I miss you.

Pain is there too.

Can't breath so well...pain...so...much.

There is a certain degree of madness that is becoming evident as the day progresses...thoughts...feelings...confusion.

An answer is asked for...definitions too...and it is something I lack.

I don't know how to give justification or explanation for any of this...it is.

Truth and love...all relevant and beautiful despite the pain that does manifest.

How?
Why?
Where?

Where is this all going?
What is to come of it all?

Finding Nineveh...such an odd journey.

Tired Bones and Weary Souls

Why does my body have to scream in agony every time I try to get out of bed? What do I have to hurt? What point will this serve?

Why...why do you never leave me when I forsake You?

How do you love such a broken creation...I am so tired, so broken and God so ashamed. I wish I could pull up into myself and hide from the dread Your beauty instills into my soul. I see your love, your compassion and God your grace...they terrify me and shake me to my core.

To realize my limitations and how self obsessed...and how broken.

Where does it end?

But this love, how can it begin when everything feels so run down, so broken and so impossible?

Redundancy and Lies

Here I,
Here I am.
Every phrase and every word
and every processed
spiritual cliche
making me retch
is buried deep within my soul.
I wrote the book
and killed hope with my savior.

Moment,
ever lasting moment.
Regards to all
the truth
and screams ripping flesh
as throats collapse
and veins explode
from the falling wrath
of one lost
and so bitter.

Look in your mirror
and see the world you made
and just how bitter
and ugly you are.

Jesus,
you see this broken machine
these lies across the world
broken and bloody as a cancer.
You see the facade I've lived
while trying to kill for me.
You have seen the blood I spilled
all in the pursuit of my ego.

Jesus,
you see the hole in my soul
and the ugly insects slithering inside
as I scream for help
all the time dragging my feet so I can wait.
You've seen every last tear I've shed
and you have felt every nail,
every rusty nail I have driven into your wrist
while screaming my will be done.

You've seen me kill for my own gain
and only care for me.

Lamb, mild and meek.
Creator and redeemer.
The Holy one who holds the stars
and knit my soul together.
How do you love such imperfection?
How do you show any grace to such failure?

How can you love the bastards
and all of us who plotted against You?
Love for the liars, the thieves,
the selfish, the slothful,
the judges, the sinners,
the bastards, the forgotten,
the hated and forsaken.
We have nothing left
but the venom on our tongues
and our ability to devour the weak.
Every poisonous word
and Lord I am here.
Opportunistic mercenary I am.

God my soul burns in pain
free us from this agony.
From this broken shell.
To home,
to the end,
to the resolution
and to the every new day
beginning joy of your love.

Take this fear, these lies
and my dying breaths,
take them and give them life
set them free to fly
and let them fly
to the future known only by You.

Freedom from this dying shell.
Oh God, please.