Endlessly Rotating Circles (Poem)

I'm sitting here on the eve of another flight, another day of travel.
I should be sleeping but my brain will not shut off.

I need the profound almost as much as the sacred.
Resolutions resoluting as themselves.
As the profane holds hands with the sacred
and hope blossoms in the gutter,
the blood of saints acting as water.

Time is correcting itself
as it is falling at a minor speed,
leaking across the general mish-mash
passing through
to your mind.

I'm hoping...just hoping
as the music strikes its chord
and the grace
is just making life that much more crowded
that maybe
just maybe
everything may...




This all feels tainted.
I'm waiting...waiting here...
Praying...hoping again...
There the night falls...
I hear the babbles of alien tongues
and the cries of the lost,
those who don't know
or want to understand
Your Love.

I thought I understood love.
I know nothing.
I am dust,
blowing in circles
and falling into the crevices of life.

I wish I could find peace here
but the air lifts me
and bids me come
as I fall here and there
just hoping
and praying
for an ounce of relief.

For Life to break character
and cast off the charade
so it can be said
and maybe even meant,
good night
and fare well,
sleep tight
and hope
just hope for the best.

Life is so utterly ridiculous that I have to just smile right now.
To spite you.
Yes you.
I mean you.
The one next to the other you.
The less ambiguous you...one...person...I mean.

Geez.
Maybe I should just give up and start using more proper nouns.

Heh.
Who am I kidding?
Certainly not myself.
I am not sure that has ever happend.
Of course it has but I like to pretend it hasn't.

Endlessly Rotating Circles

I'm sitting here on the eve of another flight, another day of travel and I should be sleeping but my brain will not shut off.

I feel this need to write something so utterly profound it will cause people to throw millions of dollars at my feet and have women jumping into my arms and also so people will stroke my ego and remind me of how awesome I am...and...and...and...

Okay...I think if I would have to keep writing along that line of thought I would have to punch myself in the throat.

I have a lot on my mind, so much superfluous, so much anxiety, so much stress...for a variety of reasons and things. I'm terrified of what is to come...why is this so? Why do I feel such near crippling anxiety when I think about change...about the future...?

I latch onto things, onto people...in such an unhealthy and STUPID manner that I just wish someone would come up to me and slap the hell out of me. Maybe that would wake me up from my stupid childish dreams and I would start to realize how screwed up life is...and that no one cares enough to have to deal with my little child like tendencies for screwing things up.

I have emotions, I have feelings, I have wants, I have a desire to be held, I want to feel security, I want my heart to stop racing, I want to stop feeling needs, I want my sexuality to disappear and for me to become utterly bland...I want to drop out of all my classes and just start running down the road and maybe I'll find somewhere I can hide from everything and everyone...especially myself.

I'm running from the demons that ate my father and my brother.
Sexuality, drugs, alcohol, addiction, self hatred, depression, fear, dear, self loathing...God, do I even need to go on?

Do you see me?
Do you see this?
What have I become?
What am I becoming?
I'm tearing through this page as though it would somehow save my life...as if SOMEHOW this matters...when it doesn't.

You were supposed to make me happy.
Carry my cross, my shame and my petty little health problems and my want to be god of this age.
Can't you stop so I can fill your ear with moaning problems about girls and how I never got my shot at being a rock star?
Don't you want me to pile on my useless crown of shit that I have been wearing while sitting on this liar's chair?

I hate feeling like an animal.
I hate these impulses.
I hate feeling out of control.
I do not want to feel attraction, I do not want to have emotions...I would rather be dead on the inside then to feel these utterly useless desire to be near people who have no concern or want for me...it's being human...but I am sick of being human...I'm sick of who I am...because it's not enough for others...it's enough for you...for You...for me...for anyone...

It's just me being me being me being me.

I'm not even that upset right now...it's just this...these...are the nicest thoughts running through my mind right now.

