Sunday, July 12, 2009
The Grey Sunrise
Been up since about three AM reading...thinking...hoping...praying.
Going to sleep at 7 or 8 PM is actually so much better for me...I wake up almost feeling rested and so much more energetic and better...now if I could just cut out the rest of the bad stuff from my diet and run every day...I dare say I might make a recovery before the Mayo clinic can get me in.
I'm feeling hope...hope burning deeply inside me.
It's more then any thing, any person, any set of doctrinal rules can give me...knowing You are loved...without reason other then I am...it's so alien, so foreign from every relationship in my life which has demanded me to love before being loved first. It's like every crummy MMO which supplants a laundry list instead of a vivid and immersible story.
I've been tied of games and shallow relationships for a while...I've been on a sabbatical without meaning to for a while...but a sucky one in which I have trouble sleeping at night, I feel guilty for eating the food here and for all rights and purposes almost feel as if I am some parasite leeching off the general 'goodness' of those who claim me.
I hate those thoughts.
I'm tired of feeling that way.
I'm ready for what is next, I'm ready to see things on a different level.
I've been cruising and have no idea why I've been here for so long except that I've been sick. People do not understand why I so desperately want out of this house, this town, this state, this way of life...it's not that I hate the people or take the relationships...the LOVE for granted...but...have you felt the truth brush against your heart? Your mind?
I'm infected with this eternal love.
This impossible goodness.
Jesus shouldn't be God.
God shouldn't exists.
Humanity should have never been.
None of this should be possible but my God it is.
The cross, the love, the pain, the beauty...all of this.
All so vivid and real.
This blood pumps through my heart just as my heart burns to go to the darkest night and share love. Love that is offered for free and demands honesty.
It's the intoxicating love, love that brings me to tears and rips me from every level of comfort that demands I kneel and jump forward into the unknown.
I got too excited.
I'm hurting bad in my stomach now.
I don't care what this is, I don't give a damn if it kills me today or in twenty years. I don't want to die but whatever this is it is, whatever will be will be and the only thing I care about is making this next step.
Going to sleep at 7 or 8 PM is actually so much better for me...I wake up almost feeling rested and so much more energetic and better...now if I could just cut out the rest of the bad stuff from my diet and run every day...I dare say I might make a recovery before the Mayo clinic can get me in.
I'm feeling hope...hope burning deeply inside me.
It's more then any thing, any person, any set of doctrinal rules can give me...knowing You are loved...without reason other then I am...it's so alien, so foreign from every relationship in my life which has demanded me to love before being loved first. It's like every crummy MMO which supplants a laundry list instead of a vivid and immersible story.
I've been tied of games and shallow relationships for a while...I've been on a sabbatical without meaning to for a while...but a sucky one in which I have trouble sleeping at night, I feel guilty for eating the food here and for all rights and purposes almost feel as if I am some parasite leeching off the general 'goodness' of those who claim me.
I hate those thoughts.
I'm tired of feeling that way.
I'm ready for what is next, I'm ready to see things on a different level.
I've been cruising and have no idea why I've been here for so long except that I've been sick. People do not understand why I so desperately want out of this house, this town, this state, this way of life...it's not that I hate the people or take the relationships...the LOVE for granted...but...have you felt the truth brush against your heart? Your mind?
I'm infected with this eternal love.
This impossible goodness.
Jesus shouldn't be God.
God shouldn't exists.
Humanity should have never been.
None of this should be possible but my God it is.
The cross, the love, the pain, the beauty...all of this.
All so vivid and real.
This blood pumps through my heart just as my heart burns to go to the darkest night and share love. Love that is offered for free and demands honesty.
It's the intoxicating love, love that brings me to tears and rips me from every level of comfort that demands I kneel and jump forward into the unknown.
I got too excited.
I'm hurting bad in my stomach now.
I don't care what this is, I don't give a damn if it kills me today or in twenty years. I don't want to die but whatever this is it is, whatever will be will be and the only thing I care about is making this next step.
Sunrises Forever
I've got nothing but time
but time just missed me
on my way out the door.
Before I knew who I was
I was here waiting,
waiting just for You.
Waiting for the sun to rise
and to hear of Love.
To know the sun will rise
after the darkest night,
to know that You thought of me
with every new rose that would bloom,
to know that You saw the same beauty
in watching the birds in flight,
to know that it's not crazy
to hope to believe that one day
Love will be real
and that every tear will be wiped away.
We've walked this far together
and there is still so much left to do
while waiting and still just waiting
for the world to be made anew
Beyond dusty tomes
feeling the beauty of love
just as it is new.
Holding to the hope
clutching to the dream
that the dawn is coming
and this light that is You.
Is it okay to say this?
Is it still okay to hope?
After we have seen this
seen the ugly
and have plumbed the darker depths
and the Hells hidden in man's heart,
can we still hold to Love?
Every passing star in the night sky
just makes me hold to You
knowing the little I do
and just hoping I can stop crying
long enough to remember
the tempest Your love encompasses
and I know that You know,
You've always known I love You.
With the Muse's hands guiding me
with the whispers of Love
I know You know
so let these words be few
as I hope to fall deeper into Love,
further into grace
and know just know
there is no end
just this endlessly new beginning.
but time just missed me
on my way out the door.
Before I knew who I was
I was here waiting,
waiting just for You.
Waiting for the sun to rise
and to hear of Love.
To know the sun will rise
after the darkest night,
to know that You thought of me
with every new rose that would bloom,
to know that You saw the same beauty
in watching the birds in flight,
to know that it's not crazy
to hope to believe that one day
Love will be real
and that every tear will be wiped away.
We've walked this far together
and there is still so much left to do
while waiting and still just waiting
for the world to be made anew
Beyond dusty tomes
feeling the beauty of love
just as it is new.
Holding to the hope
clutching to the dream
that the dawn is coming
and this light that is You.
Is it okay to say this?
Is it still okay to hope?
After we have seen this
seen the ugly
and have plumbed the darker depths
and the Hells hidden in man's heart,
can we still hold to Love?
Every passing star in the night sky
just makes me hold to You
knowing the little I do
and just hoping I can stop crying
long enough to remember
the tempest Your love encompasses
and I know that You know,
You've always known I love You.
With the Muse's hands guiding me
with the whispers of Love
I know You know
so let these words be few
as I hope to fall deeper into Love,
further into grace
and know just know
there is no end
just this endlessly new beginning.
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