So many thoughts.
So many irrelevant.
I am tired too.

Positive thinking really isn't too far off though...

Dreams?
What are those?

At some point...there was this...
It was like...
Where are my words?
What did it look like?
How can I begin to paint it for you?

"Where there is no vision , the people perish; but he who keeps the law-blessed is he."
-Proverbs 28:18

I'm sure at some point it was different...
Sure, I will never be accused of being the poster child for optimism...but for some reason and someway it just seems that things...

There is every reason not to do the right thing.
In the world there is every excuse, every means and carte blanche excuse for every and anything under the sun that can lead to over saturation and addiction...


Do any of us really see our blindsides?
See our blatant hypocrisies?
Those sins we harbor and encourage, growing to our own perverse delight?

Is despair itself a sin?
Or is it one only after it becomes a sacred idol, a defining way of life?

I have to work all of this out...it's not just a school problem or an existential crisis...but it is finding myself, finding my work again...finding why I bother at all.

Waking up, breathing, taking care of myself just to do it...just because is not enough. I have to struggle to find some sort of vague echo of life, of health and peace.

I am much too tired to be self sacrificing and to pretend I care about everyone and everything right now...

Is it okay to be honest, even when it leads to pain?
Leads to looking at this slow downward spiral and see it for what it truly is?

I go from feeling nothing, to everything and back to feeling nothing at all...just vague pieces of dust blowing around in this cosmic wind...

I know there are good things, wonderful and beautiful...but I don't know if I was made for them...really made for this world...nothing ever makes sense...and it feels as if my body is continually trying to reject it...reject me...reject everything around here...

Small and stupid words and wonders of these worlds...

Plastic smiles are expected all the same.
Answers or not, truth or fiction...simply being...

Fading away, is it okay?
Is it really the truth?
I just...

Must I choose between everything and nothing?
My normality is so different from everyone else...all these large and impossible things...floating, spinning...growing, crashing, colliding...shaping, reshaping, form and defining themselves in such vivid means...

I just...

Too weary for battle or digging deeper.
I can breath, I can drink tea and I am alive.
I am so grateful for that right now.