to endure to follow you where you guide.
I just am so blind and uncertain...help...please?
Or writing.
Maybe playing a video game.
Instead I am sitting here, in front of my computer drinking Gatorade and listening to "Wish You Were Here" by Pink Floyd, all the while feeling so freaked out about tomorrow.
I wish there were some easy answers...why did all of this have to fall at once?
I guess it's better now than much later...but still.
Is it so wrong to want to be liked and wanted and not to repulse people with my faith?
Ah...just randomness I guess.
I can't share these deep thoughts with anyone...I just have to fold my arms over my chest so they won't try to escape and cause more harm.
I don't know if I can ever trust so deeply like that again...it just is so hard to gather up the strength and faith to fly when it feels like your wings got crumpled up and are just a broken mess barely hanging on.
I have to be strong.
Or least wear a mask.
Maybe if I can pretend well enough the problems may go away...or at least I would have better conversational topics with people besides freaking out and thinking I am dying.
I mean...if this surgery happens...I will not be able to function for a while.
Major invasive surgery...and I will be stuck here...no school...not really seeing anyone at all. Who in their right mind would want to drive up here from Mobile just to see me drugged up and in pain?
I don't feel depressed, suicidal or anxiety.
I just feel...so useless and powerless, which in and of itself is scary enough.
I do not think it matters much because these problems are out of my hands.
I know you keep trying to get my attention Daddy, try to beat sense into me...that I need to sit still, be quite, let you love on me and transform me...but I am so scared of the pain...of what it will take for me to become more like you...and what else I will have to loose and endure loosing.
I want to be able to praise always in the light and dark...sickness and pain...good health and love.
I want so badly to be faithful...to endure to follow you where you guide.
I just am so blind and uncertain...help...please?
Overcast
Words, words, words
that is all they ever are.
Words, words, words
that is all they can be.
All is dark and shade
until a brilliant star
pierces the veil
breaking just when is apt
and opportune.
Falling like rain
full of grace
bringing life
and hope to this desert plain.
Endlessly falling
with little shape
of rhyme or reason
but words they are
and words they shall remain.
that is all they ever are.
Words, words, words
that is all they can be.
All is dark and shade
until a brilliant star
pierces the veil
breaking just when is apt
and opportune.
Falling like rain
full of grace
bringing life
and hope to this desert plain.
Endlessly falling
with little shape
of rhyme or reason
but words they are
and words they shall remain.
Quote of the Day:
"Teach me, O God, not to torture myself, not to make a martyr out of myself through stifling reflection, but rather teach me to breathe deeply in faith."
-Soren Kierkegaard
-Soren Kierkegaard
Sunday, August 29, 2010
"we are the few that won't say nothing right
we are the footsteps fading into the night
nobody cares and nobody stares with such conviction and i say:
i never wanted this, no one ever wanted this
but they gave it to you so you might as well be proud of it
and i don't know where we went wrong
all i know now is i got to do something right"
we are the footsteps fading into the night
nobody cares and nobody stares with such conviction and i say:
i never wanted this, no one ever wanted this
but they gave it to you so you might as well be proud of it
and i don't know where we went wrong
all i know now is i got to do something right"
Quote of the Day:
“To love at all is to be vulnerable. Love anything, and your heart will certainly be wrung and possibly broken. If you want to make sure of keeping it intact, you must give your heart to no one, not even to an animal. Wrap it carefully round with hobbies and little luxuries; avoid all entanglements; lock it up safe in the casket or coffin of your selfishness. But in that casket- safe, dark, motionless, airless--it will change. It will not be broken; it will become unbreakable, impenetrable, irredeemable.”
-C.S. Lewis
-C.S. Lewis
Will-o'-the-Wisp in the Soul
God...I just feel so alone and helpless.
I know you are there...that there is a reason and time...but that doesn't drive the fear away.
It is scary that you care enough to let me suffer so that I can grow, learn and mature...but does it have to hurt this bad?
Layers and layers and layers
of my soul gets peeled back,
showing the fragile soul below
as wisps of hope push out the bitter.
All my fancy word amount to nothing but a hollow sounding gong...because I am without love...not giving or being willing to accept it.
Father, Father, Father...I love you, even though I don't know how.
I need...you closer than ever before...just close the gap between us tonight.
I have...nothing.
Nothing more.
Just hope I am not suffering alone...that this pain will one day be gone...
*sigh*
Oh well...easy come, easy go...
I know you are there...that there is a reason and time...but that doesn't drive the fear away.
It is scary that you care enough to let me suffer so that I can grow, learn and mature...but does it have to hurt this bad?
Layers and layers and layers
of my soul gets peeled back,
showing the fragile soul below
as wisps of hope push out the bitter.
All my fancy word amount to nothing but a hollow sounding gong...because I am without love...not giving or being willing to accept it.
Father, Father, Father...I love you, even though I don't know how.
I need...you closer than ever before...just close the gap between us tonight.
I have...nothing.
Nothing more.
Just hope I am not suffering alone...that this pain will one day be gone...
*sigh*
Oh well...easy come, easy go...
Saturday, August 28, 2010
Letting go...never seemed more appealing than now.
Especially considering how desperately I need to get better...God alone knows how long I will be stuck here if I have to undergo any sort of surgery...
And rumors...It's UM so I'm not surprised...it still just absolutely sucks private business cannot be kept between two people...at the same time, because of the harm I caused...I deserve it. It's not like I was ever worthy of a sterling reputation anyway.
*sigh*
People make life too complicated.
But I can't go in a cave...I'll get too crazy.
I just..want to heal...my mind, body and soul...I don't want to cause more pain or drama...I just want to be healed...and have my heart and soul bandaged and loved...from the process of ripping it went through. I'm not angry and I'm doing what I can to not be bitter...I want what is best for everyone...
But what is best for me?
Especially considering how desperately I need to get better...God alone knows how long I will be stuck here if I have to undergo any sort of surgery...
And rumors...It's UM so I'm not surprised...it still just absolutely sucks private business cannot be kept between two people...at the same time, because of the harm I caused...I deserve it. It's not like I was ever worthy of a sterling reputation anyway.
*sigh*
People make life too complicated.
But I can't go in a cave...I'll get too crazy.
I just..want to heal...my mind, body and soul...I don't want to cause more pain or drama...I just want to be healed...and have my heart and soul bandaged and loved...from the process of ripping it went through. I'm not angry and I'm doing what I can to not be bitter...I want what is best for everyone...
But what is best for me?
Winding Down
Fallibility of life reaching out tonight,
fragrance of stagnating hope
all while waiting at this bus stop.
Sounds of crying and decay
all around
and in
consuming and infiltrating.
I can feel the sins of my own excess
crying up from the ground against me,
mixing and matching,
falling in ordered lineup
along nightmares
from long ago.
But what does one do
when one's dreams
become their terror of the night
and what does one do
when the god of self reaches out to embrace?
I am, I am, I am
screams out of purgatory
where the worst possible sentence
is getting everything you ever asked for
with nothing in return.
Freedom in a Hell of your own making,
falling and free
just within the constraints
of your own sick mind.
Freedom, true freedom
bought with blood
of a meek Lamb
and horrifyingly awe-some Lion
one of three
entwined beyond comprehension,
because human meaning.
It is, it is, it is
is what shall be said
and forever spoken of.
These poems, these words
never can they seek to convey
or illustrate
the complexities
and depth of my mind
and the thoughts
and the motives,
all which drive and push me onward.
You, dear reader,
the one reading
and filling in the gaps as it goes
we create this picture together.
Time and space are ignored
and the letters meld together
to form images
and a painting
varying in shades and hues.
The question,
is what do you see?
Does it matter what I meant?
Most of the time I have no,
these words just fall
and fall
and make their place.
Why?
No, not the most important question
but it is one that has driven me
since the chaos broke out.
However, since no one here knows
it'll simply have to be.
Choices, decisions, becomings, directives
and here we lay.
Lies and truth run together
and I look forward to the day
I leave all of this behind,
this soot and ash
and false words of no substance,
placating lies
perpetuating false grace.
My tongue just as guilty
so I point to myself first,
just know it hurts as well.
fragrance of stagnating hope
all while waiting at this bus stop.
Sounds of crying and decay
all around
and in
consuming and infiltrating.
I can feel the sins of my own excess
crying up from the ground against me,
mixing and matching,
falling in ordered lineup
along nightmares
from long ago.
But what does one do
when one's dreams
become their terror of the night
and what does one do
when the god of self reaches out to embrace?
I am, I am, I am
screams out of purgatory
where the worst possible sentence
is getting everything you ever asked for
with nothing in return.
Freedom in a Hell of your own making,
falling and free
just within the constraints
of your own sick mind.
Freedom, true freedom
bought with blood
of a meek Lamb
and horrifyingly awe-some Lion
one of three
entwined beyond comprehension,
because human meaning.
It is, it is, it is
is what shall be said
and forever spoken of.
These poems, these words
never can they seek to convey
or illustrate
the complexities
and depth of my mind
and the thoughts
and the motives,
all which drive and push me onward.
You, dear reader,
the one reading
and filling in the gaps as it goes
we create this picture together.
Time and space are ignored
and the letters meld together
to form images
and a painting
varying in shades and hues.
The question,
is what do you see?
Does it matter what I meant?
Most of the time I have no,
these words just fall
and fall
and make their place.
Why?
No, not the most important question
but it is one that has driven me
since the chaos broke out.
However, since no one here knows
it'll simply have to be.
Choices, decisions, becomings, directives
and here we lay.
Lies and truth run together
and I look forward to the day
I leave all of this behind,
this soot and ash
and false words of no substance,
placating lies
perpetuating false grace.
My tongue just as guilty
so I point to myself first,
just know it hurts as well.
Friday, August 27, 2010
Quote of the Day:
"I nursed my resentments and disgrace like young plants, watering them, trimming back the dead leaves, making sure they got enough sunlight.
At times like these, I believe, Jesus rolls up his sleeves and smiles roguishly, and thinks, "This is good." He lets me get nice and crazy, until I can't take my own thinking and solutions for one more moment. The next morning, I got on my knees and prayed "Please, please, help me. Please let me feel You while I adjust to not getting what I was hoping for."
And then I remembered Rule 1: When all else fails follow instructions. And Rule 2: Don't be an asshole."
-Anne Lamott
At times like these, I believe, Jesus rolls up his sleeves and smiles roguishly, and thinks, "This is good." He lets me get nice and crazy, until I can't take my own thinking and solutions for one more moment. The next morning, I got on my knees and prayed "Please, please, help me. Please let me feel You while I adjust to not getting what I was hoping for."
And then I remembered Rule 1: When all else fails follow instructions. And Rule 2: Don't be an asshole."
-Anne Lamott
Psalm 117
"Praise the Lord, all you nations.
Praise him, all you people of the earth.
For he loves us with unfailing love;
the Lord’s faithfulness endures forever.
Praise the Lord!"
-Psalm 117:1-2
This is it?
This is the entire psalm?
Honestly, the absolute last thing that was on my mind when I woke up this morning is "praise the Lord".
The absolute last thing I feel like doing is praising.
Maybe screaming.
Possibly jumping around my room punching and kicking the air out of frustration.
But praise?
No. Not in the least.
Maybe I am just bad at being a theology major but I refuse to do something that is not sincere, that is not an honest expression of my heart.
I am scared, I am bitter, I am terrified, I am in pain...I am full of fear and pain...so no the last thought on my mind is "praise the Lord/great things he hath done" because my first thought was "How bad is it going to be today?" "How painful will the tests be?" "Can't I just lay in bed and fade out of existence?"
I know there are absolutely wonderful and amazing things in life...and that there are flowers, sunshine and kittens...but they don't do a damn thing for me when the only thing I can do is curl up in a ball and cry from being in such pain.
Why are you so far away from me Lord?
Why do you wait so long to come and save me?
How long will you choose to turn a blind eye to your people, to me?
How long must we suffer in this world before you return and bring balance back into this world?
Yes, my sin is great.
I am jaded and bitter, cynical and full of hate...and for that I am sorry. I am sorry for being so weak, so quick to doubt and not believe you alone are worthy of praise...I'm sorry for being such a self-righteous git because it isn't helping me or anyone with dealing with me.
The last thing I ever intended was to get to upset over being in constant pain...but when it feels like every day might possibly be the worst day of my life...it starts to wear on one's soul.
How long?
How long to sing this song?
How long?
Oh, how long?
My throat is raw and I have no more tears to cry.
I'm so full of self I could just be like Jonah and lay here and sulk until I die from exposure. I am patterned after the worst of things here...and supposedly you still love me.
Why do I refuse to forgive and love?
Why do I want to hold onto these worldly nothings?
What can I do besides weep?
I want to be forgiven, I can't carry this burden...this weight on my own.
I'm holding too tight onto nothing that will never last and just cause me more pain.
I want to love you, I want to love you more and I need to be forgiven, I need the peace that can only come from you...I know that with you, we can do this together...I just need help standing back up...because I've fallen down again and am stuck flat on my face...sin and sin.
Where are we going?
Can we rest soon?
I feel faint from thirst and hunger...please keep me safe.
I'm so afraid of the lions that are out and about at night...please keep me safe.
I have nothing, all I am is found in you.
You alone Daddy.
Praise him, all you people of the earth.
For he loves us with unfailing love;
the Lord’s faithfulness endures forever.
Praise the Lord!"
-Psalm 117:1-2
This is it?
This is the entire psalm?
Honestly, the absolute last thing that was on my mind when I woke up this morning is "praise the Lord".
The absolute last thing I feel like doing is praising.
Maybe screaming.
Possibly jumping around my room punching and kicking the air out of frustration.
But praise?
No. Not in the least.
Maybe I am just bad at being a theology major but I refuse to do something that is not sincere, that is not an honest expression of my heart.
I am scared, I am bitter, I am terrified, I am in pain...I am full of fear and pain...so no the last thought on my mind is "praise the Lord/great things he hath done" because my first thought was "How bad is it going to be today?" "How painful will the tests be?" "Can't I just lay in bed and fade out of existence?"
I know there are absolutely wonderful and amazing things in life...and that there are flowers, sunshine and kittens...but they don't do a damn thing for me when the only thing I can do is curl up in a ball and cry from being in such pain.
Why are you so far away from me Lord?
Why do you wait so long to come and save me?
How long will you choose to turn a blind eye to your people, to me?
How long must we suffer in this world before you return and bring balance back into this world?
Yes, my sin is great.
I am jaded and bitter, cynical and full of hate...and for that I am sorry. I am sorry for being so weak, so quick to doubt and not believe you alone are worthy of praise...I'm sorry for being such a self-righteous git because it isn't helping me or anyone with dealing with me.
The last thing I ever intended was to get to upset over being in constant pain...but when it feels like every day might possibly be the worst day of my life...it starts to wear on one's soul.
How long?
How long to sing this song?
How long?
Oh, how long?
My throat is raw and I have no more tears to cry.
