Some Free Thoughts

I would like to sleep now, forever and a day. Sleep is something I normally despise because I do not like the blankness, the vulnerability, the waste of time, the emptiness that tends to surge upon my entrance into the new day.

Odd how I can take a simple pleasure billions of other people can enjoy and not only do I strip it of its joy but my mind twists and provides dark commentary as to why I do not like it.

Anyone can write about the evils of American foreign policy, anyone can point the finger at the corrupt Oil companies, it is quite easy to be bigoted towards something the rest of the world hates...so I do think it is rather admirable and might even say true punk for me to say down with the sleep and down with the aspects of our personal lives that are nothing more then little cancers we are nursing until they are given ample time to grow up and stab us bleeding into the heart.

There are admirable things in life, there are good things, there is happiness, there are smiles, there is a reason to celebrate, there are good reasons to live, good reasons to strive for life, there are purposes and so many other things but right now I do not care, I simply am to selfish and to caught up in my own personal drama to care.

When I write it is almost as if I can start to feel this connection to the whole of creation, there is the flow of words, this extension of myself, I feel some confusion, a little doubt...the words and worlds around me are nothing more then their own personal constructs made for the self glorification of one ego maniac after the next.

Thoughts upon thoughts upon desire upon the lack of control felt by us all. Some scream loud and others try to scream the loudest, just so they can appear to have fictional answers about why they deserve our adoration and worship. Self glorifying and narcissistic bastards, the lot of them.

New Year and New Day with Common Problems

The normal status quo is about the same. The question that must be asked is what shall I do with it and about it?

Making your own decisions for the first time is odd.

I'll need money for sure, health insurance won't hurt, food is good, water is better, creativity is a must and there must be so much of other things that I am not even sure what these 'things' might be exactly.

Old things really don't make me happy anymore, small stories and limited boxes are all they seem to be anymore. Empty constructs dependent on binary like every other computing machine. The inklings of humanity are indeed broad but are quite shallow in their soil.


Realizing the large world with near infinite possibility for the first time is quite terrifying. People settle for sub par things because the world scares the hell out of them and they have no clue how to respond to something so impossibly large. No wonder people are so miserable, we don't even reach a small percentage of the potential and happiness we could have.



I wish it could just be us two, no more of the headaches, no more separation by distance, no more of the entanglements of this broken world holding us back. No more broken visages and no more pretending to love you. I am so sick of this fake love I dance around, this pretending to love you while so much suffering goes on.

If you are more then just my imagination running wild I need to be able to see the path in front of me, even if it is just one step at a time. Any help would most certainly be appreciated and welcomed, every last shred of it will be taken to heart and exuberantly embraced.

Or so I say, at least until the next time I hurt, the next time cry, the next time things fall apart; then I will tear into you again screaming obscenity and cursing the fact I was ever made. It is absolutely amazing how easy it is to blame you for my failures when the only thing you have been responsible has been my success. You have loved and carried me beyond any possible understanding on my part. I want to breath but it is so hard, I want to walk forward but I can't even stand the weight of my own failures.

All I ever had was you, all I have ever wanted is you. Everything else I thought I wanted was just a desire to weak to realize what love is. My body is being ravaged by sin, by time and by failure. I'll have finished dying soon enough and then maybe we can see each other, maybe there will be a world without end that we can share. What is possible is only limited by the infinite love that you hold for me.

Another Night

It is funny how often I lay awake at night, my hands shaking from the anxiety of never sleeping, my eyes stinging from having run out of tears days ago, barely hearing the lies I tell everyone around me so I can hide from the world, the real funny thing is how often I just think of you. How I become enraptured by the smallest bit of attention you throw my way, my heart clings desperately to the smallest thing you say, the desire of wanting to know I can trust your intentions.

I'm sure that I have to lie to myself to be able to keep going, if I didn't lie you know the truth would destroy us, destroy me. You know I never mean to hurt you by it either, right? Good intentions are all you ever need to be a hero anyways.

I just would like to take a trip inside your mind, to be able to see how you think, how you feel, to know why it feels like I am the last human you would ever want to look at, to know if I really could be loved by someone like you, to know that my mind is playing tricks on me again.

All the same emotion, drama and feelings are all a confusing lot that I never know what to do with.

You are able to be a mystery while I beg to be understood, you hold your emotions under lock and key while I proudly wear them on my sleeves, you speak with the smallest of knowing whispers while I scream and shout my ignorance . Two polar opposites of effect and still I cannot help but think, dwell, pray and seek to be understood.