I just finished the main campaign in Fallout 3. It took my a couple of years because of how lazy I am with playing games but I finally reached the end.
I always treat RPG's like I myself were the character and so all the major decision I make revolve around helping people, saving kittens in trees, defusing nuclear warheads instead of detonating them for profit and the like.
So I am all for biting the metaphorical bullet and shouldering the responsibility of all of humanity in game like I try to do in real life...but then tonight I just sort of had a "wtf?!?" moment at the end of the game. The main character is asked to sacrifice his life to restore hope and clean water to the wastelands and...I just sat there and said to the computer monitor, "Really? Really! I have to save everyone because they are too lazy or selfish to actually get off their collective butts and do something for once?"
It is quite possible that I am merely projecting all of my current frustrations, fear and confusion onto the poor game...but I just realized how I keep putting myself into this 'savior' role I was never meant to fill.
Sometimes I wish someone would just walk up to me and say "It's okay Matthew, sit this one out." and then they will take me by the hand and shoulder and lead me to a place to sit down because I normally will not stop until I have almost self destructed from trying to do everything by myself.
I don't know why I do this to myself...or why I feel guilty for just sitting in a room very quietly and trying to relax but I do. I don't respond very well to over stimulation and that is all that is going on.
I seriously just need to be able to relax...but I can't.
I feel obligated to do everything.
Fix everyone.
If I am not busy I am worried and if I am not worried I am worried about not being worried...and so on and so forth.
But I am eating a blueberry poptart.
I don't want to deal with life.
Or feeling like I am not wanted or needed.
Or the nagging feeling I am just a temporary fix.
Poptarts are nice.
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