I am...I just...that is just it. I am.

I want to run and hide for every reason but the real reason which is my compulsion to stay.

God I HATE Nightmares

I hate nightmares...what details I remember:

-The initial setup was similar to my first church Providence except there was a huge sewer system around.-One of the older ladies, one I held dearest wasnted to die.
-After she euthanized herself all Hell broke loose. It become some sort of cross between Lord of the Flies with a dark, Matrix Online feel.
-The set up of the area became like Mobile's campus and I was in the equivalent of Ingram/Machine hiding but for some stupid reason I went to Zion/Samford. A fight broke out there and people were cannibalizing one another. I took a few bites myself but I think I escaped.
-The last part with the matrix ovetones...we were all clones. Being bitten and loosing flesh I didn't bleed, it was this sappy stuff. Some kind of clone internment camp. All the guard where of a cloned character theme from the matrix.
-Before all Hell broke loose there were some crepy stuff in the sewer, people disappearing, lot's of unexplored rooms and some kind of thing or person who was killing people.
-My mom was there in the beginning, for some reason I told her she was beautiful, there was a picture of her from her senior year in high school. I said she was still beautiful, maybe not exactly the same eye stopper now but beautiful all the same. I'm fairly sure she was one of the first people to die when all Hell began breaking loose and there was nothing I can do.

I don't believe I can or want to remember anymore but my throat and mouth are on fire, I have no drink but I'm terrified of going to get one since it is sill dark.

God, what are you letting happen to me?

God I can't stand much more of this.

I hate myself so much and want to throw up...I want to just be rid of so much of me.

Is there no peace? No simple salvation from the pain?

It is such an odd jest of faith, that the most important thing in my life is that which I run from and cannot tell others.

You simply offer yourself and in fear I hurt you and hurt myself.

I run like a coward and hide behind this stupid covers and hope you leave me...but you never do.

I want to find myself so I can die, I want to die so I can maybe live and I want to live so I can try to believe in Your love.

Things are so...I do not know.

It is hard for me to pretend I have any sort of grasp on anything. I'm in pain physically I still want to pray for death, want to indulge my weakness and lay here and hope my life leaves quickly.

The tears turn red from the blood and all I know is I love you. I hate me but I love you. I love me and try to love you but all I end up doing hurting you worse. This stark tension could be cut with a knife but I enjoy being separated so much. The sick and broken part of me loves the attention you shower on me, seeing you beg and plead for my affection to be returned. I enjoy seeing people fawn over my sickness and am afraid if I ever get healthy than I will be alone. Worse yet I will have to make life changing decisions and risk absolute failure, all for what?

All for what? Life and its own sake.