I hate pretending to be strong...it feels like I'm lying...but otherwise I would be causing those who do care about me to worry even more than they do...and everyone reaches a limit of where they simply cannot take or deal with anymore stress.

Besides, maybe if I lie about how my health is enough my body will start to believe it and I can magically "Try feeling better" and it will work.

The loud noises, the screams and terrible music...it reminds me of being in the hotel room in China, sick with dysentery. I was on the fifth floor I think...and across the street was the shop that played this terrible techno CD from about 8am until around 6pm. It was about fifteen tracks I had memorized by the third day of my sickness.

I would wake up from my fever humming the bar it was on.
I had my portable CD player and listened to stuff like Brave Saint Saturn, dc Talk, Five Iron Frenzy and Blindside...but the loud abrasive music didn't exactly help my headache...

I guess I say that just to be able to say...sometimes life simply sucks. And it can always be worse...I have most of my heath...I just feel nauseated and have a really bad migraine...it could be worse.

I have those I love and who love me...and the One who is Love...even when I am hurting...there is peace and hope I cannot deny.

I want to be healed and whole...but maybe that is not my destiny...if by suffering I become more like Christ...I become more understanding of pain and can help those who suffer...maybe this isn't all just pointless.

Certainly I wish someone else would make the sacrifice...but who will?
Maybe...just maybe all these dreams may start to become real...and I could help someone...

I'm never going to get use to the nausea...and on top of it...the idiots are still yelling about the game that ended three hours ago.
I really do not like sports...

In the good news realm...I think I may have my thesis paper topic: "Kierkegaard's View of the True Relation of the Christian and of the State"

Could someone please explain to me, please tell me what I did to have the gods of poverty, death, social drama and poor health chase me across this world?

Paradiso

Reality is a harsh enough mistress, why must my dreams lend themselves to solidifying the nihilistic horror of being aware to the true purpose of the universe?

I have and will continue the pursuit of truth at the sacrifice of everything...just as I have the first twenty-three years...so is it too much to just want a happy dream from time to time?

Happiness in life is not impossible...just vastly improbable...and for those who are aware, who seek and wish to know how far this rabbit hole goes...there is nothing but an assured life of...

But why get ahead of myself?
Many much more talented and useful people than myself have fallen harder and failed to finish...so who is to say I'll make it to the next mile marker or even the next step before I fall down and quit?

My soul aches for completion...it misses you...it misses things that I never have known and may never see. Is it silly to cast everything on the dreams and longings of a place that may have never been?

...there is hope, solid and hopefully undying hope...it's just the pains and frailties of my health act as this thorn that makes me doubt...that makes me afraid that I am forgotten and that...

I just...wish and hope I can get lost on this past to truth...maybe see the ones I'm looking for while on the way...maybe there will be...

Okay...weird night.
I want this weekend to end already so I can get back to class...so much less confusing >_>