Tuesday, October 5, 2010
I really do not like the choices I have to make sometimes.
Withdraw.
Perhaps the worst thing is that having to remove myself and not help hurts more than the physical pain ripping through my stomach right now.
If I don't pull back...and stop trying to help everyone with everything...they won't be able to learn...and I am doing nothing but trying to crucify myself in place of Christ.
I'm not a hero.
I am not a savior of anyone.
I am an organic machine bustling with a spirit, full of sin and strife; never knowing when the past is here and what it is I am just supposed to feel.
"Now this is who we are
I'll never know the answers
And I'll always wonder why
But You have let me start again
I'd rather be called weak
Than die thinking I was strong"
Everything...all of this is fading, passing by so quick...I hear a cry in the back of my mind...I just wish the vision of those last few breaths was not something I saw.
What can a sane mind say to that?
Inevitability?
Peace...even when I do not feel it.
Hope...everlasting in this night.
Love...I will never be alone, never again.
Withdraw.
Perhaps the worst thing is that having to remove myself and not help hurts more than the physical pain ripping through my stomach right now.
If I don't pull back...and stop trying to help everyone with everything...they won't be able to learn...and I am doing nothing but trying to crucify myself in place of Christ.
I'm not a hero.
I am not a savior of anyone.
I am an organic machine bustling with a spirit, full of sin and strife; never knowing when the past is here and what it is I am just supposed to feel.
"Now this is who we are
I'll never know the answers
And I'll always wonder why
But You have let me start again
I'd rather be called weak
Than die thinking I was strong"
Everything...all of this is fading, passing by so quick...I hear a cry in the back of my mind...I just wish the vision of those last few breaths was not something I saw.
What can a sane mind say to that?
Inevitability?
Peace...even when I do not feel it.
Hope...everlasting in this night.
Love...I will never be alone, never again.
...so I feel really stupid in saying this...but I forgot how much I enjoy reading the Bible...I mean not just pleasure reading...but for my soul...there is this...this...intimacy that goes beyond the pages, beyond the historical reality to the infinite nature of a holy and powerful God that is holy and loves us enough to not break that reality of himself.
What makes a friend a friend, a friendship a friendship?
I am rather narcissistic, thank you very much.
On a good day I think I manage to recall that the world doesn't just revolve around me but that there are other people who live on this planet as well.
Occasionally I converse with them or at least sit with them at lunch in the cafeteria.
I have archives.
More archives then I ever knew about.
Emails.
Dear God at the sheer number of emails from when I first got my own personal computer back in 2004.
That has only been six years but it seems like an eternity.
What has happened since then?
I grew a couple of inches, lost a gallbladder and lot of stones, no more wisdom teeth, a couple of girlfriends disguised as leeches were burned off from where they had latched onto me, I lost my grandmother, lost the only dog I ever wanted to have as a pet, I got two BA's and almost a masters, started and quit seminary (although to be fair that was only a few months out of all of this)...God so much more.
Three novel manuscripts.
How many friendships?
Just going through Trillain...hundreds of screen names.
I don't even know the numbers I culled from Yahoo and Msn...plus the other half dozen screen names that I don't even remember the passwords from.
I don't even know why I am writing on here.
What does it matter?
So many emails, so many messages...so much of me bleeding my soul dry...for what?
I could be angry.
I could be really bitter about people who seem to just come and go, take what they need and then pop off but I've done the same thing without even meaning to...things are so royally screwed up with my health and state of mind that I honestly have trouble keeping track of the day I am in...much less whatever month or year it is.
Reading my rather cyclical writings...it is like too much sugar and I can feel it rotting my teeth.
I'm okay.
I am more okay now then I have ever been.
I am feeling just a bit more sick then ever before.
Maybe just a little more upset and sensitive to pain.
Could be I am just sick in the body or maybe sick in the mind.
I could say how much I hate you but what is there to be gained?
I could say I love you but wouldn't actions speak louder?
Do you even know if I am talking to you or do you think I may be talking to someone else with the veiled messages?