I'm so full of self I could just be like Jonah and lay here and sulk until I die from exposure. I am patterned after the worst of things here...and supposedly you still love me.
Why do I refuse to forgive and love?
Why do I want to hold onto these worldly nothings?
What can I do besides weep?
I want to be forgiven, I can't carry this burden...this weight on my own.
I'm holding too tight onto nothing that will never last and just cause me more pain.
I want to love you, I want to love you more and I need to be forgiven, I need the peace that can only come from you...I know that with you, we can do this together...I just need help standing back up...because I've fallen down again and am stuck flat on my face...sin and sin.
Where are we going?
Can we rest soon?
I feel faint from thirst and hunger...please keep me safe.
I'm so afraid of the lions that are out and about at night...please keep me safe.
I have nothing, all I am is found in you.
You alone Daddy.
I hate doctors and hospitals.
Nothing is going to come out of this painful and awkward experience...and getting a hold of the doctor afterward is going to prove to be nigh impossible.
I hate needles.
I hate pain.
I'm still hurting from Monday and I'm going to have a few more holes and bruises added to my collection.
Oh well.
Doesn't matter I suppose.
Just another day in my life.
Another round of nausea and pain, another round of pain and asking questions.
Even with my near insanity at times...thankfully things are not worse...I can barely cope as is.
Nothing is going to come out of this painful and awkward experience...and getting a hold of the doctor afterward is going to prove to be nigh impossible.
I hate needles.
I hate pain.
I'm still hurting from Monday and I'm going to have a few more holes and bruises added to my collection.
Oh well.
Doesn't matter I suppose.
Just another day in my life.
Another round of nausea and pain, another round of pain and asking questions.
Even with my near insanity at times...thankfully things are not worse...I can barely cope as is.
"It's common knowledge that you've been dead for a while.
It's well known that the cross is only a burden with pains and trials.
But thinking how come my shoes are so light,
how come I can walk for miles?
And still, just love you?
So I think I'll stay, caught up in silent prayer,
cause I believe in silence.
Our hearts speak the same words.
So why don't we just walk along the shoreline with our silent song?
Cause I believe in silence.
Our hearts speak the same words, the same words."
It's well known that the cross is only a burden with pains and trials.
But thinking how come my shoes are so light,
how come I can walk for miles?
And still, just love you?
So I think I'll stay, caught up in silent prayer,
cause I believe in silence.
Our hearts speak the same words.
So why don't we just walk along the shoreline with our silent song?
Cause I believe in silence.
Our hearts speak the same words, the same words."
Thursday, August 26, 2010
I'm awake...weird sleep and nap.
I wish I had something new to say...but I'm just exhausted and mentally far away...somewhere that I don't know.
I feel so foolish...even a touch of stupid over everything...
I just...oh dear...why do I even bother writing in this thing? Anyone already knows what I am thinking...all the fear, dread, self doubt, self loathing...this, that...at least I had an incredibly encouraging conversation this afternoon that was a God send.
I'm still jittery...nervous...and trying to tell myself that the test is going to be worth the discomfort and pain because they finally may find something this time...but yeah...I'm not really fooling myself. I can fool everyone else as long as I can keep my mouth shut and write about happy things...however I'm too tired to care about making everyone else feel better.
I can't carry that weight nor do I wish to...I'm not a hero or a saint...just Matthew...all the good and bad that comes with it. Maybe one day I'll stop trying to accomplish the impossible...and just be myself. That may serve to not drive as many people away from me all at once...
I wish I had something new to say...but I'm just exhausted and mentally far away...somewhere that I don't know.
I feel so foolish...even a touch of stupid over everything...
I just...oh dear...why do I even bother writing in this thing? Anyone already knows what I am thinking...all the fear, dread, self doubt, self loathing...this, that...at least I had an incredibly encouraging conversation this afternoon that was a God send.
I'm still jittery...nervous...and trying to tell myself that the test is going to be worth the discomfort and pain because they finally may find something this time...but yeah...I'm not really fooling myself. I can fool everyone else as long as I can keep my mouth shut and write about happy things...however I'm too tired to care about making everyone else feel better.
I can't carry that weight nor do I wish to...I'm not a hero or a saint...just Matthew...all the good and bad that comes with it. Maybe one day I'll stop trying to accomplish the impossible...and just be myself. That may serve to not drive as many people away from me all at once...
I feel so...so cold and numb.
I already know these tests will show nothing.
I wish I was stronger so I could just support everyone and still have strength for me...but I feel exhausted and dead and like...it is almost like none of it matters.
I'll go, experience more pain...get no answers...maybe try another doctor or another hospital...this is so frustrating...on top of everything else.
I just...no longer have the desire to put any effort forward right now...I'm going to ache, hurt and fall apart irregardless if there a name for it or not.
I already know these tests will show nothing.
I wish I was stronger so I could just support everyone and still have strength for me...but I feel exhausted and dead and like...it is almost like none of it matters.
I'll go, experience more pain...get no answers...maybe try another doctor or another hospital...this is so frustrating...on top of everything else.
I just...no longer have the desire to put any effort forward right now...I'm going to ache, hurt and fall apart irregardless if there a name for it or not.
It's stupid...but I'm scared.
Even if things were somehow different...I would still be walking on this lonely road alone. We're born and die alone...and time in between is spent in confusion trying to figure out where we are, where we are going and just why exactly...we all feel the way we do.
I have hope.
I don't exactly have peace.
I don't know what will happen.
I can hope and have faith...but love...it is a distant and confusing concept that I am trying to watch and evaluate again...and just come to some conclusion that I can understand...and find solace in.
Time keeps passing and going away.
I have nothing more and nothing less than myself to offer.
Only slight tweaks as the years go on...hopefully they are me becoming a better and more giving person...less angry and malicious...the last thing I want to do is repay pain with pain...because nothing will change that way.
Hope.
Faith.
And the smallest traces of what might be confused for being aspects of love, floating around in this broken and crooked heart of mine.
"So, so you think you can tell
Heaven from Hell,
Blue skys from pain.
Can you tell a green field
From a cold steel rail?
A smile from a veil?
Do you think you can tell?
And did they get you to trade
Your heros for ghosts?
Hot ashes for trees?
Hot air for a cool breeze?
Cold comfort for change?
And did you exchange
A walk on part in the war
For a lead role in a cage?
How I wish, how I wish you were here.
We're just two lost souls
Swimming in a fish bowl,
Year after year,
Running over the same old ground.
What have we found?
The same old fears.
Wish you were here."
Even if things were somehow different...I would still be walking on this lonely road alone. We're born and die alone...and time in between is spent in confusion trying to figure out where we are, where we are going and just why exactly...we all feel the way we do.
I have hope.
I don't exactly have peace.
I don't know what will happen.
I can hope and have faith...but love...it is a distant and confusing concept that I am trying to watch and evaluate again...and just come to some conclusion that I can understand...and find solace in.
Time keeps passing and going away.
I have nothing more and nothing less than myself to offer.
Only slight tweaks as the years go on...hopefully they are me becoming a better and more giving person...less angry and malicious...the last thing I want to do is repay pain with pain...because nothing will change that way.
Hope.
Faith.
And the smallest traces of what might be confused for being aspects of love, floating around in this broken and crooked heart of mine.
"So, so you think you can tell
Heaven from Hell,
Blue skys from pain.
Can you tell a green field
From a cold steel rail?
A smile from a veil?
Do you think you can tell?
And did they get you to trade
Your heros for ghosts?
Hot ashes for trees?
Hot air for a cool breeze?
Cold comfort for change?
And did you exchange
A walk on part in the war
For a lead role in a cage?
How I wish, how I wish you were here.
We're just two lost souls
Swimming in a fish bowl,
Year after year,
Running over the same old ground.
What have we found?
The same old fears.
Wish you were here."
Psalm 116
1 I love the Lord because he hears my voice
and my prayer for mercy.
2 Because he bends down to listen,
I will pray as long as I have breath!
3 Death wrapped its ropes around me;
the terrors of the grave[a] overtook me.
I saw only trouble and sorrow.
4 Then I called on the name of the Lord:
“Please, Lord, save me!”
5 How kind the Lord is! How good he is!
So merciful, this God of ours!
6 The Lord protects those of childlike faith;
I was facing death, and he saved me.
7 Let my soul be at rest again,
for the Lord has been good to me.
8 He has saved me from death,
my eyes from tears,
my feet from stumbling.
9 And so I walk in the Lord’s presence
as I live here on earth!
10 I believed in you, so I said,
“I am deeply troubled, Lord.”
11 In my anxiety I cried out to you,
“These people are all liars!”
12 What can I offer the Lord
for all he has done for me?
13 I will lift up the cup of salvation
and praise the Lord’s name for saving me.
14 I will keep my promises to the Lord
in the presence of all his people.
15 The Lord cares deeply
when his loved ones die.
16 O Lord, I am your servant;
yes, I am your servant, born into your household;
you have freed me from my chains.
17 I will offer you a sacrifice of thanksgiving
and call on the name of the Lord.
18 I will fulfill my vows to the Lord
in the presence of all his people—
19 in the house of the Lord
in the heart of Jerusalem.
Praise the Lord!
and my prayer for mercy.
2 Because he bends down to listen,
I will pray as long as I have breath!
3 Death wrapped its ropes around me;
the terrors of the grave[a] overtook me.
I saw only trouble and sorrow.
4 Then I called on the name of the Lord:
“Please, Lord, save me!”
5 How kind the Lord is! How good he is!
So merciful, this God of ours!
6 The Lord protects those of childlike faith;
I was facing death, and he saved me.
7 Let my soul be at rest again,
for the Lord has been good to me.
8 He has saved me from death,
my eyes from tears,
my feet from stumbling.
9 And so I walk in the Lord’s presence
as I live here on earth!
10 I believed in you, so I said,
“I am deeply troubled, Lord.”
11 In my anxiety I cried out to you,
“These people are all liars!”
12 What can I offer the Lord
for all he has done for me?
13 I will lift up the cup of salvation
and praise the Lord’s name for saving me.
14 I will keep my promises to the Lord
in the presence of all his people.
15 The Lord cares deeply
when his loved ones die.
16 O Lord, I am your servant;
yes, I am your servant, born into your household;
you have freed me from my chains.
17 I will offer you a sacrifice of thanksgiving
and call on the name of the Lord.
18 I will fulfill my vows to the Lord
in the presence of all his people—
19 in the house of the Lord
in the heart of Jerusalem.
Praise the Lord!
I feel cold and numb this morning all over...it certainly beats the pain I have been in...but I am having trouble stringing thoughts and words together...just...yeah...
Why did I stand so transfixed by the thought of playing music for so long?
That whole band, music, lyric...that thing I tried for years to accomplish before finally just giving up on it? When did I finally give up on that and just decided to move on with life?
I guess that is just moving on with life...and eventually I will get to a point where the whole relationship thing won't even come to mind or really even matter to me...it'll just be a drop in the bucket of events and ideas that have shaped who I am. Even with all the problems I had stemming from it...I don't know if I will even be thinking of it or talking to those in and around it in six months, a year...ten years...it is all that it is.
Things keep changing...keep spinning away from me...and I am just not even sure I know how to breath properly...
The cool mists keep blowing around me, ever changing as they shift here and there not bound by shape or form. They edge along like time, going wherever they go and yet I remain bound to this spot. I am not sure of my name or my place...simply that I am, I was and there is a possibility that I will be.
Nothing...nothing...nothing.
"The TV dies more and more for each day
And the beauty of your eyes (in my head)
Makes the flashing lights behind me on the wall look even more pale
Four o’clock and the sky is getting red
And here I am, just me waiting
Waiting for the sun to come out
I’m throwing myself at you
And I’m holding on for dear life
Can I scream out of tune in this choir
God help me scream
We are to follow
We are nothing running blind
We are to follow
We are so sick of it now
We are to follow
But I’m scared to be left behind
We are to follow
Nothing now
What if I would stand still and get moved
By You"
Why did I stand so transfixed by the thought of playing music for so long?
That whole band, music, lyric...that thing I tried for years to accomplish before finally just giving up on it? When did I finally give up on that and just decided to move on with life?
I guess that is just moving on with life...and eventually I will get to a point where the whole relationship thing won't even come to mind or really even matter to me...it'll just be a drop in the bucket of events and ideas that have shaped who I am. Even with all the problems I had stemming from it...I don't know if I will even be thinking of it or talking to those in and around it in six months, a year...ten years...it is all that it is.
Things keep changing...keep spinning away from me...and I am just not even sure I know how to breath properly...
The cool mists keep blowing around me, ever changing as they shift here and there not bound by shape or form. They edge along like time, going wherever they go and yet I remain bound to this spot. I am not sure of my name or my place...simply that I am, I was and there is a possibility that I will be.
Nothing...nothing...nothing.
"The TV dies more and more for each day
And the beauty of your eyes (in my head)
Makes the flashing lights behind me on the wall look even more pale
Four o’clock and the sky is getting red
And here I am, just me waiting
Waiting for the sun to come out
I’m throwing myself at you
And I’m holding on for dear life
Can I scream out of tune in this choir
God help me scream
We are to follow
We are nothing running blind
We are to follow
We are so sick of it now
We are to follow
But I’m scared to be left behind
We are to follow
Nothing now
What if I would stand still and get moved
By You"
Wednesday, August 25, 2010
"Speaking Out Against Calvinism"
Showbread posting this is yet another reason why I love that band so very very much...
Medical Melodrama
The scans and the blood work revealed nothing.
The soonest that I can be seen by a specialist is September 21st at 8:40.
Now that I know how things are going to be...I can actually say with absolutely no sarcasm and complete sincerity that I am glad I was broken up with. I already put one girl through the Hell of having to deal with me while physically and mentally falling apart and being on the edge of insanity and loss of reason at times...I have little desire to do that to anyone else.
I thought I had already ran the gauntlet and been through the worst...I had figured out an exercise regimen and diet that I could uphold...still working on find mental and spiritual peace...but hey, one out of three isn't too bad for me...but...
Is this going to be the rest of my life?
Pain?
Contrary to popular thought it doesn't get better with time and no you do not get used to feeling like you are melting from the inside out. I can appreciate well meaning intentions but this...
Why do you keep prompting me with Paul's writing from Corinthians?
I know it was not coincidence she mentioned his writings on the phone this morning...and you keep sending this zarking passage to me:
"That experience is worth boasting about, but I’m not going to do it. I will boast only about my weaknesses. If I wanted to boast, I would be no fool in doing so, because I would be telling the truth. But I won’t do it, because I don’t want anyone to give me credit beyond what they can see in my life or hear in my message, even though I have received such wonderful revelations from God. So to keep me from becoming proud, I was given a thorn in my flesh, a messenger from Satan to torment me and keep me from becoming proud.
