Psalm 37

"Be still in the presence of the Lord,
and wait patiently for him to act.
Don’t worry about evil people who prosper
or fret about their wicked schemes."
-Psalm 37:7


I don't know how to be still.
My mind never shuts off.
My feet and hands shake all the time when I sit down.
I am ridiculously jittery.
I over think.
I do not know how to just be.

Why doth I, such a fleeting insect seek to steer One so immeasurable and impossible? You are so beyond me, that the merest comprehension proves impossible..and yet...You still love me.

Love me.

You are so beautiful, so wonderful...so beyond my comprehension.
Those that hurt me, wish me harm, want me dead, who think I am nothing but scum...You love them as well.

You bled and died on a cross for me and them.

I try to win useless fights while You just want me to sit under Your wings and soak in Your love and grace while You teach me what grace really is.


I just...want to love and be loved.
I want the pain in my body, soul and heart to reduce and be healed so I can love and love again and love truly.

Please...help me grow from this pain...and just...
...You know...only You know.

I would like to scream right now.
Preferably with a lot of profanities while jumping around the room kicking stuff and screaming about why life is hardly fair at all.

*sigh*

God.

Creed is officially marketing itself as a Christian band now?
I wish Hell would stop freezing over already...

Quote of the Day:

"In Love's service, only wounded soldiers can serve."
—Brennan Manning

Nothing

Once again I find myself in a place where words have no meaning and are pointless.

I will wear it because I need a reminder laced with nihilistic tendencies.

Feelings?
Emotions?
No...I can't afford such things.
Just revisits of medication and pained expressions.

Is my life a lie?
I just never say what I feel.
It's all a clever self-righteous display
of discreet misdirection.

Burying as I always will.
The obnoxious thing is I would only talk to you about this kind of thing.

I don't know if I am hungry.
Am I just sick again?
Damn this useless body.
I hate it almost as much as me.

Maybe.
Maybe not.

I'm in a place where words are no longer real.

There is no rest.

None could understand except those already here...yet...

Pain reveals and lifts off the scales of pretension.
I hate what I see.
I despise everything within me.
The coward, the shadow and shade.
Mercenary, fiend and bastard child.

Thoughts...just...

Part of me speaks of inevitability
and perverse joy in being proven right.
The same sort of broken faith
as held before.


I just feel teeth cutting into my soul
and hope I can just disregard everything.
Unhealthy lies.
I just want to stop.
But there is this storm of everything to not do.

The greatest temptation is death by apathy
and allowing everything to atrophied
but this stupid faith won't let me.
The One I keep crying, praying and asking from
will not let me lay here in pain and be.
It wasn't enough my body hurts
and my soul cries out as well
but now...now what?

I don't care.
Yes the view is nice.
I appreciate You taking the time
but when it daily feels like
my body and soul are bathed with Hell,
could You please excuse me
from caring about the sunrise?

I better understand why people go to their madness
and drink it
and cast away everything for it.

I feel anger as much as just this stupid pining.
Being human is so repulsively frustrating.

What is...
Why...
Relentless questions with no answer.
No plausible notion
because it simply is.

I wish I was strong enough to just erase all this.
It brings nothing positive affront.
Just more useless meanderings
pointing in another direction
while I slip off into the night
hoping to not be followed.