I've wanted to apologize for strong language in the past but I can't. Part of being in love is fighting, getting upset, having rows and telling someone how upset you are.
Personally, a sick part of me hopes me telling Jesus "I hate you and wish you would kill me" offends people and helps them realize that God doesn't need us to treat him like an old lady needing to cross the street.
I don't care how crazy I sound because the harder I fall, the worse I hurt, the greater the peace and comfort that wraps around me like a cloak. Even though I'm scared, confused and hurting...there is this peace that scares the Hell out of me.
I don't want to be loved, I don't want to be saved or redeemed from being a pathetic creature...but He still stands over me, holds me, carries me, comforts me and no matter how alone I feel or how much I hurt he never let's go of my hand.
I just hate feeling such a distance in between us, while feeling this passionate love I can't explain to anyone without feeling like I'm talking about some invisible lover that only I can see.
I can't help but feel insane because I hate the concept of love, it scares me, it hurts me and it makes me cry a lot. I don't want to be in love, I don't want to feel happiness, or joy or peace...I'm just sick and want to hurt...but He loves me and I have no choice. I try to run away and he pursues my heart just like he does everyone from their moment of conception to the moment of their dying breath and they awake into eternity.
Words fall short, words cannot describe the absolute infinity of love because they are merely tools of a disgustingly finite creature trying so hard to enter into a realm beyond the merest conceptions of finite organic material.
I want to badly to believe, to love, to live and just move one but Jesus, God, it is so hard. Every breath makes me ache, every moment is this walking through sub zero temperature.
I'm so cold, so needy, so desperate for more, so much so that I can't even comprehend or breath right.
I'm a fool in love, no more and no less.
Just this fool in the freezing rain dying for more of your love again and again.
How can I say I love you?
How can I make it last?
Make it meaningful?
I've tried most of my life to ignore you but my soul NEEDS you, it cries for you with a passion that scares me.
I hate the weakness I feel in my knees when I feel you presence around me.
I hate the tears in my eyes when I feel you touch my heart, my soul and give me more love.
It reminds me how tainted I am, how broken and how unworthy I am and how often I put me and everyone around me through this frustratingly stupid circles of me being depressed, self loathing and hate because I just can't SIMPLY accept your love, that I am loved and that despite the imperfections it will be okay.
If it can't be perfect I selfishly want it all to end.
To die.
To be dissolved because I can't handle such perfection because of how overwhelming it is.
The only thing, the closest I can get to expressing this love...this overwhelming...is through music...the pulsating beat, the piercing guitars...all so loud they almost hurt to hear...the voices, the deep growls...the pain, the love conveyed not so much by the words as the voice...words...expressions that get caught in my throat...that I cannot convey as well as I wish I COULD...but I cannot.
So much pain, so much longing.
So much death.
God, why?
Why allow love and bonds to be formed only to be ripped away, taking away my desire for life? Why allow me to love and feel so deep just so it can be ripped out of my hands and be left on my knees and hands wracking with unexpressed sobs? Unable to cry because people need me to be strong?
Why does this dam have to burst now?
Why do I have to bleed blood?
Why do I have to throw this all up for public display?
Why?
Why?
Why?
"These streets are as cold and wet
As my eyes, flesh and bones are longing home
I was taken out of context
And to think you had me not speaking for a month or two
But it’s not You I know
It’s just me waiting
Waiting for the sun to come out
We are to follow
What if I could stand still and get moved
We are to follow
We are nothing running blind
We are to follow
We are so sick of it now
We are to follow
But I’m scared to be left behind
We are to follow
Nothing now
The TV dies more and more for each day
And the beauty of your eyes (in my head)
Makes the flashing lights behind me on the wall look even more pale
Four o’clock and the sky is getting red
And here I am, just me waiting
Waiting for the sun to come out
I’m throwing myself at you
And I’m holding on for dear life
Can I scream out of tune in this choir
God help me scream
What if I would stand still and get moved
By You"
-Blindside, "We Are to Follow"
Thursday, February 19, 2009
Awkward Prayers
It is not like I didn't see this coming.
I mean, really.
Me? A minister of any kind?