Three different times I begged the Lord to take it away. Each time he said, “My grace is all you need. My power works best in weakness.” So now I am glad to boast about my weaknesses, so that the power of Christ can work through me. That’s why I take pleasure in my weaknesses, and in the insults, hardships, persecutions, and troubles that I suffer for Christ. For when I am weak, then I am strong."
-2 Corinthians 12:5-10
What do I have to boast about?
Driving people away from me because of trying to do the right thing?
Being afraid of trying to work in churches because of being ostracized and further alienated for daring to actually read the Bible?
What am I suppose to do, thank you for pain that leaves me crying and breathless?
Am I supposed to humble myself and thank you for allowing me to suffer more than I thought I could?
I'm not Paul, I'm Matthew Pike. I'm not an apostle just a student who can barely handle attending church because of the anxiety. I'm not a messenger and I'm not even a writer...I am just me.
I don't know what else I can say.
Does it even matter?
I am scared.
I am in pain.
I don't know what to do.
I am afraid that I am never going to be better and that each day is going to continue this trend of being excruciating pain with no real results...no real progress.
And yet I still believe.
I can't put it all into exact words...or phrase things to my liking...but I still believe and just...you can take such horrible things and turn them upside down and make something good come out of it.
Even this pain.
Because I believe in you, I love you and need you.
When you were dead in your sins and in the uncircumcision of your sinful nature, God made you alive with Christ. He forgave us all our sins, having canceled the written code, with its regulations, that was against us and that stood opposed to us; he took it away, nailing it to the cross. And having disarmed the powers and authorities, he made a public spectacle of them, triumphing over them by the cross.
-Colossians 2:13-15
If you could take something as horrifying as your death on a cross...and turn it upside down and cast aside Satan and death...what could you do with this?
I am weak, so weary, so tired...so very, very tired...but could you please take this pain, take this fear, take this living nightmare...and make something beautiful of it?
"And I know it aches and your heart it breaks
And you can only take so much
Walk on
Leave it behind
You've got to leave it behind"
The soonest that I can be seen by a specialist is September 21st at 8:40.
Now that I know how things are going to be...I can actually say with absolutely no sarcasm and complete sincerity that I am glad I was broken up with. I already put one girl through the Hell of having to deal with me while physically and mentally falling apart and being on the edge of insanity and loss of reason at times...I have little desire to do that to anyone else.
I thought I had already ran the gauntlet and been through the worst...I had figured out an exercise regimen and diet that I could uphold...still working on find mental and spiritual peace...but hey, one out of three isn't too bad for me...but...
Is this going to be the rest of my life?
Pain?
Contrary to popular thought it doesn't get better with time and no you do not get used to feeling like you are melting from the inside out. I can appreciate well meaning intentions but this...
Why do you keep prompting me with Paul's writing from Corinthians?
I know it was not coincidence she mentioned his writings on the phone this morning...and you keep sending this zarking passage to me:
"That experience is worth boasting about, but I’m not going to do it. I will boast only about my weaknesses. If I wanted to boast, I would be no fool in doing so, because I would be telling the truth. But I won’t do it, because I don’t want anyone to give me credit beyond what they can see in my life or hear in my message, even though I have received such wonderful revelations from God. So to keep me from becoming proud, I was given a thorn in my flesh, a messenger from Satan to torment me and keep me from becoming proud.
Three different times I begged the Lord to take it away. Each time he said, “My grace is all you need. My power works best in weakness.” So now I am glad to boast about my weaknesses, so that the power of Christ can work through me. That’s why I take pleasure in my weaknesses, and in the insults, hardships, persecutions, and troubles that I suffer for Christ. For when I am weak, then I am strong."
-2 Corinthians 12:5-10
What do I have to boast about?
Driving people away from me because of trying to do the right thing?
Being afraid of trying to work in churches because of being ostracized and further alienated for daring to actually read the Bible?
What am I suppose to do, thank you for pain that leaves me crying and breathless?
Am I supposed to humble myself and thank you for allowing me to suffer more than I thought I could?
I'm not Paul, I'm Matthew Pike. I'm not an apostle just a student who can barely handle attending church because of the anxiety. I'm not a messenger and I'm not even a writer...I am just me.
I don't know what else I can say.
Does it even matter?
I am scared.
I am in pain.
I don't know what to do.
I am afraid that I am never going to be better and that each day is going to continue this trend of being excruciating pain with no real results...no real progress.
And yet I still believe.
I can't put it all into exact words...or phrase things to my liking...but I still believe and just...you can take such horrible things and turn them upside down and make something good come out of it.
Even this pain.
Because I believe in you, I love you and need you.
When you were dead in your sins and in the uncircumcision of your sinful nature, God made you alive with Christ. He forgave us all our sins, having canceled the written code, with its regulations, that was against us and that stood opposed to us; he took it away, nailing it to the cross. And having disarmed the powers and authorities, he made a public spectacle of them, triumphing over them by the cross.
-Colossians 2:13-15
If you could take something as horrifying as your death on a cross...and turn it upside down and cast aside Satan and death...what could you do with this?
I am weak, so weary, so tired...so very, very tired...but could you please take this pain, take this fear, take this living nightmare...and make something beautiful of it?
"And I know it aches and your heart it breaks
And you can only take so much
Walk on
Leave it behind
You've got to leave it behind"
My life can currently be described as being a cross between Pink Floyd's "The Wall" and Nine Inch Nails' "The Downward Spiral".
Good albums.
Not exactly my idea of a vacation however.
I am going to be so upset (ironically) if all this sickness is psychosomatic.
More pills.
More medication.
Childish?
Self deprecation is...the rest of me...I don't know...don't know...
I'm not happy...I don't enjoy being in bed taking pills and feeling pain.
That is something...I don't enjoy where I am at...I am just not sure where I am working myself towards...because I feel so...
Bah.
I can't even get coherent thoughts...focused...still so...confused...disoriented from medication and the call...this is reading like very horrible postmodern fiction...maybe I should just delete this, delete the blog and just put a picture of a kitten or something.
That would certainly increase the number of return readers.
Good albums.
Not exactly my idea of a vacation however.
I am going to be so upset (ironically) if all this sickness is psychosomatic.
More pills.
More medication.
Childish?
Self deprecation is...the rest of me...I don't know...don't know...
I'm not happy...I don't enjoy being in bed taking pills and feeling pain.
That is something...I don't enjoy where I am at...I am just not sure where I am working myself towards...because I feel so...
Bah.
I can't even get coherent thoughts...focused...still so...confused...disoriented from medication and the call...this is reading like very horrible postmodern fiction...maybe I should just delete this, delete the blog and just put a picture of a kitten or something.
That would certainly increase the number of return readers.
Tuesday, August 24, 2010
Psalm 114
"Tremble, O earth, at the presence of the Lord,
at the presence of the God of Jacob.
He turned the rock into a pool of water;
yes, a spring of water flowed from solid rock."
-Psalm 114:7-8
You brought water for the dying from a rock...my soul needs nourishment because it is parched, it is starved...for love, true love that lasts beyond the temporal.
My body is full of fear...I am so confused and tired...I just want to be full of love again and have my brokenness repaired.
at the presence of the God of Jacob.
He turned the rock into a pool of water;
yes, a spring of water flowed from solid rock."
-Psalm 114:7-8
You brought water for the dying from a rock...my soul needs nourishment because it is parched, it is starved...for love, true love that lasts beyond the temporal.
My body is full of fear...I am so confused and tired...I just want to be full of love again and have my brokenness repaired.
Monday, August 23, 2010
Falling into Sleep
Scratching echos
and vivid times,
split across worlds
and found again in this room.
I feel the life bleeding out
and I wonder why,
just why it was tried
when full well knowing
it couldn't, shouldn't
and never would work.
Periods of time wrapped in dimensional space.
I am sick of everything as it is not
and the forced delay of climax.
If I have my Jesus
why would I care about being married?
I wish relationships of all sorts were indeed for the weak
because I am so tried and too tired
to bring any of it together.
So much medication, so much pain, so much fear...
and it is just you and me here...what matters if others see?
Maybe it will either drive to or so far away from my faith
that they don't know what hit them.
It matters...it does not matter.
It's both.
It is also nothing all at once.
It is lies coming in through your headset
and your eyes bleeding from seeing pain.
If one was lucky people would just say he was insane,
the worst part might be trust
is that everything will work out
and one day I will be healed.
I want to say it matters but it is so hard
to make that last
to make the words stick
to be able to say what I mean
and truly mean it in words.
I lay here tortured by small images of flickering light
revealing my weaknesses and vividly illustrates
lies, fears, truths and hope...everything and nothing.
All a base formula of insanity.
and vivid times,
split across worlds
and found again in this room.
I feel the life bleeding out
and I wonder why,
just why it was tried
when full well knowing
it couldn't, shouldn't
and never would work.
Periods of time wrapped in dimensional space.
I am sick of everything as it is not
and the forced delay of climax.
If I have my Jesus
why would I care about being married?
I wish relationships of all sorts were indeed for the weak
because I am so tried and too tired
to bring any of it together.
So much medication, so much pain, so much fear...
and it is just you and me here...what matters if others see?
Maybe it will either drive to or so far away from my faith
that they don't know what hit them.
It matters...it does not matter.
It's both.
It is also nothing all at once.
It is lies coming in through your headset
and your eyes bleeding from seeing pain.
If one was lucky people would just say he was insane,
the worst part might be trust
is that everything will work out
and one day I will be healed.
I want to say it matters but it is so hard
to make that last
to make the words stick
to be able to say what I mean
and truly mean it in words.
I lay here tortured by small images of flickering light
revealing my weaknesses and vividly illustrates
lies, fears, truths and hope...everything and nothing.
All a base formula of insanity.
Psalm 113
"He lifts the poor from the dust
and the needy from the garbage dump.
He sets them among princes,
even the princes of his own people!"
-Psalm 113: 7-8
In so many ways I feel like I am laying in the dirt, the dust and mud you formed man from....I just feel like a broken vase that needs to be broken down so maybe I can be salvaged and rebuilt.
Why do I hate myself so often so many times?
Why...how...why would you bother taken one as dirty and broken as me and place me beside your throne...I deserve nothing and so often just wish to break myself...than you for letting me find some pain relief...and for looking after me...and loving me.
I want to praise you in this hellish storm of confusion and pain.
Please teach me to love.
Please.
and the needy from the garbage dump.
He sets them among princes,
even the princes of his own people!"
-Psalm 113: 7-8
In so many ways I feel like I am laying in the dirt, the dust and mud you formed man from....I just feel like a broken vase that needs to be broken down so maybe I can be salvaged and rebuilt.
Why do I hate myself so often so many times?
Why...how...why would you bother taken one as dirty and broken as me and place me beside your throne...I deserve nothing and so often just wish to break myself...than you for letting me find some pain relief...and for looking after me...and loving me.
I want to praise you in this hellish storm of confusion and pain.
Please teach me to love.
Please.
Quote of the Day:
"Why am I afraid to dance, I who love music and rhythm and grace and song and laughter? Why am I afraid to live, I who love life and the beauty of flesh and the living colors of the earth and sky and sea? Why am I afraid to love, I who love love?"
— Eugene O'Neill
— Eugene O'Neill
Sunday, August 22, 2010
Psalm 112
"Praise the Lord!
How joyful are those who fear the Lord
and delight in obeying his commands."
"The wicked will see this and be infuriated.
They will grind their teeth in anger;
they will slink away, their hopes thwarted."
-Psalm 112:1,10
Fear...respect...love...cherish...so many thoughts about You...so many things...thoughts, contemplations...I'm not sure.
So many things I do not know...and just...
I need you.
So much.
I miss you.
I love you.
I need you.
I want to feel your presence, feel it in such a vivid and real manner that I can just let go...let go and be in your arms...fall in love again...and more than emotion feel your strength, the infinite nature of you that shakes me to the core and reminds me I am yours.
I just...I'm here.
Things have shifted and I am so confused and afloat...and I just want to know you more. I want to love you. I want to be loved by you.
Have I said the same words over and over enough?
This all feels so fake...I feel fake.
I just need you.
How joyful are those who fear the Lord
and delight in obeying his commands."
"The wicked will see this and be infuriated.
They will grind their teeth in anger;
they will slink away, their hopes thwarted."
-Psalm 112:1,10
Fear...respect...love...cherish...so many thoughts about You...so many things...thoughts, contemplations...I'm not sure.
So many things I do not know...and just...
I need you.
So much.
I miss you.
I love you.
I need you.
I want to feel your presence, feel it in such a vivid and real manner that I can just let go...let go and be in your arms...fall in love again...and more than emotion feel your strength, the infinite nature of you that shakes me to the core and reminds me I am yours.
I just...I'm here.
Things have shifted and I am so confused and afloat...and I just want to know you more. I want to love you. I want to be loved by you.
Have I said the same words over and over enough?
This all feels so fake...I feel fake.
I just need you.
Hope
I just want to run into your arms.
Run there and hide from the world.
Everything is fleeting
and everything is passing
soon this age will be no more.
Daddy I need your love,
Father be my Father
and watch over me.
The day is coming soon
when this will be no more
and all I can do is hope
and wait.
Looking off into eternity from this dock
as I watch the waves of time
roll in and out.
Hoping, waiting,
just holding on while looking
and anticipating
for the climax of love.
Seagulls overhead
as the wind blows from the West
carrying sweet smells of life.
Divine love,
redemption for creation
and a world without end.
Hope, never ending hope.
Run there and hide from the world.
Everything is fleeting
and everything is passing
soon this age will be no more.
Daddy I need your love,
Father be my Father
and watch over me.
The day is coming soon
when this will be no more
and all I can do is hope
and wait.
Looking off into eternity from this dock
as I watch the waves of time
roll in and out.
Hoping, waiting,
just holding on while looking
and anticipating
for the climax of love.
Seagulls overhead
as the wind blows from the West
carrying sweet smells of life.
Divine love,
redemption for creation
and a world without end.
Hope, never ending hope.
So far, so good, or so they say from mission control,
The deep of space is no place for a fragile human soul.
The rockets burn as servos click and turn,
and fall into their place.
Robots can't cry,
don't laugh,
can't die,
In the darkness of space.
He is strong, made of steel with the graphite lining,
Watch his eyes flicker slow like the batteries are dying.
Space Robot 5,
Is he alive?
So very alone,
So far from home.
Three strands of wire,
Threefold the tie that binds.
She is the one thing on the earth for which he still pines.
To his heart she was life,
So he prays to his Maker with a sigh,
As his fire sputters out,
Because robots never cry.
-Brave Saint Saturn, "Space Robot 5"
The deep of space is no place for a fragile human soul.
The rockets burn as servos click and turn,
and fall into their place.
Robots can't cry,
don't laugh,
can't die,
In the darkness of space.
He is strong, made of steel with the graphite lining,
Watch his eyes flicker slow like the batteries are dying.
Space Robot 5,
Is he alive?
So very alone,
So far from home.
Three strands of wire,
Threefold the tie that binds.
She is the one thing on the earth for which he still pines.
