"But for Grace, my soul had perished,
Withered as the desert sand;
Gone to shadows, and tormented,
But for Grace's perfect plan!
But for God's unceasing Mercy,
But for Calvary 's sacrifice;
I had wandered, blind and thirsting,
Fell to Satan's grim device.
But the blessed blood of Jesus,
Shed upon that cruel tree;
Called me from the ling'ring shadows,
Saved my soul, and rescued me!
But for Grace, O Grace perfected,
But for love's undying flame;
I had never hoped in Jesus,
Ne'er had even known His name!"

The Problem of Me

Myself.
That is what my chief problem feels like.

"Do this..."
"Don't do this..."
"Go here..."
"Go there..."

All these voices, all these commands...so much of it is just in my head and all I want to do is be faithful to You. I don't care about being successful, I don't care about finding people, what people think of me...I could learn to live with being rejected and hated if I could just find...the next step.

Wherever.
However.
No matter what it looks like, no matter the cost...I don't care how much it hurts, I don't care if I have to set all of this on fire...just please...show me the way.

I feel lost.
My faith is so paradoxically stronger when I feel weakest and that I am only a breath from death's door...I'm sick of being in constant pain and doubt.

I have see You.
I have felt the intense beauty of communion in my soul...You have redeemed me, picked me up, carry me...brought me this far.

How do I be faithful when I do not know if I can hold on any longer?
It feels like...I've been here for ages.
Just waiting.
Aching.


"The Lord rules over the floodwaters.
The Lord reigns as king forever.
The Lord gives his people strength.
The Lord blesses them with peace."
-Psalm 29:10-11

Where is this strength?
Where is this peace?
You feel so far away...and God it hurts so much.
Do you ever feel the ache of having me so far apart?
You bleed and died on a cross but did you feel the ache of our distance before grace came upon me?

You feel so distant that I am afraid I might die of fright.
The cold is frigid and burns my soul, ripping apart my false notions of hope.

Just give me the strength for today.
Help me see the beauty around me, falling in the rain from the sky.
Help me to see the love of family where bonds flow deeper than blood and souls intertwine in ways only You understand.
Give me the strength to crawl forward and live this grace.
I don't want this world.
I do not need it.
Strip everything away and just leave me Your love that will never cease.
Send me into the night.
Anywhere.
Anytime.
Please.
Use me again.

"And these frail hands
They tremble as they pen perhaps their last
And these weak words
Can never say what cannot be surpassed
I need Your love
And most of all I want to feel Your peace
I need Your love
Let everything that You are not decrease

Your love
Your mercy
Your light unending
Your hope
Your peace
Your strength my heart is mending
Daylight
Save me"