Psalm 98

"The Lord has announced his victory
and has revealed his righteousness to every nation!
He has remembered his promise to love and be faithful to Israel.
The ends of the earth have seen the victory of our God."
-Psalm 98:2-3


I am unsure of what to pray and how to say all the things in my heart and mind...the hope, the anticipation, the excitement of a new year...of seeing my beloved...of seeing friends...but so much dread about what to do, money, those I have hurt and caused pain to...I just wish I could solve everything...but You don't even do that for a reason.

You have won...if there was every any doubt, you have the victory for all of time. The pain, the struggle, the pain...even the sin infecting this world is temporary...it is real and the struggle matters, the pain we endure and suffer matters...but there is only so long you will let this go on...right?


Please remember the promises you made to me, of saving me and redeeming me from the trash heap of spiritual trash I lived in. Please remember and give me strength during the day to show love and lead as I might...help me to come to you in prayer and sincere want to be new.


You loved me before you created me,
before this temporal world was
You were and hand crafted every atom
of the person I was to be.

You saw me, you loved me
even knowing the pain I would cause
the sin I would grow
and the shame I would dwell in.

Instead of leaving me in the mud,
the mire and swamp of sin
and rotting souls
You called my name
and pulled me up,
lift me out of this
so I may never know such separation again.

Apples to Supernovas.
What more can I say?

Covered in Darkness

I'm laying here listening to music, letting the sound of piano try and lull me to a state of mind where maybe I can sleep...there is nothing but the light of this laptop and the darkness which swirls in and out of being as I shift and move.

Distance.
I hate that word so much.
Yet it is reality.

Nothing here on earth lasts.
Yet, I feel this insatiable pull towards you...to go against my logic, my fears of how everything will end and create something that in one manner or another will inevitably be crushed by this world.

The best case scenario is years of happiness with a quick death to serve as separation...but even as I write that I realize how flimsy an excuse that is...what is death? What is life?

Passing seconds between here and eternity...if it is possible to love someone in this imperfect world, how much more so will it be possible when everything is made new?

Maybe I am a fool, that really wouldn't be a huge surprise to anyone really...but I have hope.

Growing hope.

Even with being so incredibly sick, feeling so many doubts...feeling so alone at this very second...I still have hope that refuses to die or be silent no matter how I try to shut it up.

Fear of hope...only a person as silly as me would have a fear of hope.

I also feel guilty for feeling happy...how screwed up is that?
Yes people are suffering in this world and I am afraid I will only make more people hurt...but...maybe I just can't let that control my impulses and thoughts completely...maybe...I honestly am not sure.

So much is uncertain.
What is known is I miss my beloved...the miles are so long and time is so slow as my soul waits and sighs as it aches.

Never thought it could be so good, so much better and wonderful than the many stories...hope, hope, hope.

"I'm a fool for you...no more, no less"