To his heart she was life,
So he prays to his Maker with a sigh,
As his fire sputters out,
Because robots never cry.
-Brave Saint Saturn, "Space Robot 5"
Saturday, August 21, 2010
Quote of the Day:
"The pain I feel now is the happiness I had before. That's the deal."
-C.S. Lewis
My mother actually reminded me of this quote earlier...I'm not sure if she intended to be profound...but the idea of the change of relationships being so much like that of death...just struck me as being more true than I could realize.
It is a death of some sort...one might even say like a seed going into the ground or a caterpillar weaving a cocoon to live in.
There is the reciprocation that occurs with relationships...the more we invest our time, energy, love, passion and desires into it...when it ends is the greater the pain we experience.
It's the trade off we receive for such things.
The grander the passion, the greater we will suffer when it inevitably has to end.
There is nothing that will survive this world unscathed.
Especially something as pure as love.
All the philosophy, wisdom and theology do absolutely nothing to console me in my pain. I pray, I cry out and receive no answer...I thought it was something of God...but it was not. Quite clearly the one sided misery I suppose would be enough to illustrate that...
I just do not understand this.
People are so utterly confusing and every time I think I understand something and simply take it for granted there is this explosion.
I want so desperately to be right about it...for things to work...but what is the point?
Quite clearly if it wasn't worth fighting for...worth striving for, worth dividing Hell and Heaven over...then it wasn't love. Or at least love from how I understood it, felt it, experienced it, breathed it in, devoured it, drank it in...not just emotions, not just a mental exercise...but this all encompassing shaking of my soul.
I felt my soul tremble before God...and before her.
Maybe it was something I had built up in my head...but I do not think so.
There was something...beautiful, wonderful, amazing, breath taking...wonder beyond wonder...awe-inspiring awesome.
I started to understand WHY and HOW marriage in and of itself could illustrate the furious longings of God for us...the weakness, the power, the pain, the wonder...all of it, all of it, all of it...
I refuse to die over this.
My soul has been hurt.
I feel as though it has been stabbed deeply and an infecting poison is flowing throughout it.
That is why I write.
I write to preserve what little sanity I have left.
I have to write the thoughts that come out...I like knowing others read but ultimately if I was the last person alive I would still be writing, typing, putting words everywhere.
I don't understand what happend.
I still feel as though I was hit by lightning.
Ran over by a van.
Shot by something annoying.
There is an irritation in my soul with no relief.
And I do not know if I seek the cure.
I can't listen to the majority of my music now because it has changed meaning.
I no longer view it in the same light.
I can't.
I thought, I felt, I saw and now no longer.
Why?
That is the perennial question with no resolution.
I guess it has no meaning and doesn't matter if it is answered.
God responded to Moses and Job by saying "I Am".
Jesus mentioned to me while I was driving today that he knows what it is like to not have love or affection returned...not that I am trying to pull my own needless messianic tendencies but...all the pain, all the pleasure...everything that is here and there...are reflections of what is to come and what has always been.
I doubt.
I fear.
I have pain.
More pain than I feel I can ever bare.
More emotion than I ever wanted.
My tears are not wiped away and they are my food and drink.
Such beauty.
Such grace.
Such power.
I mentioned having the power to destroy this soul...I overstated that madam, but barely.
-C.S. Lewis
My mother actually reminded me of this quote earlier...I'm not sure if she intended to be profound...but the idea of the change of relationships being so much like that of death...just struck me as being more true than I could realize.
It is a death of some sort...one might even say like a seed going into the ground or a caterpillar weaving a cocoon to live in.
There is the reciprocation that occurs with relationships...the more we invest our time, energy, love, passion and desires into it...when it ends is the greater the pain we experience.
It's the trade off we receive for such things.
The grander the passion, the greater we will suffer when it inevitably has to end.
There is nothing that will survive this world unscathed.
Especially something as pure as love.
All the philosophy, wisdom and theology do absolutely nothing to console me in my pain. I pray, I cry out and receive no answer...I thought it was something of God...but it was not. Quite clearly the one sided misery I suppose would be enough to illustrate that...
I just do not understand this.
People are so utterly confusing and every time I think I understand something and simply take it for granted there is this explosion.
I want so desperately to be right about it...for things to work...but what is the point?
Quite clearly if it wasn't worth fighting for...worth striving for, worth dividing Hell and Heaven over...then it wasn't love. Or at least love from how I understood it, felt it, experienced it, breathed it in, devoured it, drank it in...not just emotions, not just a mental exercise...but this all encompassing shaking of my soul.
I felt my soul tremble before God...and before her.
Maybe it was something I had built up in my head...but I do not think so.
There was something...beautiful, wonderful, amazing, breath taking...wonder beyond wonder...awe-inspiring awesome.
I started to understand WHY and HOW marriage in and of itself could illustrate the furious longings of God for us...the weakness, the power, the pain, the wonder...all of it, all of it, all of it...
I refuse to die over this.
My soul has been hurt.
I feel as though it has been stabbed deeply and an infecting poison is flowing throughout it.
That is why I write.
I write to preserve what little sanity I have left.
I have to write the thoughts that come out...I like knowing others read but ultimately if I was the last person alive I would still be writing, typing, putting words everywhere.
I don't understand what happend.
I still feel as though I was hit by lightning.
Ran over by a van.
Shot by something annoying.
There is an irritation in my soul with no relief.
And I do not know if I seek the cure.
I can't listen to the majority of my music now because it has changed meaning.
I no longer view it in the same light.
I can't.
I thought, I felt, I saw and now no longer.
Why?
That is the perennial question with no resolution.
I guess it has no meaning and doesn't matter if it is answered.
God responded to Moses and Job by saying "I Am".
Jesus mentioned to me while I was driving today that he knows what it is like to not have love or affection returned...not that I am trying to pull my own needless messianic tendencies but...all the pain, all the pleasure...everything that is here and there...are reflections of what is to come and what has always been.
I doubt.
I fear.
I have pain.
More pain than I feel I can ever bare.
More emotion than I ever wanted.
My tears are not wiped away and they are my food and drink.
Such beauty.
Such grace.
Such power.
I mentioned having the power to destroy this soul...I overstated that madam, but barely.
A Wishing Well
Potent thoughts
playing at mixing metaphors
with proverbs
under a twilight sun.
To pretend to be other than myself
would result in a poorly made tapestry,
when all I wish is to spin a tale,
talking of truth
and many more convenient lies.
Murky water filled with grains,
possible versions flitting in the light
as I hope
just hope to be true
and...
The problem is that I deny joy
or wish for pain
it is my place here,
within the shadows
where I am forced to parlay.
The memories,
facades playing out on the wall
are my weakness,
these simulated
and faltering caricatures.
I have pain as my drug
but I am never coming down
because of the sin.
I can't pretend these rusted coins matter
because they are my memories,
flickers of shiny metal
in red light
as everything fades from view.
All opinions
deep thoughts
that make me want to scream
because I want to stop
and no longer feel.
I just do not understand.
It doesn't process
and sadly
I can only lie
just a bit more.
I thought I knew.
I swore I understood.
But the times have changed
and everything
has been pulled out
and I am falling,
wind in my hair
arms out
as I pray
seeking,
looking,
hoping,
for whatever may
just may be.
playing at mixing metaphors
with proverbs
under a twilight sun.
To pretend to be other than myself
would result in a poorly made tapestry,
when all I wish is to spin a tale,
talking of truth
and many more convenient lies.
Murky water filled with grains,
possible versions flitting in the light
as I hope
just hope to be true
and...
The problem is that I deny joy
or wish for pain
it is my place here,
within the shadows
where I am forced to parlay.
The memories,
facades playing out on the wall
are my weakness,
these simulated
and faltering caricatures.
I have pain as my drug
but I am never coming down
because of the sin.
I can't pretend these rusted coins matter
because they are my memories,
flickers of shiny metal
in red light
as everything fades from view.
All opinions
deep thoughts
that make me want to scream
because I want to stop
and no longer feel.
I just do not understand.
It doesn't process
and sadly
I can only lie
just a bit more.
I thought I knew.
I swore I understood.
But the times have changed
and everything
has been pulled out
and I am falling,
wind in my hair
arms out
as I pray
seeking,
looking,
hoping,
for whatever may
just may be.
I have prayed.
Beaten my body to death with exercise.
Still feel nauseated.
I just...don't know what to do.
I just a piece of hair from my cat fly off my computer keyboard and it was almost enough to make me cry.
I quite clearly have some issues.
However...I don't know what to do...
I wish I had someone to watch Doctor Who with right now...it is so emotional and insane that I just can't stand watching it by myself.
Lame as that is.
Beaten my body to death with exercise.
Still feel nauseated.
I just...don't know what to do.
I just a piece of hair from my cat fly off my computer keyboard and it was almost enough to make me cry.
I quite clearly have some issues.
However...I don't know what to do...
I wish I had someone to watch Doctor Who with right now...it is so emotional and insane that I just can't stand watching it by myself.
Lame as that is.
"So let us come boldly to the throne of our gracious God. There we will receive his mercy, and we will find grace to help us when we need it most."
-Hebrews 4:16
"And so, dear brothers and sisters, we can boldly enter heaven’s Most Holy Place because of the blood of Jesus. By his death, Jesus opened a new and life-giving way through the curtain into the Most Holy Place. And since we have a great High Priest who rules over God’s house, let us go right into the presence of God with sincere hearts fully trusting him. For our guilty consciences have been sprinkled with Christ’s blood to make us clean, and our bodies have been washed with pure water."
-Hebrews 10:19-22
-Hebrews 4:16
"And so, dear brothers and sisters, we can boldly enter heaven’s Most Holy Place because of the blood of Jesus. By his death, Jesus opened a new and life-giving way through the curtain into the Most Holy Place. And since we have a great High Priest who rules over God’s house, let us go right into the presence of God with sincere hearts fully trusting him. For our guilty consciences have been sprinkled with Christ’s blood to make us clean, and our bodies have been washed with pure water."
-Hebrews 10:19-22
Psalm 111
"He has paid a full ransom for his people.
He has guaranteed his covenant with them forever.
What a holy, awe-inspiring name he has!
Fear of the Lord is the foundation of true wisdom.
All who obey his commandments will grow in wisdom.
Praise him forever!"
-Psalm 111:9-10
I...want to be faithful.
I have been so concerned about...people...things...her; decisions, choices, consequences, sin...things.
Why...do I care...and concerned...and...and...and...
I don't know how to cope with any of this.
Your glory, your majesty, your perfection...and then there is actually living life...sins, passion, feelings, things...more things, even more things...me being too far above people to where there is no real substance of relationship.
I am either petrified or screw things up...the beautiful thing is You don't hate me. I sometimes think you are the only one who cares...and conversely the only one who can hate me so much...
But...but...grace?
Love?
I am so tired.
I am so so tired.
What do You want from me?
Love, trust, intimacy...I just want to be yours.
You paid for me with blood...blood I can't take for granted by just behaving like a juvenile. I have been a fool...and just I don't know.
I don't know...
He has guaranteed his covenant with them forever.
What a holy, awe-inspiring name he has!
Fear of the Lord is the foundation of true wisdom.
All who obey his commandments will grow in wisdom.
Praise him forever!"
-Psalm 111:9-10
I...want to be faithful.
I have been so concerned about...people...things...her; decisions, choices, consequences, sin...things.
Why...do I care...and concerned...and...and...and...
I don't know how to cope with any of this.
Your glory, your majesty, your perfection...and then there is actually living life...sins, passion, feelings, things...more things, even more things...me being too far above people to where there is no real substance of relationship.
I am either petrified or screw things up...the beautiful thing is You don't hate me. I sometimes think you are the only one who cares...and conversely the only one who can hate me so much...
But...but...grace?
Love?
I am so tired.
I am so so tired.
What do You want from me?
Love, trust, intimacy...I just want to be yours.
You paid for me with blood...blood I can't take for granted by just behaving like a juvenile. I have been a fool...and just I don't know.
I don't know...
Friday, August 20, 2010
So far from home...
I just don't know what is real...I am not sure.
I thought I knew.
I want to cry...and let out the years of not knowing...but I have peace right now.
I dreamed.
I still dream.
Such beautiful dreams of hope.
But they aren't allowed to be mine...
I do not know.
I want to have peace with not knowing, with being confused and in the pain.
I want to bless your name for the good and the bad.
I want to be able to thank you for letting me live at all.
It is so hard, so very hard.
But you are still good.
Even when things do not make sense.
Even when I feel such bitterness and betrayal.
I feel.
I see.
Both more than any of you might still believe.
But nothing can be forced or made to happen.
I am so tired.
So very alone.
So empty right now.
Messiah born in Bethlehem, you knew what it was like to be in a group of people but still be alone. You know what it is like to cry, to mourn over what feels like the death of hope...of everything I thought I knew.
You see me laying here, you see me in pain.
I guess it was stupid to think things would work with her...and that I finally was working my way on a path to some sort of semblance of a life that makes sense.
I trusted...and forced my heart open and just...don't understand what I did wrong...where I went wrong and how I sinned...what I did...
Why does it always end up with me being alone like this?
I know I am not alone...but...I'm here now in pain.
Trying not to throw up, trying to stay focused but God...I am in so much pain.
My body and soul both ache and have no relief.
What can I say?
What can I do?
Does it even matter?
Does it even matter if it does matter?
I just...do...not...know.
I cannot keep living like this.
I cannot keep loosing everyone I grow attached to.
I feel so jaded and broken...that I just don't even want to try anymore.
I don't know what else I can say...type...or pray...
I am just tired.
So tired.
So alone.
So far from home.
So very alone.
I thought I knew.
I want to cry...and let out the years of not knowing...but I have peace right now.
I dreamed.
I still dream.
Such beautiful dreams of hope.
But they aren't allowed to be mine...
I do not know.
I want to have peace with not knowing, with being confused and in the pain.
I want to bless your name for the good and the bad.
I want to be able to thank you for letting me live at all.
It is so hard, so very hard.
But you are still good.
Even when things do not make sense.
Even when I feel such bitterness and betrayal.
I feel.
I see.
Both more than any of you might still believe.
But nothing can be forced or made to happen.
I am so tired.
So very alone.
So empty right now.
Messiah born in Bethlehem, you knew what it was like to be in a group of people but still be alone. You know what it is like to cry, to mourn over what feels like the death of hope...of everything I thought I knew.
You see me laying here, you see me in pain.
I guess it was stupid to think things would work with her...and that I finally was working my way on a path to some sort of semblance of a life that makes sense.
I trusted...and forced my heart open and just...don't understand what I did wrong...where I went wrong and how I sinned...what I did...
Why does it always end up with me being alone like this?
I know I am not alone...but...I'm here now in pain.
Trying not to throw up, trying to stay focused but God...I am in so much pain.
My body and soul both ache and have no relief.
What can I say?
What can I do?
Does it even matter?
Does it even matter if it does matter?