If any of you had the gall to actually look through my prayer journal or my letters notebook...you would start to see how dark the night is...and how much of an acting fraud I am.

All of this is paper waiting to be burned...no other purpose to be served except fire...it's a chain of binary code burning into the light, asking for life because it what it is and nothing more and nothing less because it is code...words, symbols...numbers at the barest sense asking to be used to represent abstract thought which in the end, in the end ends up being nothing more than circular thought leading to more pain.










This all feels tainted.
I'm waiting...waiting here...
Praying...hoping again...
There the night falls...
I hear the babbles of alien tongues
and the cries of the lost,
those who don't know
or want to understand
Your Love.

I thought I understood love.
I know nothing.
I am dust,
blowing in circles
and falling into the crevices of life.

I wish I could find peace here
but the air lifts me
and bids me come
as I fall here and there
just hoping
and praying
for an ounce of relief.

For Life to break character
and cast off the charade
so it can be said
and maybe even meant,
good night
and fare well,
sleep tight
and hope
just hope for the best.

Waiting...would be stupid...right?







Yeah...I thought so.

I'm glad for the good...trying to be happy for all...
...but I'm not nice enough just yet...trying hard though.

"my soul is so afraid to realize
how very little bit is left of me"

At what point did the Bible stop getting treated as a historical document?
Dealing with the abuse of criticism and the sheer presumptuous arrogance of some is quite an irritant.

Quote of the Day, The Second Part:

“Writing is easy. You only need to stare at a piece of blank paper until your forehead bleeds”
-Douglas Adams

*sigh*

I am an idiot.

...trying to be positive...

A Pause for Breath

Is it March?
Really?
When did that happen?

I am having trouble with wrapping my mind around the fact that I am already over halfway done with this first semester back working on my masters. Much less the fact it is in Mobile and at the University of Mobile.

Throw in the fact I'm currently typing away at my friend's kitchen table in Chicago after another great night of gaming and I'm not sure what to think.

The past year has been a blur of attempting to find resolutions and answers popping up from the most unexpected places. For every negative, every pain I have been through...there has been this unexpected beauty and sweetness on the other side. For one who talks (too much) about the wonders of the divine...I tend to be one much too quick to pass judgment and be negative...but oh how I have been blessed...in such unexpected and wonderful ways.

I'm baffled that I have met so many new people in such a short time and have grown closer to a handful of people who are more dear to me than life itself. To be honest...I'm shocked life is turning out so wonderful...so much more than I could have asked for or wanted.

Even with the daily struggles with pain and health...the good outweighs the bad. If it something I have to deal with, so be it. At least I have better health than what it could be. I hate how so many words of complain pass through my lips...sure I am human but still...

And the possibilities offered at Wheaton.
Goodness.
The fact they have had graduates from their Masters program actually go off to Oxford, Cambridge and Duke.
I know it's such a far shot...but what I would give for a chance to actually study abroad and actually attempt to make an impact in lands I have never seen before.

Is it pride?
False humility?
Just the key to my disorders?

I feel compelled...the need to serve and show love.
My life hasn't always been about living the love of Christ...but it is the only thing I sincerely want. I am horrible at personal relationships and coping with pain...but at least I just want this somewhat useless life useful and a chance for others to see how unique and beloved they are.

It's a leap...it's a bound outside the realm of logic that not everyone can handle...but love itself is a paradox that should have never existed...

But here we are...we didn't ask for this but we have the responsibility to live it out while we are here.
I didn't ask for it...for any of this but the beauty overwhelms the horror offered by life...in every way.

Far from being ideal...the pain is more beautiful than any cheap concoction of good I could have created on my own. I want to live through the pain...live and see what is to come...see the beauty and smile because this is only a beginning.

Quote of the Day:

"Wretchedness provokes despair.
Pride provokes presumption.
The Incarnation shows man the greatness of his wretchedness through the greatness of the remedy which was required."
-Blaise Pascal

It was so stupid of me to even bother trying that.
Ack.
When will I learn?