Slight Redundancy May Apply

I don't know if that is naive innocence or just the disturbed attempts of someone so screwed up in the head trying to mess with me.

Either way it is starting to annoy me to no end.

However, however...I smile.
I choose to smile in the face of insanity, in the face of this world decaying and falling apart.

I have ever reason to despair.
To lay down.
To cry.
To just give up and die.

Yet I choose to smile.
In this darkness I smile.
I refuse to lay down.
I refuse to fade, loose my shape and become a Shade.

Who is this?
What is that noise?
Whose voice is this?

I almost feel obligated to lie,
speak sweet nothings
whisper them
across this vast electronic ocean
but I have lost my place,
lost my voice.

I do not know why I write
or who even reads.

I always had a target,
that One
but I am finding,
refining
and trying to see why
and how
with all of this
shred of life I live.

Does it make sense?
Do the thoughts flow
and does the hope escape
like breath
on a cold night
forming vivid mist
as it dissipates?

I can give so many stories,
so many ways
and so many times I smiled
during this semester.

So many smiles,
so much pain
and a limp across time and space.

I can whisper names
of those
occupying the past
my present
and maybe a future
that may or may never be.

All subjective,
such pain
whispering
and just longing
to break out
and run free,
to never look back
but feel the sun
and fresh breezes
once and for all again.

Everything has it's appointed time and place, just I wish I could better understand the how's and why's because of how tired I am. Too tired for games, too tired to keep up with all these kids running around these days.

I want a cup of tea and a soft pillow.
I want a good book and a heating pad for my back.
A walking stick to lean upon and a gentle breeze on my face.
Somehow I dramatically aged, so fast.
But I am still just me.
The kid looking into eternity with hope.
Refusing to back down.
Now is the moment.

Even if I live an eternity with nothing but hearing no and failures.
I will smile.
I will smile and still continue.

Not out of spite.
Not out of a desire of pain.
But a hope that I can find the ones I can trust.
Build that hope and support.
It's worth the fight and pain.
So few things are.
But that certainly is.