I just...do...not...know.
I cannot keep living like this.
I cannot keep loosing everyone I grow attached to.
I feel so jaded and broken...that I just don't even want to try anymore.
I don't know what else I can say...type...or pray...
I am just tired.
So tired.
So alone.
So far from home.
So very alone.
Psalm 110
"The Lord said to my Lord,
“Sit in the place of honor at my right hand
until I humble your enemies,
making them a footstool under your feet.”"
"The Lord stands at your right hand to protect you.
He will strike down many kings when his anger erupts."
-Psalm 110:1,5
I've had several crying and cursing fits...I've given into self loathing and self hate, wanting to just fall over and die...finally I have gotten a little sleep...and just my mind is so blah.
I have a little bit of piece of peace in my heart and soul right now...that I didn't expect.
You have loved me, even when I am so confused, in so much pain and unsure of what to do.
No matter what happens...I want to remain faithful and bless your name.
I know I am selfish and overemotional...I want to take care of myself and stop with letting myself be dragged around just because.
Please let me sit at your right hand, cover me and keep me safe from the poison of the enemy's arrows. The venom that makes me seek depression and pain...lift me up above this senseless crap...you are so beautiful and made me for more than this petty pain.
Thank you for choosing me, loving me and wanting me.
You chose me.
You want me.
Oh thank you Lover, thank you.
You made me to be a man and that is what I want to be.
You've called me to be a servant and son of you, my King.
You have given me a message and I wish to give it.
Whatever the cost, however much it hurts...I want to follow you to the ends of this world.
Send me and I will go.
Send me please.
Let me hear so I might share love.
“Sit in the place of honor at my right hand
until I humble your enemies,
making them a footstool under your feet.”"
"The Lord stands at your right hand to protect you.
He will strike down many kings when his anger erupts."
-Psalm 110:1,5
I've had several crying and cursing fits...I've given into self loathing and self hate, wanting to just fall over and die...finally I have gotten a little sleep...and just my mind is so blah.
I have a little bit of piece of peace in my heart and soul right now...that I didn't expect.
You have loved me, even when I am so confused, in so much pain and unsure of what to do.
No matter what happens...I want to remain faithful and bless your name.
I know I am selfish and overemotional...I want to take care of myself and stop with letting myself be dragged around just because.
Please let me sit at your right hand, cover me and keep me safe from the poison of the enemy's arrows. The venom that makes me seek depression and pain...lift me up above this senseless crap...you are so beautiful and made me for more than this petty pain.
Thank you for choosing me, loving me and wanting me.
You chose me.
You want me.
Oh thank you Lover, thank you.
You made me to be a man and that is what I want to be.
You've called me to be a servant and son of you, my King.
You have given me a message and I wish to give it.
Whatever the cost, however much it hurts...I want to follow you to the ends of this world.
Send me and I will go.
Send me please.
Let me hear so I might share love.
What is the purpose and point?
Love God, love others, love self...
I feel like I have lost the point.
Was it stupid to make so much of me...that?
That even the thought of it going rips me apart and throws me to the ground?
It is so dangerous.
I don't want to sleep.
I'm afraid the nightmares will just get worse.
And I'll never wake from them again.
I am afraid this night will last forever and I will never see hope and...my beloved has gone...for good.
It is all my fault.
It has to be.
That is why the yelling happens...and the pain.
My sin.
My punishment for surviving.
Love God, love others, love self...
I feel like I have lost the point.
Was it stupid to make so much of me...that?
That even the thought of it going rips me apart and throws me to the ground?
It is so dangerous.
I don't want to sleep.
I'm afraid the nightmares will just get worse.
And I'll never wake from them again.
I am afraid this night will last forever and I will never see hope and...my beloved has gone...for good.
It is all my fault.
It has to be.
That is why the yelling happens...and the pain.
My sin.
My punishment for surviving.
"Moment of Surrender" - U2
I have nothing.
I am broken.
I have no words Father.
My world has been turned upside down and I have been found wanting.
My faith is so weak.
So easily disturbed and broken.
If you want me, just send me.
Throw me in whatever direction you want.
I just don't care.
I don't care anymore.
I don't want to care anymore.
I want this broken and fetid thing that pretends to be a heart, I want it to just die.
No more Lord.
Please.
Prayer
Everything I say, everything I write is mere condemnation of my state of being and will just result in more conflict and words that I don't want to share.
It is amazing how I can go from feeling okay, to being worried about something...to just having my worst nightmares come true in a matter of seconds.
It doesn't matter how much I scream of if I just punch this wooden bed until my knuckles bleed.
I can scream my voice raw and paint bright red pictures of every insecurity in my arsenal and let them stay there...and what would it matter?
I can beat my head against this wall and cry, just wanting to know why...what I did...why I feel so disgusting and repulsive...why I couldn't grow up with a daddy...it's all about me.
It always comes down to me.
What makes me happy.
I have never uttered a selfless prayer.
I feel the weight of this sin and want to just throw it up.
I feel so sick...I hate this poison in my veins.
I hate the weakness that comes from love.
I am angry, I am scared, I am sad, I am upset...upset...
I feel like...trash, the second rate garbage I have always been afraid of being.
Well not always...but close enough.
Every dirty and disgusting thing I am, I am, I am.
Awe.
Fear.
Trembling.
Revulsion.
Disgust.
All.
Nothing.
Revolving in here.
I hate.
I hate to feel.
I want to be numb.
Medicated.
Cold.
Cut off.
Cut open.
Showing everything I am.
Everything sin I am.
Revealing the insides.
Letting it in.
Showing it off.
Everything I haven't had.
I can't stand this.
I want to scream.
I want the blood vessels to erupt.
I want to just throw myself on the wall.
Paint a red picture.
Show everything I am.
Everything I will never be.
All the lies I am.
Every repulsive thing.
Knowing all is well.
Because it's a lie to be.
A hundred thousand voices crying.
Every revolving sin.
Shame.
Pain.
Pain.
Sin.
Greed.
Hate.
Pain.
Pain.
Hate.
Cutting deep.
Flesh rotten with disease.
Just hiding sin within.
Every last flaw.
Every last flaw.
Everything that is.
I cry out and ask why.
I can't breath.
It hurts.
Why did my heart have to feel again?
I hate this thing.
I hate emotion.
Medication.
Stiffing thought.
Cut off, cut out.
Just ripping apart.
Everything I thought I knew.
The false rose glasses I clutch in bleeding hands.
I am so angry and so scared.
I can't paint anything,
My words are such utter shit.
I can't paint anything.
I want to bleed.
Just have my heart cut open to shown, to feel.
I can't stand who I am.
I hate being David's son.
I hate who I am.
I hate who I was.
Who I am and will never be.
I thought.
It was.
Why?
Why?
Why does it have to be ripped away?
I thought it was.
Was it not?
I don't know.
I can't breath.
I don't know how to be.
How to act.
No one wants to hear it like this,
just bad words.
I know, I know there is good.
This isn't just a game.
That things will be okay.
But I hate feeling.
I hate emotion.
I hate knowing this won't be the end.
I want to be Home.
I can't stand this.
I wish I could find solace.
There is no peace.
Just delaying the inevitable.
If I don't loose her today, I will.
No one stays.
Everyone leaves.
It all ends.
It all will end.
Death.
Blood.
Pain.
Grotesque pictures of Hell.
Everything I am afraid of.
I am sick of this life.
Everything wrong.
Nothing really right.
I want to vomit up my sin.
Show the world.
Let them know.
Just let them see.
The hypocrite.
And disgusting bastard I am.
I hate me.
I hate me.
I feel such negative emotion.
I don't want hope.
I just don't care.
Why bother impressing people who just want stuff?
Well meaning maybe.
I can't cope with this.
I can't handle change.
I wasn't made to be like this.
I just don't want to breath.
I can't handle this.
I don't know how to be.
I don't know what to be.
I pray.
I ask for help but it will never come.
God, you won't answer me, will you?
I can be paraded into the arena but there will be no rescue.
I just wish you would have not made me like this.
Why am I alive?
I am in misery.
I can't breath without pain.
I move, I want to scream from the pain.
It hurts to stand up, to lay down.
It fucking hurts to live.
It doesn't feel you care beyond some large scale plan that only vaguely involves me.
I don't understand.
I am not sure I want to understand.
I just know the longer I am alive the greater the pain will be.
I want to scream.
Just yell.
What do I matter to you?
What does it matter if I press on?
I won't die.
I am not done suffering.
My life is going to be so much longer than I can bare.
And I will loose more.
So much more.
I know.
Is it sick that it seems like YOU are the one telling me I will suffer?
I should have known things would explode...that the fears and nightmares would be true.
Loosing her, loosing this, loosing my steps...I just can't cope with this pain.
Why?
Could you please just give me a small measure of peace for once?
Instead of just writing me off and making me wait.
I need something.
Anything.
I can't cope.
I can't breath.
Why?
Why?
What did I do wrong?
I thought...maybe...just maybe.
Why?
Am I damned to just cause the brokenness wherever I go?
I want to hurt more.
I want to fall apart completely.
I want to stop caring.
I just want this heart to die.
I never want to love, I never want to feel again.
I would rather be dead inside and stop this pain.
I am not brave.
I'm not chivalrous.
I am not honest.
I am disgusting hypocrite.
Everyone I know goes away in the end.
I can't just use drugs, beer or use sex to blind myself.
I am too smart and too stupid to fall into sin.
I still feel convictions to help everyone even when I want it all to end.
I can't quit.
God I want to quit so bad.
I want to tell you how angry I am and how much I just don't care.
But your love is still here.
It hurts like Hell but you are still here.
There is nothing that can fix me.
The emotions, memories and feelings won't stop.
I want it all to end.
I can't breath.
I can't comprehend.
I just wish I could fucking breath.
I trusted.
I trust.
So confused.
So scared.
So scared and upset.
I don't know what to do.
I pray and there is such loud silence.
It's only getting worse.
I thought there was change.
I thought there was something different.
I'm doubting again.
I thought I knew love.
I thought I saw love.
Was I lying again to myself?
Making it all up as I go along?
I just don't know.
I don't want to feel anymore.
I just don't want to see again.
I don't want anything.
I can't handle it.
No more.
Please.
Just let it end.
Kind of hard
Hard to see
When you crawl
On your hands and your knees
With your face
In the trough
Wait your turn
While they finish you off
Don't know when it started
Don't know how
Should have found out
Should have happened by now
Got these lines
On my face
After all this time
And i still haven't found my place
I jump from every rooftop
So high so far to fall
I feel a million miles away
I don't feel any thing at all
I wake up
On the floor
Start it up again
Like it matters anymore
I don't know
If it does
Is this really all
That there ever was?
Put the gun
In my mouth
Close your eyes
Blow my fucking brains out
Pretty patterns
On the floor
That's enough for you
But i still need more
I jump from every rooftop
So high so far to fall
I feel a million miles away
I don't feel any thing at all
It is amazing how I can go from feeling okay, to being worried about something...to just having my worst nightmares come true in a matter of seconds.
It doesn't matter how much I scream of if I just punch this wooden bed until my knuckles bleed.
I can scream my voice raw and paint bright red pictures of every insecurity in my arsenal and let them stay there...and what would it matter?
I can beat my head against this wall and cry, just wanting to know why...what I did...why I feel so disgusting and repulsive...why I couldn't grow up with a daddy...it's all about me.
It always comes down to me.
What makes me happy.
I have never uttered a selfless prayer.
I feel the weight of this sin and want to just throw it up.
I feel so sick...I hate this poison in my veins.
I hate the weakness that comes from love.
I am angry, I am scared, I am sad, I am upset...upset...
I feel like...trash, the second rate garbage I have always been afraid of being.
Well not always...but close enough.
Every dirty and disgusting thing I am, I am, I am.
Awe.
Fear.
Trembling.
Revulsion.
Disgust.
All.
Nothing.
Revolving in here.
I hate.
I hate to feel.
I want to be numb.
Medicated.
Cold.
Cut off.
Cut open.
Showing everything I am.
Everything sin I am.
Revealing the insides.
Letting it in.
Showing it off.
Everything I haven't had.
I can't stand this.
I want to scream.
I want the blood vessels to erupt.
I want to just throw myself on the wall.
Paint a red picture.
Show everything I am.
Everything I will never be.
All the lies I am.
Every repulsive thing.
Knowing all is well.
Because it's a lie to be.
A hundred thousand voices crying.
Every revolving sin.
Shame.
Pain.
Pain.
Sin.
Greed.
Hate.
Pain.
Pain.
Hate.
Cutting deep.
Flesh rotten with disease.
Just hiding sin within.
Every last flaw.
Every last flaw.
Everything that is.
I cry out and ask why.
I can't breath.
It hurts.
Why did my heart have to feel again?
I hate this thing.
I hate emotion.
Medication.
Stiffing thought.
Cut off, cut out.
Just ripping apart.
Everything I thought I knew.
The false rose glasses I clutch in bleeding hands.
I am so angry and so scared.
I can't paint anything,
My words are such utter shit.
I can't paint anything.
I want to bleed.
Just have my heart cut open to shown, to feel.
I can't stand who I am.
I hate being David's son.
I hate who I am.
I hate who I was.
Who I am and will never be.
I thought.
It was.
Why?
Why?
Why does it have to be ripped away?
I thought it was.
Was it not?
I don't know.
I can't breath.
I don't know how to be.
How to act.
No one wants to hear it like this,
just bad words.
I know, I know there is good.
This isn't just a game.
That things will be okay.
But I hate feeling.
I hate emotion.
I hate knowing this won't be the end.
I want to be Home.
I can't stand this.
I wish I could find solace.
There is no peace.
Just delaying the inevitable.
If I don't loose her today, I will.
No one stays.
Everyone leaves.
It all ends.
It all will end.
Death.
Blood.
Pain.
Grotesque pictures of Hell.
Everything I am afraid of.
I am sick of this life.
Everything wrong.
Nothing really right.
I want to vomit up my sin.
Show the world.
Let them know.
Just let them see.
The hypocrite.
And disgusting bastard I am.
I hate me.
I hate me.
I feel such negative emotion.
I don't want hope.
I just don't care.
Why bother impressing people who just want stuff?
Well meaning maybe.
I can't cope with this.
I can't handle change.
I wasn't made to be like this.
I just don't want to breath.
I can't handle this.
I don't know how to be.
I don't know what to be.
I pray.
I ask for help but it will never come.
God, you won't answer me, will you?
I can be paraded into the arena but there will be no rescue.
I just wish you would have not made me like this.
Why am I alive?
I am in misery.
I can't breath without pain.
I move, I want to scream from the pain.
It hurts to stand up, to lay down.
It fucking hurts to live.
It doesn't feel you care beyond some large scale plan that only vaguely involves me.
I don't understand.
I am not sure I want to understand.
I just know the longer I am alive the greater the pain will be.
I want to scream.
Just yell.
What do I matter to you?
What does it matter if I press on?