There is no code.
There is no hidden messages.
I am tired and really should not be trusted for anything that might be considered important.
I am working on a masters with the general label of religion when the only thing I remotely care about anymore is Jesus, drinking tea and excitement that a new Showbread album is coming out soon.
What is it going to matter if this is archived from now until the systems holding the internet up crashes and falls?
Why does it matter if I work hard to secure a future that isn't there?
I really don't know how much to even bother trusting people...everything is eventual, all the collapse, all the decay, the organic death.
Maybe that black space that is exactly three lines down will say something, speak to your soul...three is a strong and important number in Christianity.
Think of the possibilities.
The Trinity, three days, three nails...three whatever.
I am tired.
Worn out, stretched out thin and wishing I could retire.
I actually know the solution.
However I am not as adept as selective apathy as quite a few people I know.
Stupidly I will not put up a wall to keep people out.
They are eventually going to be the death of me because I am going to either run myself so thin or just keep working until I fall over.
But that is fine...maybe I'll just pass out and get a good nap.
That sounds nice at this point actually.
A nap.
So nice.
On a good day I think I manage to recall that the world doesn't just revolve around me but that there are other people who live on this planet as well.
Occasionally I converse with them or at least sit with them at lunch in the cafeteria.
I have archives.
More archives then I ever knew about.
Emails.
Dear God at the sheer number of emails from when I first got my own personal computer back in 2004.
That has only been six years but it seems like an eternity.
What has happened since then?
I grew a couple of inches, lost a gallbladder and lot of stones, no more wisdom teeth, a couple of girlfriends disguised as leeches were burned off from where they had latched onto me, I lost my grandmother, lost the only dog I ever wanted to have as a pet, I got two BA's and almost a masters, started and quit seminary (although to be fair that was only a few months out of all of this)...God so much more.
Three novel manuscripts.
How many friendships?
Just going through Trillain...hundreds of screen names.
I don't even know the numbers I culled from Yahoo and Msn...plus the other half dozen screen names that I don't even remember the passwords from.
I don't even know why I am writing on here.
What does it matter?
So many emails, so many messages...so much of me bleeding my soul dry...for what?
I could be angry.
I could be really bitter about people who seem to just come and go, take what they need and then pop off but I've done the same thing without even meaning to...things are so royally screwed up with my health and state of mind that I honestly have trouble keeping track of the day I am in...much less whatever month or year it is.
Reading my rather cyclical writings...it is like too much sugar and I can feel it rotting my teeth.
I'm okay.
I am more okay now then I have ever been.
I am feeling just a bit more sick then ever before.
Maybe just a little more upset and sensitive to pain.
Could be I am just sick in the body or maybe sick in the mind.
I could say how much I hate you but what is there to be gained?
I could say I love you but wouldn't actions speak louder?
Do you even know if I am talking to you or do you think I may be talking to someone else with the veiled messages?
There is no code.
There is no hidden messages.
I am tired and really should not be trusted for anything that might be considered important.
I am working on a masters with the general label of religion when the only thing I remotely care about anymore is Jesus, drinking tea and excitement that a new Showbread album is coming out soon.
What is it going to matter if this is archived from now until the systems holding the internet up crashes and falls?
Why does it matter if I work hard to secure a future that isn't there?
I really don't know how much to even bother trusting people...everything is eventual, all the collapse, all the decay, the organic death.
Maybe that black space that is exactly three lines down will say something, speak to your soul...three is a strong and important number in Christianity.
Think of the possibilities.
The Trinity, three days, three nails...three whatever.
I am tired.
Worn out, stretched out thin and wishing I could retire.
I actually know the solution.
However I am not as adept as selective apathy as quite a few people I know.
Stupidly I will not put up a wall to keep people out.
They are eventually going to be the death of me because I am going to either run myself so thin or just keep working until I fall over.
But that is fine...maybe I'll just pass out and get a good nap.
That sounds nice at this point actually.
A nap.
So nice.
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