I have no business in a church, much less behind a pulpit of any sort.
It's a joke, a facade. Did I mention hypocrite? This lying, dirty mercenary looking for a cheap thrill at the greatest expense for those around me? Oh and I'm bothering to write a self loathing post for attention and so people feel sorry and bad for me.
Look at me go.
Solider of Christ I ain't.
Royal jackass is a better call.
Or at least that is my personal thought on the matter.
It's not like I had any good intention in what I wanted to do. Oh, maybe there were a few positive thoughts. A few things that slipped through the cracks of my demented ego that is all about being praised for being so 'holy' and 'good'.
Such useless rubbish.
Every time someone bothers to try and help me or get in contact with me I'm so wrapped up in my own world and thoughts that I ignore them, missing calls and emails and like I said, I'm just an ass.
I don't even know what the hell I'm doing standing around here in this rain.
I seriously doubt anyone can tell me either.
The first person who uses a door metaphor to help me feel better is getting a knife thrown at them, fair warning.
It is not like I didn't seen this coming either, I had put SOO much hope and faith into this that even if I WOULD have gotten it, I would have been disappointed.
I was expecting a miracle drug for my ailments, that's why I don't give a damn how much sicker I get because I'm going to die anyway. It doesn't matter if I get pancreatic cancer from them trying to help me, this worthless fetid thing is going to die in gasping breaths soon enough and frankly I don't care.
More pain?
More needles?
So what.
I don't care.
I'm in pain and the people I live around can't understand that simple damn fact. Waking up hurt, standing up hurts, walking down damn stairs hurts, eating food hurts and don't even bring up the issue of anythign involving the bathroom.
All of us were born to die, some of us were just meant to fall apart faster and I don't care anymore.
I haven't cared since the day I realized as a child that it honestly doesn't matter to 'family'. As long as they get their gold star and hollow smile they can pretend everything is okay and they have an a okay number one son with no social anxiety, depression or suicidal thoughts.
We can pretend all the fucking rain is gumdrops and jellybeans.
It won't matter in the long run.
There are people with brain tumors, epilepsy, AIDS, quadriplegic, quadruple limb amputees and are all nicer, better tempered than me and not such an utter jackass that they can't get a simple internship which would require them to simply show people love.
I'm cold and try to act like but all I'm succeeding at is just being this pathetic creature begging for sympathy and hating people for even daring to look at me with the least big of sympathy. I want to be hated, I want to cause people to be revolted when they see me...because at least when they hate me I can give a self satisfied grin. I can at least finally feel good for being this absolute scum that I have so desperately wanted my entire life.
It would be a relief to not longer have expectations on my shoulders. It would be nice to actually just let go and become everything I have always been afraid of and hated, just so I can prove my expectations right and just lay down an die because I don't care anymore.
I hate what I haven't even become and shake my fists angrily at the shadows that dance around the room, as if they could care.
Because, you know what?
At the end of the day, at the end of the twenty four hours, the one thousand four hundred and forty minutes and the eighty six thousand and four hundred seconds pass...when all of the pass all of this would have been for nothing.
I feel so cold and angry because I have isolated myself and because I'm too tired of feeling anything.
I want to pretend I don't care, I want to scream until my lungs explode that I hate You and despise everything you have done for me...but it would be lies. I can't even choose to hate the one I am supposed to love. I want to hate you but you want let me. I want to curse your name and cut myself off from all of this but you will not let me. I hurt so badly and I just wish you would reduce my atoms to the nothing that inhabited this existence before you spoke.
I want to feel something beyond death, beyond spirit and just have nothing. Atheists are lucky and naive bastards that can be cowards enough to claim nothing.
If they could stare off into the eternity of nothing they claim to believe they would wet their pants in fear and fall on the ground unmoving and begging the rocks to cover them from the gaze of one who is at once impossibly infinite and impossibly personal.
And what is this?
More rubbish?
I can't even stay mad at you long enough to say I hate you.
I am running circles and just wish you would end this now.
End all of this because I can't take it.
I know I am in misery and pain because I live here and haven't tried to really live or do much more then shiver in fear and want to lay in bed and die.
That is me.