I won't die.
I am not done suffering.
My life is going to be so much longer than I can bare.
And I will loose more.
So much more.
I know.
Is it sick that it seems like YOU are the one telling me I will suffer?
I should have known things would explode...that the fears and nightmares would be true.
Loosing her, loosing this, loosing my steps...I just can't cope with this pain.
Why?
Could you please just give me a small measure of peace for once?
Instead of just writing me off and making me wait.
I need something.
Anything.
I can't cope.
I can't breath.
Why?
Why?
What did I do wrong?
I thought...maybe...just maybe.
Why?
Am I damned to just cause the brokenness wherever I go?
I want to hurt more.
I want to fall apart completely.
I want to stop caring.
I just want this heart to die.
I never want to love, I never want to feel again.
I would rather be dead inside and stop this pain.
I am not brave.
I'm not chivalrous.
I am not honest.
I am disgusting hypocrite.
Everyone I know goes away in the end.
I can't just use drugs, beer or use sex to blind myself.
I am too smart and too stupid to fall into sin.
I still feel convictions to help everyone even when I want it all to end.
I can't quit.
God I want to quit so bad.
I want to tell you how angry I am and how much I just don't care.
But your love is still here.
It hurts like Hell but you are still here.
There is nothing that can fix me.
The emotions, memories and feelings won't stop.
I want it all to end.
I can't breath.
I can't comprehend.
I just wish I could fucking breath.
I trusted.
I trust.
So confused.
So scared.
So scared and upset.
I don't know what to do.
I pray and there is such loud silence.
It's only getting worse.
I thought there was change.
I thought there was something different.
I'm doubting again.
I thought I knew love.
I thought I saw love.
Was I lying again to myself?
Making it all up as I go along?
I just don't know.
I don't want to feel anymore.
I just don't want to see again.
I don't want anything.
I can't handle it.
No more.
Please.
Just let it end.
Kind of hard
Hard to see
When you crawl
On your hands and your knees
With your face
In the trough
Wait your turn
While they finish you off
Don't know when it started
Don't know how
Should have found out
Should have happened by now
Got these lines
On my face
After all this time
And i still haven't found my place
I jump from every rooftop
So high so far to fall
I feel a million miles away
I don't feel any thing at all
I wake up
On the floor
Start it up again
Like it matters anymore
I don't know
If it does
Is this really all
That there ever was?
Put the gun
In my mouth
Close your eyes
Blow my fucking brains out
Pretty patterns
On the floor
That's enough for you
But i still need more
I jump from every rooftop
So high so far to fall
I feel a million miles away
I don't feel any thing at all
Thursday, August 19, 2010
"There's something moving in the shadows
There is that rumor of hope
When the spirit starts roaring
For so long we have but no longer will we cope
Love is personified
I'd rather die in love
Than stay alive numb
I'll still call it home
I'm still longing home
Where the sun never dies
Shine away my shadow
Where it's bright when I shut my eyes
I'll drink until I'm not thirsty
The sun never dies
Shine away my shadow
It's just waiting to rise
I'll see You on that day
When I walk those last steps Your way"
There is that rumor of hope
When the spirit starts roaring
For so long we have but no longer will we cope
Love is personified
I'd rather die in love
Than stay alive numb
I'll still call it home
I'm still longing home
Where the sun never dies
Shine away my shadow
Where it's bright when I shut my eyes
I'll drink until I'm not thirsty
The sun never dies
Shine away my shadow
It's just waiting to rise
I'll see You on that day
When I walk those last steps Your way"
"As you did warn me carpenter, this world has weakened my heart,
so easily I disparage, self-seeking the work of my art,
and there you have come to me at the moment I bathe in my sorrow,
so in love with myself, sought after avoiding tomorrow.
Where do you find the love to offer he who betrays you
and offer to wash my feet as I offer to disobey you?
Your beauty does bereave me, and how my words do fail,
so faithfully and dutifully I award you with betrayal."
so easily I disparage, self-seeking the work of my art,
and there you have come to me at the moment I bathe in my sorrow,
so in love with myself, sought after avoiding tomorrow.
Where do you find the love to offer he who betrays you
and offer to wash my feet as I offer to disobey you?
Your beauty does bereave me, and how my words do fail,
so faithfully and dutifully I award you with betrayal."
Psalm 109
"O God, whom I praise,
don’t stand silent and aloof
while the wicked slander me
and tell lies about me.
They surround me with hateful words
and fight against me for no reason.
I love them, but they try to destroy me with accusations
even as I am praying for them!
They repay evil for good,
and hatred for my love.
"But deal well with me, O Sovereign Lord,
for the sake of your own reputation!
Rescue me
because you are so faithful and good.
For I am poor and needy,
and my heart is full of pain.
I am fading like a shadow at dusk;
I am brushed off like a locust.
My knees are weak from fasting,
and I am skin and bones.
I am a joke to people everywhere;
when they see me, they shake their heads in scorn."
-Psalm 109:1-5, 21-25
Father, you alone know my heart.
You know the pride and ego that lives within me...only you know my lies, my insincerity and how little I care and love...how I would rather seek comfort than help those in need.
But you know this situation, these circumstances greater than I...you know the human heart so intimately and know the truth...so let the truth raise.
Whatever, however and what will be...let truth burn so bright that it is impossible to deny.
This isn't a self-righteous plea of one wanting to be right...but one who is broken, sick with concern and who aches from not knowing what the right thing is.
I can speak in flowery words to get most anything that I want...but I want sincerity, I want honesty...I want fairness and truth.
Could you forgive me for being so full of myself that all I care about is my perspective?
Can you break me so that I have a burden for those who have done so much wrong to my beloved?
Is this a jealousy based in self-righteous contempt? Is this a jealousy born out of a desire to protect, full of the rage that you poured out on those who would dare harm one of your children? Or is it a mixture?
I don't know myself.
I am so confused.
I just want to love.
I want to carry your love to the end of the world.
But I have trouble breathing right now because of how badly I hurt...I can't focus, I can't think straight because of the chest pain...the nausea.
I don't know my left hand from my right hand...what is good or evil...why do I let something like this consume me so much that I just want to vomit up every last disgusting drop of the sin infecting my heart?
I know I am not good, I know I am hopelessly broken...but I know you love me, you love him and love my beloved.
I just want to be faithful to what you have given me.
I want to not be found wanting or lacking in being obedient and following through on doing the right thing.
I just...want to be able to breath again.
I need the pain to subdue so maybe I can sleep.
I can't handle the tears of pain...feeling so isolated and like I will never be able to breath again.
I hate this...my body feels like it is failing...please...please help me find relief.
Even if just for a moment.
Please?
My heart breaks for everyone there...the ones lost, the ones who have lost their way...am I just refusing to forgive and let your grace cover or do I have a valid point to want to protect this beauty which was never mine to begin with?
It is so easy to get lost in my mind, in following myself...please give me perspective...please show me what it means to love, to love without regard to this world...but only in obedience to You.
I want to find the right thing to do in prayer with my beloved...please steer us in the right direction...and give peace, lasting peace about what to do.
Please Daddy.
don’t stand silent and aloof
while the wicked slander me
and tell lies about me.
They surround me with hateful words
and fight against me for no reason.
I love them, but they try to destroy me with accusations
even as I am praying for them!
They repay evil for good,
and hatred for my love.
"But deal well with me, O Sovereign Lord,
for the sake of your own reputation!
Rescue me
because you are so faithful and good.
For I am poor and needy,
and my heart is full of pain.
I am fading like a shadow at dusk;
I am brushed off like a locust.
My knees are weak from fasting,
and I am skin and bones.
I am a joke to people everywhere;
when they see me, they shake their heads in scorn."
-Psalm 109:1-5, 21-25
Father, you alone know my heart.
You know the pride and ego that lives within me...only you know my lies, my insincerity and how little I care and love...how I would rather seek comfort than help those in need.
But you know this situation, these circumstances greater than I...you know the human heart so intimately and know the truth...so let the truth raise.
Whatever, however and what will be...let truth burn so bright that it is impossible to deny.
This isn't a self-righteous plea of one wanting to be right...but one who is broken, sick with concern and who aches from not knowing what the right thing is.
I can speak in flowery words to get most anything that I want...but I want sincerity, I want honesty...I want fairness and truth.
Could you forgive me for being so full of myself that all I care about is my perspective?
Can you break me so that I have a burden for those who have done so much wrong to my beloved?
Is this a jealousy based in self-righteous contempt? Is this a jealousy born out of a desire to protect, full of the rage that you poured out on those who would dare harm one of your children? Or is it a mixture?
I don't know myself.
I am so confused.
I just want to love.
I want to carry your love to the end of the world.
But I have trouble breathing right now because of how badly I hurt...I can't focus, I can't think straight because of the chest pain...the nausea.
I don't know my left hand from my right hand...what is good or evil...why do I let something like this consume me so much that I just want to vomit up every last disgusting drop of the sin infecting my heart?
I know I am not good, I know I am hopelessly broken...but I know you love me, you love him and love my beloved.
I just want to be faithful to what you have given me.
I want to not be found wanting or lacking in being obedient and following through on doing the right thing.
I just...want to be able to breath again.
I need the pain to subdue so maybe I can sleep.
I can't handle the tears of pain...feeling so isolated and like I will never be able to breath again.
I hate this...my body feels like it is failing...please...please help me find relief.
Even if just for a moment.
Please?
My heart breaks for everyone there...the ones lost, the ones who have lost their way...am I just refusing to forgive and let your grace cover or do I have a valid point to want to protect this beauty which was never mine to begin with?
It is so easy to get lost in my mind, in following myself...please give me perspective...please show me what it means to love, to love without regard to this world...but only in obedience to You.
I want to find the right thing to do in prayer with my beloved...please steer us in the right direction...and give peace, lasting peace about what to do.
Please Daddy.
Some Idle Reflections on Christian Pacifism
As much as I tend to talk about it I am rather terrible at this whole Christian pacifism thing.
I try to act as though I have everything together but underneath my sometimes groomed exterior is a raging sea frothing with emotions, feelings and thoughts wanting to explode forth. Normally all it takes is hearing about someone being taken advantaged of or abused and I am ready to fly into a rage.
Pacifism is not against taking action when bad things happen (that is actually one of the most often misunderstood things about pacifism), Jesus did not advocate a stance which was stoic apathy toward our well being and those around us, instead he commanded against choosing to give into our urge to find revenge.
One of our most basic desires is to seek right when we are wrong, often in a manner which not only gives us reparations but gives our enemy such vivid disadvantages that they have trouble recovering.
"If they hurt me, I'll hurt them back."
Or maybe...
"If I can hurt them so much they can't ever fight back then nobody will ever mess with me and will leave me be."
Maybe that is how the world and governments work...I am not quite sure to be honest.
I just know that every time I open my mouth in my defense very bad things tend to happen.
I don't want to fight.
I want to be at peace.
I do not handle stress well at all and tend to internalize everything to the point where it just ends up making me physically sick.
I mean, I tend to take scripture seriously and when I come across passages like this:
"Never pay back evil with more evil. Do things in such a way that everyone can see you are honorable. Do all that you can to live in peace with everyone."
-Romans 12:17-18
and
“You have heard the law that says the punishment must match the injury: ‘An eye for an eye, and a tooth for a tooth.’But I say, do not resist an evil person! If someone slaps you on the right cheek, offer the other cheek also. If you are sued in court and your shirt is taken from you, give your coat, too. If a soldier demands that you carry his gear for a mile,carry it two miles. Give to those who ask, and don’t turn away from those who want to borrow."
-Matthew 5:38-42
as well as
"But when you are praying, first forgive anyone you are holding a grudge against, so that your Father in heaven will forgive your sins, too. But if you refuse to forgive, your Father in heaven will not forgive your sins."
-Mark 11:25-26
I sort of begin to draw a series of conclusions that are far reaching as they are troublesome for living life
1.When we are hurt we react but we can choose how to react.
I guess this is sort of an obvious conclusion but for every action there is a reaction...especially if someone is being slapped around or taken advantage of.
The question is how to react?
How much is too much?
From personal experience...I am starting to think that Christians are not supposed to allow themselves to be destroyed because of being taken advantage of...this teaching is meant to help us overcome our base instinct to be destructive when we experience pain and mistreated by others. It is easy to be so overcome with bitterness that all we care about is revenge.
The last thing any person should do is keep themselves in a relationship, a situation where they are being drained and taken advantage of. I think there is a difference between turning the cheek and unnecessarily making ourselves into a self-righteousness martyr as an act of codependency.
2.Pacifism is a choice to be proactive in responding.
I wrote earlier than one of the biggest misunderstandings about pacifism is that it is this stoic apathy where there is no emotion or care about people being in pain. I believe Christian Pacifism is the opposite, caring so much about a situation that we rise above the petty nature of name calling and fighting to try and solve underlying issues at hand.
If people are so concerned about getting even and hitting back first there is no time to talk...no time to try and understand why things are so screwed up. Of course this takes for granted that human passions will never wait for words of wisdom...
3.This teaching is so integral to Christianity being relevant in this world because until someone decides 'enough is enough' and to refuse to hit back, violence will not end a situation as much as cause it to prolong.
Although it feels it may border on cliche, I believe John Philpot Curran had a valid point when he said that "Evil prospers when good men do nothing."
It is easy to make grand statements about morality and the impossibilities inherent in the human condition but maybe I'll just quote my favorite anime Trigun:
"To realize a mistake. To not lie. To love one another. To not kill. Those are very simple things, but the times won't allow for them. There is no green on this planet, even though we want it, though we want it so badly. A place where we can live peaceful days, with no wars nor stealing, a sacred place where people can live as people. Yes, there. That place is called Paradise..."
But we live in a world of gray with shades of black and white.
It is impossible and impractical to expect non-Christians (and to an extent maybe even those in the church) to adhere to such a radical teacher as the messiah Jesus when they haven't experienced what it means to be caught up in love with Him.
In this Age we will never see world peace, we will never see all disease and pain eliminated, for war to be given up on and poverty completely eliminated...however just because it cannot be done does not given an excuse for us to not try and make a difference in this broken world.
And that difference cannot come from within us, it requires power from One outside of and much bigger than us.
"Then Jesus said to his disciples, “I tell you the truth, it is very hard for a rich person to enter the Kingdom of Heaven. I’ll say it again—it is easier for a camel to go through the eye of a needle than for a rich person to enter the Kingdom of God!”
"The disciples were astounded. “Then who in the world can be saved?” they asked.
Jesus looked at them intently and said, “Humanly speaking, it is impossible. But with God everything is possible.”"
-Matthew 19:23-26
((Side note:...wow, what a pretentious sounding title. I think I am already sounding like a overpaid and under-talented writer who has books at Lifeway...ack... >_<))
I try to act as though I have everything together but underneath my sometimes groomed exterior is a raging sea frothing with emotions, feelings and thoughts wanting to explode forth. Normally all it takes is hearing about someone being taken advantaged of or abused and I am ready to fly into a rage.
