So far from home...

I just don't know what is real...I am not sure.
I thought I knew.
I want to cry...and let out the years of not knowing...but I have peace right now.

I dreamed.
I still dream.
Such beautiful dreams of hope.
But they aren't allowed to be mine...

I do not know.
I want to have peace with not knowing, with being confused and in the pain.
I want to bless your name for the good and the bad.
I want to be able to thank you for letting me live at all.
It is so hard, so very hard.

But you are still good.
Even when things do not make sense.
Even when I feel such bitterness and betrayal.

I feel.
I see.
Both more than any of you might still believe.
But nothing can be forced or made to happen.

I am so tired.
So very alone.
So empty right now.

Messiah born in Bethlehem, you knew what it was like to be in a group of people but still be alone. You know what it is like to cry, to mourn over what feels like the death of hope...of everything I thought I knew.

You see me laying here, you see me in pain.
I guess it was stupid to think things would work with her...and that I finally was working my way on a path to some sort of semblance of a life that makes sense.
I trusted...and forced my heart open and just...don't understand what I did wrong...where I went wrong and how I sinned...what I did...

Why does it always end up with me being alone like this?
I know I am not alone...but...I'm here now in pain.
Trying not to throw up, trying to stay focused but God...I am in so much pain.
My body and soul both ache and have no relief.
What can I say?
What can I do?

Does it even matter?
Does it even matter if it does matter?

I just...do...not...know.
I cannot keep living like this.
I cannot keep loosing everyone I grow attached to.
I feel so jaded and broken...that I just don't even want to try anymore.
I don't know what else I can say...type...or pray...
I am just tired.
So tired.
So alone.
So far from home.
So very alone.