Psalm 117

"Praise the Lord, all you nations.
Praise him, all you people of the earth.
For he loves us with unfailing love;
the Lord’s faithfulness endures forever.
Praise the Lord!"
-Psalm 117:1-2

This is it?
This is the entire psalm?

Honestly, the absolute last thing that was on my mind when I woke up this morning is "praise the Lord".
The absolute last thing I feel like doing is praising.
Maybe screaming.
Possibly jumping around my room punching and kicking the air out of frustration.
But praise?
No. Not in the least.

Maybe I am just bad at being a theology major but I refuse to do something that is not sincere, that is not an honest expression of my heart.

I am scared, I am bitter, I am terrified, I am in pain...I am full of fear and pain...so no the last thought on my mind is "praise the Lord/great things he hath done" because my first thought was "How bad is it going to be today?" "How painful will the tests be?" "Can't I just lay in bed and fade out of existence?"

I know there are absolutely wonderful and amazing things in life...and that there are flowers, sunshine and kittens...but they don't do a damn thing for me when the only thing I can do is curl up in a ball and cry from being in such pain.

Why are you so far away from me Lord?
Why do you wait so long to come and save me?
How long will you choose to turn a blind eye to your people, to me?
How long must we suffer in this world before you return and bring balance back into this world?

Yes, my sin is great.
I am jaded and bitter, cynical and full of hate...and for that I am sorry. I am sorry for being so weak, so quick to doubt and not believe you alone are worthy of praise...I'm sorry for being such a self-righteous git because it isn't helping me or anyone with dealing with me.

The last thing I ever intended was to get to upset over being in constant pain...but when it feels like every day might possibly be the worst day of my life...it starts to wear on one's soul.

How long?
How long to sing this song?
How long?
Oh, how long?

My throat is raw and I have no more tears to cry.
I'm so full of self I could just be like Jonah and lay here and sulk until I die from exposure. I am patterned after the worst of things here...and supposedly you still love me.

Why do I refuse to forgive and love?
Why do I want to hold onto these worldly nothings?
What can I do besides weep?
I want to be forgiven, I can't carry this burden...this weight on my own.
I'm holding too tight onto nothing that will never last and just cause me more pain.

I want to love you, I want to love you more and I need to be forgiven, I need the peace that can only come from you...I know that with you, we can do this together...I just need help standing back up...because I've fallen down again and am stuck flat on my face...sin and sin.

Where are we going?
Can we rest soon?
I feel faint from thirst and hunger...please keep me safe.
I'm so afraid of the lions that are out and about at night...please keep me safe.

I have nothing, all I am is found in you.
You alone Daddy.