Pacifism is not against taking action when bad things happen (that is actually one of the most often misunderstood things about pacifism), Jesus did not advocate a stance which was stoic apathy toward our well being and those around us, instead he commanded against choosing to give into our urge to find revenge.
One of our most basic desires is to seek right when we are wrong, often in a manner which not only gives us reparations but gives our enemy such vivid disadvantages that they have trouble recovering.
"If they hurt me, I'll hurt them back."
Or maybe...
"If I can hurt them so much they can't ever fight back then nobody will ever mess with me and will leave me be."
Maybe that is how the world and governments work...I am not quite sure to be honest.
I just know that every time I open my mouth in my defense very bad things tend to happen.
I don't want to fight.
I want to be at peace.
I do not handle stress well at all and tend to internalize everything to the point where it just ends up making me physically sick.
I mean, I tend to take scripture seriously and when I come across passages like this:
"Never pay back evil with more evil. Do things in such a way that everyone can see you are honorable. Do all that you can to live in peace with everyone."
-Romans 12:17-18
and
“You have heard the law that says the punishment must match the injury: ‘An eye for an eye, and a tooth for a tooth.’But I say, do not resist an evil person! If someone slaps you on the right cheek, offer the other cheek also. If you are sued in court and your shirt is taken from you, give your coat, too. If a soldier demands that you carry his gear for a mile,carry it two miles. Give to those who ask, and don’t turn away from those who want to borrow."
-Matthew 5:38-42
as well as
"But when you are praying, first forgive anyone you are holding a grudge against, so that your Father in heaven will forgive your sins, too. But if you refuse to forgive, your Father in heaven will not forgive your sins."
-Mark 11:25-26
I sort of begin to draw a series of conclusions that are far reaching as they are troublesome for living life
1.When we are hurt we react but we can choose how to react.
I guess this is sort of an obvious conclusion but for every action there is a reaction...especially if someone is being slapped around or taken advantage of.
The question is how to react?
How much is too much?
From personal experience...I am starting to think that Christians are not supposed to allow themselves to be destroyed because of being taken advantage of...this teaching is meant to help us overcome our base instinct to be destructive when we experience pain and mistreated by others. It is easy to be so overcome with bitterness that all we care about is revenge.
The last thing any person should do is keep themselves in a relationship, a situation where they are being drained and taken advantage of. I think there is a difference between turning the cheek and unnecessarily making ourselves into a self-righteousness martyr as an act of codependency.
2.Pacifism is a choice to be proactive in responding.
I wrote earlier than one of the biggest misunderstandings about pacifism is that it is this stoic apathy where there is no emotion or care about people being in pain. I believe Christian Pacifism is the opposite, caring so much about a situation that we rise above the petty nature of name calling and fighting to try and solve underlying issues at hand.
If people are so concerned about getting even and hitting back first there is no time to talk...no time to try and understand why things are so screwed up. Of course this takes for granted that human passions will never wait for words of wisdom...
3.This teaching is so integral to Christianity being relevant in this world because until someone decides 'enough is enough' and to refuse to hit back, violence will not end a situation as much as cause it to prolong.
Although it feels it may border on cliche, I believe John Philpot Curran had a valid point when he said that "Evil prospers when good men do nothing."
It is easy to make grand statements about morality and the impossibilities inherent in the human condition but maybe I'll just quote my favorite anime Trigun:
"To realize a mistake. To not lie. To love one another. To not kill. Those are very simple things, but the times won't allow for them. There is no green on this planet, even though we want it, though we want it so badly. A place where we can live peaceful days, with no wars nor stealing, a sacred place where people can live as people. Yes, there. That place is called Paradise..."
But we live in a world of gray with shades of black and white.
It is impossible and impractical to expect non-Christians (and to an extent maybe even those in the church) to adhere to such a radical teacher as the messiah Jesus when they haven't experienced what it means to be caught up in love with Him.
In this Age we will never see world peace, we will never see all disease and pain eliminated, for war to be given up on and poverty completely eliminated...however just because it cannot be done does not given an excuse for us to not try and make a difference in this broken world.
And that difference cannot come from within us, it requires power from One outside of and much bigger than us.
"Then Jesus said to his disciples, “I tell you the truth, it is very hard for a rich person to enter the Kingdom of Heaven. I’ll say it again—it is easier for a camel to go through the eye of a needle than for a rich person to enter the Kingdom of God!”
"The disciples were astounded. “Then who in the world can be saved?” they asked.
Jesus looked at them intently and said, “Humanly speaking, it is impossible. But with God everything is possible.”"
-Matthew 19:23-26
((Side note:...wow, what a pretentious sounding title. I think I am already sounding like a overpaid and under-talented writer who has books at Lifeway...ack... >_<))
Quote of the Day:
“At the Day of Judgment, we shall not be asked what we have read, but what we have done”
-Thomas Kempis
-Thomas Kempis
"That old saw about "to understand all is to forgive all" is a lot of tripe. Some things, the more you understand the more you loathe them."
-Robert A. Heinlein
The question is...do I posses the spiritual fortitude, the mental desire...the choice of heart...to ignore my personal bias and reach forth to understand?
-Robert A. Heinlein
The question is...do I posses the spiritual fortitude, the mental desire...the choice of heart...to ignore my personal bias and reach forth to understand?
Wednesday, August 18, 2010
Psalm 108
"Have you rejected us, O God?
Will you no longer march with our armies?
Oh, please help us against our enemies,
for all human help is useless.
With God’s help we will do mighty things,
for he will trample down our foes."
-Psalm 108:11-13
So much thought, so much processing of useless emotional baggage that keeps trying to claw it's way back into my life...so many useless feelings of trepidation...so many moments of bitter regret...memories, jagged and fuzzy...memories...memories...more focused...
I have enemies at the gate.
I feel the pain, my nerves are alight with pain...nausea courses through my stomach and my throat...bile barely held back...food is a silly notion when all I can do is just keep liquids down.
I ache.
I hurt.
I am tired of aching and hurting.
I am so tired of being sick.
I am sick.
Is this for sin?
Some moral lapse?
Some not yet confessed pain I have caused?
Or is it the enemy?
Just pain to cause laughter amongst the darkness?
Right now...this moment...I don't want to praise.
I don't want to worship.
I want to scream because of how much PAIN I am in right now.
God...I just feel so alone...I am moving about, I am taking care of things and doing everything I am suppose to...and yet...there is the pain, this sickness, this nausea...this agony that I can't escape from.
No human can fix me, I have given up completely of human medicine...I am hurting, I am aching...I don't know what I can do except fall down again and hope.
Am I going to live with this the rest of my life?
Only getting worse?
Sometimes I wish you wouldn't have called me...wouldn't have found me worthy of this attention...because the pain is so overwhelming and I rarely know how to function when it gets like this.
I suppose the plus side is that I am not trapped in a hotel room in southern China like that mission trip...
I feel so small.
So insignificant...I am not even an insect compared to you...and still you bother with me...you love me, you care about me and I don't understand...I don't know why...I have to ask...because of the pain, because of not knowing...
Must I wait the rest of my life to see you, my Love?
Will my body continue to decay and break down...and must I endure so much more pain before being free to see you face to face?
I know I am not yet ready...but I still long to see you face to face...to feel your hands on my shoulder and know that I wasn't just a screw up...that you will love me now and into eternity...
I have so many doubts, so many fears.
Please calm the storm inside my heart.
Speak, say 'Peace and be still.' to the Hell inside of me.
Please.
I can't handle this on my own.
I can't stand up, I can't walk...I can't focus...I need you.
I need you.
So much.
"As i lay me down
Where do i begin
So simply complicated
The voice within
I hear it singing so clear
Invisible like the sound of the wind
We all know
You are there
I just believe
I just believe it
And sometimes i dunno why
I gotta go with my gut again on this one
Not just a feeling
It's the reason
We know a line is crooked
`cause we know what's true
That little voice inside
As i lay me down
I confess
I'm a fool for you
No more, no less
And in this world turning gray
Strikes a chord when i say
There is black
There is white
There is wrong
And there is right"
Will you no longer march with our armies?
Oh, please help us against our enemies,
for all human help is useless.
With God’s help we will do mighty things,
for he will trample down our foes."
-Psalm 108:11-13
So much thought, so much processing of useless emotional baggage that keeps trying to claw it's way back into my life...so many useless feelings of trepidation...so many moments of bitter regret...memories, jagged and fuzzy...memories...memories...more focused...
I have enemies at the gate.
I feel the pain, my nerves are alight with pain...nausea courses through my stomach and my throat...bile barely held back...food is a silly notion when all I can do is just keep liquids down.
I ache.
I hurt.
I am tired of aching and hurting.
I am so tired of being sick.
I am sick.
Is this for sin?
Some moral lapse?
Some not yet confessed pain I have caused?
Or is it the enemy?
Just pain to cause laughter amongst the darkness?
Right now...this moment...I don't want to praise.
I don't want to worship.
I want to scream because of how much PAIN I am in right now.
God...I just feel so alone...I am moving about, I am taking care of things and doing everything I am suppose to...and yet...there is the pain, this sickness, this nausea...this agony that I can't escape from.
No human can fix me, I have given up completely of human medicine...I am hurting, I am aching...I don't know what I can do except fall down again and hope.
Am I going to live with this the rest of my life?
Only getting worse?
Sometimes I wish you wouldn't have called me...wouldn't have found me worthy of this attention...because the pain is so overwhelming and I rarely know how to function when it gets like this.
I suppose the plus side is that I am not trapped in a hotel room in southern China like that mission trip...
I feel so small.
So insignificant...I am not even an insect compared to you...and still you bother with me...you love me, you care about me and I don't understand...I don't know why...I have to ask...because of the pain, because of not knowing...
Must I wait the rest of my life to see you, my Love?
Will my body continue to decay and break down...and must I endure so much more pain before being free to see you face to face?
I know I am not yet ready...but I still long to see you face to face...to feel your hands on my shoulder and know that I wasn't just a screw up...that you will love me now and into eternity...
I have so many doubts, so many fears.
Please calm the storm inside my heart.
Speak, say 'Peace and be still.' to the Hell inside of me.
Please.
I can't handle this on my own.
I can't stand up, I can't walk...I can't focus...I need you.
I need you.
So much.
"As i lay me down
Where do i begin
So simply complicated
The voice within
I hear it singing so clear
Invisible like the sound of the wind
We all know
You are there
I just believe
I just believe it
And sometimes i dunno why
I gotta go with my gut again on this one
Not just a feeling
It's the reason
We know a line is crooked
`cause we know what's true
That little voice inside
As i lay me down
I confess
I'm a fool for you
No more, no less
And in this world turning gray
Strikes a chord when i say
There is black
There is white
There is wrong
And there is right"
"That's okay because I was never home anyway
So now everyone's evolving and I am just the same
As I was ten years ago, but I don't know
Maybe a simple life is more the way to go
Yeah, but then again, I’m mostly all alone
Coz the older I get
Well the more that life is making sense
And it's similar to traffic or being president
'Cause I’m not the one in control
You grab a hold
I'm just a hammer helping to nail the future down
But it's getting hard making my friends leave town
But maybe I missed the nose right on my face
For what's just past it
And maybe I have the gift that everyone speaks so highly of
Funny how nobody wants it"
So now everyone's evolving and I am just the same
As I was ten years ago, but I don't know
Maybe a simple life is more the way to go
Yeah, but then again, I’m mostly all alone
Coz the older I get
Well the more that life is making sense
And it's similar to traffic or being president
'Cause I’m not the one in control
You grab a hold
I'm just a hammer helping to nail the future down
But it's getting hard making my friends leave town
But maybe I missed the nose right on my face
For what's just past it
And maybe I have the gift that everyone speaks so highly of
Funny how nobody wants it"
Tuesday, August 17, 2010
Psalm 107
"Has the Lord redeemed you? Then speak out!
Tell others he has redeemed you from your enemies.
For he has gathered the exiles from many lands,
from east and west,
from north and south."
-Psalm 107:2-3
Tell others he has redeemed you from your enemies.
For he has gathered the exiles from many lands,
from east and west,
from north and south."
-Psalm 107:2-3
Quote of the Day:
“It is no use walking anywhere to preach unless our walking is our preaching.”
-St. Francis of Assisi
-St. Francis of Assisi
Monday, August 16, 2010
I sometimes wonder if it is silly...silly that I want to learn to love others with the same reckless abandonment of Jesus.
Even those who have caused damage to my soul.
Even those who hurt my beloved.
Even those who prey on the innocent.
Those who I judge as being inferior and unworthy of love are the ones I want to learn how to love the most because Jesus died for them just as much as he did for me...and loves them, even though they may never hope to believe he does.
What little I understand...that I can grasp...I am fumbling and dropping the ball, failing and making mistakes...I am on the right path...I have forgot what peace beyond understanding is like.
Everything, yeah everything...it's going to be okay.
Peace in this eternity.
Even those who have caused damage to my soul.
Even those who hurt my beloved.
Even those who prey on the innocent.
Those who I judge as being inferior and unworthy of love are the ones I want to learn how to love the most because Jesus died for them just as much as he did for me...and loves them, even though they may never hope to believe he does.
What little I understand...that I can grasp...I am fumbling and dropping the ball, failing and making mistakes...I am on the right path...I have forgot what peace beyond understanding is like.
Everything, yeah everything...it's going to be okay.
Peace in this eternity.
Saturday, August 14, 2010
Psalm 104
"Let all sinners vanish from the face of the earth;
let the wicked disappear forever.
Let all that I am praise the Lord.
Praise the Lord!"
-104:35
let the wicked disappear forever.
Let all that I am praise the Lord.
Praise the Lord!"
-104:35
o_O
"See the ships sailing along, and Leviathan, which you made to play in the sea."
-Psalm 104:26
I just got a mental image of a sea monster frolicking about the ocean.
I will never look at the Leviathan summon from Final Fantasy the same way again...
-Psalm 104:26
I just got a mental image of a sea monster frolicking about the ocean.
I will never look at the Leviathan summon from Final Fantasy the same way again...
Thursday, August 12, 2010
Reflection of Images
I never knew there was so much strength to be found in surrender...in embracing that which seem weakest and letting it influence and shape me.
Such hope, such love...never could I have dreamed or hope for this to be as real...and as true as it is.
Reflections in the water...showing a glimpse of your face...and I see a smile.
Imago Dei my beloved, Imago Dei.
Such hope, such love...never could I have dreamed or hope for this to be as real...and as true as it is.
Reflections in the water...showing a glimpse of your face...and I see a smile.
Imago Dei my beloved, Imago Dei.
Psalm 102
"But you, O Lord, will sit on your throne forever.
Your fame will endure to every generation.
You will arise and have mercy on Jerusalem —
and now is the time to pity her,
now is the time you promised to help."
-Psalm 102:12-13
What sort of God are you that you listen to us?
