Quote of the Day:

"We can admire and worship Jesus without doing what he did. We can applaud what he preached and stood for without caring about the same things. We can adore his cross without taking up ours. I had come to see that the great tragedy in the church is not that rich Christians do not care about the poor but that rich Christians do not know the poor."
-Shane Claiborne

So tired.
Confused.
Achey.

Thoughts aren't so clear right now.
Too tired to deal with..."things".

Oief.
Bad food...mixing with spiritual angst...bad...bad...combination...

#_#

Why was I so stupid and gullible to trust her in the first place?
I don't need a reminder of a few days, a few weeks, a few months...what I was thinking and doing an exact year ago...

Chasing after fantasies and mist...running after a rainbow that was never there...not even finding gold...but just realizing how naive, how trusting and how STUPID I am.

That sort of brings all those thoughts nicely together.
I let myself get used by emotional and mental leeches.
When I should just carry around a box of matches and when one of them touches me I could set fire to them.

Possibly, the hint may be taken.
Although I doubt the intelligence runs that high.

You know...if I write a "what if" story about what never happened and well, let's face it, what will NEVER happen...it would at least get some of these thoughts out and I'll have written a piece in a genre I've never tried before.

"Annoying, stupid, whining, crying and etc. useless crap that should be burned instead of read."

Or you know...that is just the placeholder until I find a more acronym friendly title.

God, I need to write.
I need to get these thoughts out.
Writing feels like one the last avenues I have.
I can do that decently and sometimes do something good.
Maybe even something that is right.

"Three strands of wire,
Threefold the tie that binds.
She is the one thing on the earth for which he still pines.
To his heart she was life,
So he prays to his Maker with a sigh,
As his fire sputters out,
Because robots never cry."


" Gloria, in excelces deo.
Glory, gloria.

Too weak to wonder,
too tired to care,
Jesus Christ, are you really there?
I've fallen down,
Can't pull myself back up.
I'm going to drown, have mercy,
Have mercy.

I need you now,
Not words or a feeling.
But Jesus Christ,
I've hit the ceiling.

Your love,
Your mercy,
Your light unending.
Your hope,
Your peace,
Your strength my heart is mending."

Alter of the Soul

Well...I think I manged to slam that door on my own face.
Do I at least get some sort of bonus points for trying to be a team player and sacrificing stupid thoughts that never should have been there in the first place?

All these circles.
Endless cycles.
Life is brief.
Painful and beautiful at times.

Sometimes I wonder if the answer it to become more stoic, more denial...or just give up and start wandering around.

I wonder how/if any good I am able to be with and to others...

The hour is late and too many thoughts...too many what if's...too may regrets about wasted time...and the need to go beyond mere feelings of sentiment...to casting everything in with Jesus and just letting go of everything.



If I put my health, my loneliness, my desire for a mate, my fears, my failings, all of my relationships...all of these broken and painful things...if I set them on this alter like you want me to...will you be here to step into the void I will have?

If I finally begin to trust, ask me to do all in Scripture...will that mean I might feel your peace...your strength, your grace and glory?

So often I am not sure I can see myself...but I know You are here...please, please, please do not leave my side.