Wonderful hero of this story, isn't it?
I run circles, scream swear words and just try to be open while realizing my efforts are mostly worthless and with little to no real point.
I create this poor pool of egotistical nihilism and am surprised to have it try and swallow me up.
Nice, isn't it?
So much of my life has been based on lies, or to better phrase it, false perceptions of reality that I embrace because it makes life more bearable. We can't say lie or people may get their feelings hurt. But we can say altered state of mind or a perception of reality which better works with our preconceived notions of morality, political correctness and how wonderful the lack of love is.
I feel this anger, this hate, this frustration, this rage, this hurt, this growing emptiness...how hollow I really am and how uselessly cheap my faith truly is.
And you know what?
Once again I'm falling at your feet...bleeding, crying, scared and with no hope.
Once again I am out of options, out of hope and no longer want to go on.
I don't know how many more breaths I can take but without you they are meaningless.
The best I can do is offer these words I haven't written as fading prayers for tonight, just tonight, once again, once more my Love...
"They won't see the fire you have lit inside of me.
They look up to the stars and wonder where you might be.
They look up
Without realizing they're standing in the palm of your hand.
I can't explain or understand.
I just love you.
It's common knowledge that; you've been dead for a while.
It's well known that the cross is only a burden with pains and trials.
But thinking how come my shoes are so light,
how come I can walk for miles?
And still, just love you?
So I think I'll stay, caught up in silent prayer,
cause I believe in silence.
Our hearts speak the same words.
So why don't we just walk along the shoreline with our silent song?
Cause I believe in silence.
Our hearts speak the same words, the same words.
We have to prove that our love is real, over and over again.
But let them think what they want cause I know It'll never end.
Cause I know when it began.
And my heart still pumps twice as fast whenever you walk by.
Cause I still love you.
So I think I'll stay, caught up in silent prayer,
cause I believe in silence.
Our hearts speak the same words.
So why don't we just walk along the shoreline with our silent song?
Cause I believe in silence.
Our hearts speak the same words, the same words."
-Blindside, "Silence"
I mean, really.
Me? A minister of any kind?
I have no business in a church, much less behind a pulpit of any sort.
It's a joke, a facade. Did I mention hypocrite? This lying, dirty mercenary looking for a cheap thrill at the greatest expense for those around me? Oh and I'm bothering to write a self loathing post for attention and so people feel sorry and bad for me.
Look at me go.
Solider of Christ I ain't.
Royal jackass is a better call.
Or at least that is my personal thought on the matter.
It's not like I had any good intention in what I wanted to do. Oh, maybe there were a few positive thoughts. A few things that slipped through the cracks of my demented ego that is all about being praised for being so 'holy' and 'good'.
Such useless rubbish.
Every time someone bothers to try and help me or get in contact with me I'm so wrapped up in my own world and thoughts that I ignore them, missing calls and emails and like I said, I'm just an ass.
I don't even know what the hell I'm doing standing around here in this rain.
I seriously doubt anyone can tell me either.
The first person who uses a door metaphor to help me feel better is getting a knife thrown at them, fair warning.
It is not like I didn't seen this coming either, I had put SOO much hope and faith into this that even if I WOULD have gotten it, I would have been disappointed.
I was expecting a miracle drug for my ailments, that's why I don't give a damn how much sicker I get because I'm going to die anyway. It doesn't matter if I get pancreatic cancer from them trying to help me, this worthless fetid thing is going to die in gasping breaths soon enough and frankly I don't care.
More pain?
More needles?
So what.
I don't care.
I'm in pain and the people I live around can't understand that simple damn fact. Waking up hurt, standing up hurts, walking down damn stairs hurts, eating food hurts and don't even bring up the issue of anythign involving the bathroom.
All of us were born to die, some of us were just meant to fall apart faster and I don't care anymore.
I haven't cared since the day I realized as a child that it honestly doesn't matter to 'family'. As long as they get their gold star and hollow smile they can pretend everything is okay and they have an a okay number one son with no social anxiety, depression or suicidal thoughts.
We can pretend all the fucking rain is gumdrops and jellybeans.
It won't matter in the long run.