Like Abraham being an arbiter for Sodom and Gomorrah before you...instead of destroying him you were pleased that someone cared enough to stand up for the innocent and even the wicked.
Just as Job cried out for a messiah he didn't know was to come...I have to cry out to you in brokenness, feeling as though the decay of my soul is never going to end...
I want to know you, know you even more intimately and feel your love.
I want to be close, closer than ever so I can hear your heartbeat.
Nothing in this world can captivate me like you do.
Even the beauty I see and I feel...my beloved you have for some reason entrusted near me...your love is so intoxicating...
Seeing such beauty reflected...I just don't know...I will never be able to understand you and yet I still want to try.
I want to know, I want to be close...closer than touching...
It feels lame at times...but it's the truth...
Your fame will endure to every generation.
You will arise and have mercy on Jerusalem —
and now is the time to pity her,
now is the time you promised to help."
-Psalm 102:12-13
What sort of God are you that you listen to us?
Like Abraham being an arbiter for Sodom and Gomorrah before you...instead of destroying him you were pleased that someone cared enough to stand up for the innocent and even the wicked.
Just as Job cried out for a messiah he didn't know was to come...I have to cry out to you in brokenness, feeling as though the decay of my soul is never going to end...
I want to know you, know you even more intimately and feel your love.
I want to be close, closer than ever so I can hear your heartbeat.
Nothing in this world can captivate me like you do.
Even the beauty I see and I feel...my beloved you have for some reason entrusted near me...your love is so intoxicating...
Seeing such beauty reflected...I just don't know...I will never be able to understand you and yet I still want to try.
I want to know, I want to be close...closer than touching...
It feels lame at times...but it's the truth...
Wednesday, August 11, 2010
Tuesday, August 10, 2010
I do not understand the purpose of drinking alcohol or even smoking for that matter.
Why is beer legal and cocaine illegal?
Both are incredibly stupid means of accomplishing nothing except hurting people.
But what do I know?
I just wish people would be nice to each other and I could actually find sleep at night.
Why is beer legal and cocaine illegal?
Both are incredibly stupid means of accomplishing nothing except hurting people.
But what do I know?
I just wish people would be nice to each other and I could actually find sleep at night.
Psalm 100
"Acknowledge that the Lord is God!
He made us, and we are his.
We are his people, the sheep of his pasture.
Enter his gates with thanksgiving;
go into his courts with praise.
Give thanks to him and praise his name.
For the Lord is good.
His unfailing love continues forever,
and his faithfulness continues to each generation."
-Psalm 100:3-5
Safe...certainly not...yet you are good, oh so wonderful...beautiful beyond my simple mind and lack of understanding.
I keep running, keep fleeing in the other direction...from you, from your love...from your grace...from everything good that you have given me...and you patiently come to me...hold me, love me, treasure me...and tell me again and again that I am yours, that you love me, that you will never leave or forsake me...
It always makes me want to cry in shame.
For not being good enough.
For being too dirty to be loved.
But still...you persist, you wipe away my tears and tell me I am beautiful, that I can be whole...that I can become a son...and just...
What can I say to that?
To this holiness?
To this goodness?
What words can I offer to you?
My tongue is lame and dead
I am struck dumb
and I just can hope you love me all the same.
Thank you, thank you.
Oh Lover of my soul
thank you for this grace.
Thank you for friends, family
and given me my beloved.
Thank you for such constant love and grace
how can I ever say thank you enough?
Even in the times of my body and soul
being wracked with pain
You have never left my side,
my glorious and beautiful one
thank you.
He made us, and we are his.
We are his people, the sheep of his pasture.
Enter his gates with thanksgiving;
go into his courts with praise.
Give thanks to him and praise his name.
For the Lord is good.
His unfailing love continues forever,
and his faithfulness continues to each generation."
-Psalm 100:3-5
Safe...certainly not...yet you are good, oh so wonderful...beautiful beyond my simple mind and lack of understanding.
I keep running, keep fleeing in the other direction...from you, from your love...from your grace...from everything good that you have given me...and you patiently come to me...hold me, love me, treasure me...and tell me again and again that I am yours, that you love me, that you will never leave or forsake me...
It always makes me want to cry in shame.
For not being good enough.
For being too dirty to be loved.
But still...you persist, you wipe away my tears and tell me I am beautiful, that I can be whole...that I can become a son...and just...
What can I say to that?
To this holiness?
To this goodness?
What words can I offer to you?
My tongue is lame and dead
I am struck dumb
and I just can hope you love me all the same.
Thank you, thank you.
Oh Lover of my soul
thank you for this grace.
Thank you for friends, family
and given me my beloved.
Thank you for such constant love and grace
how can I ever say thank you enough?
Even in the times of my body and soul
being wracked with pain
You have never left my side,
my glorious and beautiful one
thank you.
Monday, August 9, 2010
Trioblóid
I hate how oversensitive I am.
I can't stand it.
I am angry at myself for being upset over such insignificant little trifles.
This...this weakness, this exposing myself and letting tiny particles in between the rusted armor around this broken heart...they get in deep and won't leave.
I just...need to get outside more.
See the sunlight.
I've been by myself for almost a week after being drunk off the intoxicating liquor of love, of closeness...of feeling what it is like to no longer be alone...
The Dark...the shade which inhabits my soul...infects my body and pushes into my mind...it loves this pain. It finds excuse to lure me deep into myself so I can leave everyone and everything...just push away and grow further introverted, further from You and my beloved...and what...and why?
Adam and Eve ran and his when they sinned and as a byproduct recognized they were exposed to the world...the innocence was lost, they knew no needs and were complete...and that sin entered in and introduced just a single unexpected factor and screws up so much.
All of this discontent, fear, anger, displacement...all of these base and raw emotions I hate...I am afraid of...I can't stand...I fear.
I love you, I hate you.
Both in the same breath.
I never asked for this life
and woke up one day
to find demands
and pain screaming through my soul.
I never would have picked this life
because of the pain I have faced
but then again,
I never would have seen this beauty
or be the person I am.
Where would she have been
without your guidance
and your boundless grace?
Would we have met even?
I'm silly to fall into circles I have already been out of.
Trouble, so much trouble.
Yet...there is still love...even for when my faith is so weak.
I still have so much further to go...before...
I can't stand it.
I am angry at myself for being upset over such insignificant little trifles.
This...this weakness, this exposing myself and letting tiny particles in between the rusted armor around this broken heart...they get in deep and won't leave.
I just...need to get outside more.
See the sunlight.
I've been by myself for almost a week after being drunk off the intoxicating liquor of love, of closeness...of feeling what it is like to no longer be alone...
The Dark...the shade which inhabits my soul...infects my body and pushes into my mind...it loves this pain. It finds excuse to lure me deep into myself so I can leave everyone and everything...just push away and grow further introverted, further from You and my beloved...and what...and why?
Adam and Eve ran and his when they sinned and as a byproduct recognized they were exposed to the world...the innocence was lost, they knew no needs and were complete...and that sin entered in and introduced just a single unexpected factor and screws up so much.
All of this discontent, fear, anger, displacement...all of these base and raw emotions I hate...I am afraid of...I can't stand...I fear.
I love you, I hate you.
Both in the same breath.
I never asked for this life
and woke up one day
to find demands
and pain screaming through my soul.
I never would have picked this life
because of the pain I have faced
but then again,
I never would have seen this beauty
or be the person I am.
Where would she have been
without your guidance
and your boundless grace?
Would we have met even?
I'm silly to fall into circles I have already been out of.
Trouble, so much trouble.
Yet...there is still love...even for when my faith is so weak.
I still have so much further to go...before...
Sunday, August 8, 2010
Psalm 98
"The Lord has announced his victory
and has revealed his righteousness to every nation!
He has remembered his promise to love and be faithful to Israel.
The ends of the earth have seen the victory of our God."
-Psalm 98:2-3
I am unsure of what to pray and how to say all the things in my heart and mind...the hope, the anticipation, the excitement of a new year...of seeing my beloved...of seeing friends...but so much dread about what to do, money, those I have hurt and caused pain to...I just wish I could solve everything...but You don't even do that for a reason.
You have won...if there was every any doubt, you have the victory for all of time. The pain, the struggle, the pain...even the sin infecting this world is temporary...it is real and the struggle matters, the pain we endure and suffer matters...but there is only so long you will let this go on...right?
Please remember the promises you made to me, of saving me and redeeming me from the trash heap of spiritual trash I lived in. Please remember and give me strength during the day to show love and lead as I might...help me to come to you in prayer and sincere want to be new.
You loved me before you created me,
before this temporal world was
You were and hand crafted every atom
of the person I was to be.
You saw me, you loved me
even knowing the pain I would cause
the sin I would grow
and the shame I would dwell in.
Instead of leaving me in the mud,
the mire and swamp of sin
and rotting souls
You called my name
and pulled me up,
lift me out of this
so I may never know such separation again.
and has revealed his righteousness to every nation!
He has remembered his promise to love and be faithful to Israel.
The ends of the earth have seen the victory of our God."
-Psalm 98:2-3
I am unsure of what to pray and how to say all the things in my heart and mind...the hope, the anticipation, the excitement of a new year...of seeing my beloved...of seeing friends...but so much dread about what to do, money, those I have hurt and caused pain to...I just wish I could solve everything...but You don't even do that for a reason.
You have won...if there was every any doubt, you have the victory for all of time. The pain, the struggle, the pain...even the sin infecting this world is temporary...it is real and the struggle matters, the pain we endure and suffer matters...but there is only so long you will let this go on...right?
Please remember the promises you made to me, of saving me and redeeming me from the trash heap of spiritual trash I lived in. Please remember and give me strength during the day to show love and lead as I might...help me to come to you in prayer and sincere want to be new.
You loved me before you created me,
before this temporal world was
You were and hand crafted every atom
of the person I was to be.
You saw me, you loved me
even knowing the pain I would cause
the sin I would grow
and the shame I would dwell in.
Instead of leaving me in the mud,
the mire and swamp of sin
and rotting souls
You called my name
and pulled me up,
lift me out of this
so I may never know such separation again.
Covered in Darkness
I'm laying here listening to music, letting the sound of piano try and lull me to a state of mind where maybe I can sleep...there is nothing but the light of this laptop and the darkness which swirls in and out of being as I shift and move.
Distance.
I hate that word so much.
Yet it is reality.
Nothing here on earth lasts.
Yet, I feel this insatiable pull towards you...to go against my logic, my fears of how everything will end and create something that in one manner or another will inevitably be crushed by this world.
The best case scenario is years of happiness with a quick death to serve as separation...but even as I write that I realize how flimsy an excuse that is...what is death? What is life?
Passing seconds between here and eternity...if it is possible to love someone in this imperfect world, how much more so will it be possible when everything is made new?
Maybe I am a fool, that really wouldn't be a huge surprise to anyone really...but I have hope.
Growing hope.
Even with being so incredibly sick, feeling so many doubts...feeling so alone at this very second...I still have hope that refuses to die or be silent no matter how I try to shut it up.
Fear of hope...only a person as silly as me would have a fear of hope.
I also feel guilty for feeling happy...how screwed up is that?
Yes people are suffering in this world and I am afraid I will only make more people hurt...but...maybe I just can't let that control my impulses and thoughts completely...maybe...I honestly am not sure.
So much is uncertain.
What is known is I miss my beloved...the miles are so long and time is so slow as my soul waits and sighs as it aches.
Never thought it could be so good, so much better and wonderful than the many stories...hope, hope, hope.
Distance.
I hate that word so much.
Yet it is reality.
Nothing here on earth lasts.
Yet, I feel this insatiable pull towards you...to go against my logic, my fears of how everything will end and create something that in one manner or another will inevitably be crushed by this world.
The best case scenario is years of happiness with a quick death to serve as separation...but even as I write that I realize how flimsy an excuse that is...what is death? What is life?
Passing seconds between here and eternity...if it is possible to love someone in this imperfect world, how much more so will it be possible when everything is made new?
Maybe I am a fool, that really wouldn't be a huge surprise to anyone really...but I have hope.
Growing hope.
Even with being so incredibly sick, feeling so many doubts...feeling so alone at this very second...I still have hope that refuses to die or be silent no matter how I try to shut it up.
Fear of hope...only a person as silly as me would have a fear of hope.
I also feel guilty for feeling happy...how screwed up is that?
Yes people are suffering in this world and I am afraid I will only make more people hurt...but...maybe I just can't let that control my impulses and thoughts completely...maybe...I honestly am not sure.
So much is uncertain.
What is known is I miss my beloved...the miles are so long and time is so slow as my soul waits and sighs as it aches.
Never thought it could be so good, so much better and wonderful than the many stories...hope, hope, hope.
Saturday, August 7, 2010
It is infuriatingly frustrating that every time I think I have 'grown up' I manage to find a way to proving to myself that I have years left before I even reach that point...
Ack.
Why must the soul be so quick to taint and so slow to learn?
I suppose there is a reason...I'm just too tired to really formulate much thought on it right now...
Ack.
Why must the soul be so quick to taint and so slow to learn?
I suppose there is a reason...I'm just too tired to really formulate much thought on it right now...
Psalm 97
"You who love the Lord, hate evil!
He protects the lives of his godly people
and rescues them from the power of the wicked.
Light shines on the godly,
and joy on those whose hearts are right.
May all who are godly rejoice in the Lord
and praise his holy name!"
-Psalm 97:10-12
Fear, praise...hope and hating of this darkness within me and in this world...
My heart is so cold and like stone so often...certain things will never pierce me or convict me...please break me so I will always have compassion for the poor, the broken, the addicted, the hopeless...those who need you most.
Even when they have hurt me so bad.
Teach me to have compassion...to protect myself and my beloved...but to still be faithful to your commands to love to the very end...
Joy, hope, grace, forgiveness...reality...truth...
Love, such burning and pure love which enters my soul and refuses to be content with just occupying the first chamber...but demands all of me...mind, body and soul...help me surrender to the flames of your passion, of your desire for union for us...and for me to forgive and be forgiven...oh grace...grace...grace...
He protects the lives of his godly people
and rescues them from the power of the wicked.
Light shines on the godly,
and joy on those whose hearts are right.
May all who are godly rejoice in the Lord
and praise his holy name!"
-Psalm 97:10-12
Fear, praise...hope and hating of this darkness within me and in this world...
My heart is so cold and like stone so often...certain things will never pierce me or convict me...please break me so I will always have compassion for the poor, the broken, the addicted, the hopeless...those who need you most.
Even when they have hurt me so bad.
Teach me to have compassion...to protect myself and my beloved...but to still be faithful to your commands to love to the very end...
Joy, hope, grace, forgiveness...reality...truth...
Love, such burning and pure love which enters my soul and refuses to be content with just occupying the first chamber...but demands all of me...mind, body and soul...help me surrender to the flames of your passion, of your desire for union for us...and for me to forgive and be forgiven...oh grace...grace...grace...
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)
