Psalm 15

"Who may worship in your sanctuary, Lord?
Who may enter your presence on your holy hill?
Those who lead blameless lives and do what is right,
speaking the truth from sincere hearts.
Those who refuse to gossip
or harm their neighbors
or speak evil of their friends.
Those who despise flagrant sinners,
and honor the faithful followers of the Lord,
and keep their promises even when it hurts.
Those who lend money without charging interest,
and who cannot be bribed to lie about the innocent.
Such people will stand firm forever."
-Psalm 15:1-5

Bleary eyed, I'm looking across this room...this life and things keep flittering in and out of focus.

Why?
How?
When?

It feels as though I can look in any and every direction...and feel such uncertainty.

How did I get here?
The floating?
Was it flying?
Falling down holes and slipping until I made the length of life?

So much of me wants to find a place to run and hide to.
Wouldn't that be so wonderful?
Give in and just find somewhere to escape?
Or have I been running?
How long?
Where am I?

** ** ** **

"i forget the me that i must have been before the me that i am now
i remember a year that i got through, but i don't remember how

there's something like a nothingness that's terribly illusive
the more i want to shut me down the more i am abusive
and when i watch the slideshow of the bits of me I'm dragging
i don't recognize the photographs, I'm not sure when (and if) they happened

the devil lives in the crossing place between two mountains in the desert
for 40 days he promised me his kingdom for forever
but I'm not sure I'm fit to run a kingdom of any kind
every time i know myself, i leave what i know behind"

** ** ** **

There is this sacredness, this Heart, the Love, the insanity of Jesus' Love for his Bride...this impossible, this fear, this beauty, the wonder, the awesomeness, the overwhelming grace...

You have sought after, found and chased me...refusing to give up and let me be lost.

Saying thank you feels like such empty and trite words.

There is passion, love and so many things...but who am I?

You can look and see who I am.

Who I am not.

Who I will never be.

And find love.
Grace enough for me.
Things hurt.
They are scary.
There is hope.
Even in the pain and fear of uncertainty.

Despite the fear and pain, I know things do matter.
Can You help me continue to slowly change, clean and be made new?
I don't want pretension and fear to guide me...but grace.
Thanks...for so much, so long, so much grace.