There are people with brain tumors, epilepsy, AIDS, quadriplegic, quadruple limb amputees and are all nicer, better tempered than me and not such an utter jackass that they can't get a simple internship which would require them to simply show people love.
I'm cold and try to act like but all I'm succeeding at is just being this pathetic creature begging for sympathy and hating people for even daring to look at me with the least big of sympathy. I want to be hated, I want to cause people to be revolted when they see me...because at least when they hate me I can give a self satisfied grin. I can at least finally feel good for being this absolute scum that I have so desperately wanted my entire life.
It would be a relief to not longer have expectations on my shoulders. It would be nice to actually just let go and become everything I have always been afraid of and hated, just so I can prove my expectations right and just lay down an die because I don't care anymore.
I hate what I haven't even become and shake my fists angrily at the shadows that dance around the room, as if they could care.
Because, you know what?
At the end of the day, at the end of the twenty four hours, the one thousand four hundred and forty minutes and the eighty six thousand and four hundred seconds pass...when all of the pass all of this would have been for nothing.
I feel so cold and angry because I have isolated myself and because I'm too tired of feeling anything.
I want to pretend I don't care, I want to scream until my lungs explode that I hate You and despise everything you have done for me...but it would be lies. I can't even choose to hate the one I am supposed to love. I want to hate you but you want let me. I want to curse your name and cut myself off from all of this but you will not let me. I hurt so badly and I just wish you would reduce my atoms to the nothing that inhabited this existence before you spoke.
I want to feel something beyond death, beyond spirit and just have nothing. Atheists are lucky and naive bastards that can be cowards enough to claim nothing.
If they could stare off into the eternity of nothing they claim to believe they would wet their pants in fear and fall on the ground unmoving and begging the rocks to cover them from the gaze of one who is at once impossibly infinite and impossibly personal.
And what is this?
More rubbish?
I can't even stay mad at you long enough to say I hate you.
I am running circles and just wish you would end this now.
End all of this because I can't take it.
I know I am in misery and pain because I live here and haven't tried to really live or do much more then shiver in fear and want to lay in bed and die.
That is me.
Wonderful hero of this story, isn't it?
I run circles, scream swear words and just try to be open while realizing my efforts are mostly worthless and with little to no real point.
I create this poor pool of egotistical nihilism and am surprised to have it try and swallow me up.
Nice, isn't it?
So much of my life has been based on lies, or to better phrase it, false perceptions of reality that I embrace because it makes life more bearable. We can't say lie or people may get their feelings hurt. But we can say altered state of mind or a perception of reality which better works with our preconceived notions of morality, political correctness and how wonderful the lack of love is.
I feel this anger, this hate, this frustration, this rage, this hurt, this growing emptiness...how hollow I really am and how uselessly cheap my faith truly is.
And you know what?
Once again I'm falling at your feet...bleeding, crying, scared and with no hope.
Once again I am out of options, out of hope and no longer want to go on.
I don't know how many more breaths I can take but without you they are meaningless.
The best I can do is offer these words I haven't written as fading prayers for tonight, just tonight, once again, once more my Love...
"They won't see the fire you have lit inside of me.
They look up to the stars and wonder where you might be.
They look up
Without realizing they're standing in the palm of your hand.
I can't explain or understand.
I just love you.
It's common knowledge that; you've been dead for a while.
It's well known that the cross is only a burden with pains and trials.
But thinking how come my shoes are so light,
how come I can walk for miles?
And still, just love you?
So I think I'll stay, caught up in silent prayer,
cause I believe in silence.
Our hearts speak the same words.
So why don't we just walk along the shoreline with our silent song?
Cause I believe in silence.
Our hearts speak the same words, the same words.
We have to prove that our love is real, over and over again.
But let them think what they want cause I know It'll never end.
Cause I know when it began.
And my heart still pumps twice as fast whenever you walk by.
Cause I still love you.
So I think I'll stay, caught up in silent prayer,
cause I believe in silence.
Our hearts speak the same words.
So why don't we just walk along the shoreline with our silent song?
Cause I believe in silence.
Our hearts speak the same words, the same words."
-Blindside, "Silence"
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