"You want explanations
I don't even understand
If you need someone to blame
Throw a rock in the air
You're bound to hit someone guilty"
Thursday, September 24, 2009
Boom
So...I should make a goal...right?
How about...if I don't get out of this house by January I'm going to pack my backpack, drive as far as my car will take me and then get out and start walking.
If I stay here much longer I feel like I'm going to have a blood clot form in my brain and explode from how...upsetting it is...feeling like I'm being treated like I am a child.
I'm overreacting...I'm feeling this surge or absolute rage because of how passive I am...when I am around certain people I shut down.
It's like having a key turned and I feel like I'm just a child again...lost, confused, just like the Sunday morning when I found out my dad died. A cheerfully bright sun and the feeling of my stomach having left my body.
I don't want pity, I don't want charity, I don't even know what I want except to be able to find a means to gather enough money to get out of this house and going where I think Jesus is saying to go.
I'm so freaking sick of people who pretend to understand how I feel as long as it is convenient for them. I want to scream at them and tell them I don't enjoy being sick, I hate being in pain and feeling like my insides are on fire, that if I eat ANYTHING I will become violently ill and not able to crawl to the bathroom much less walk down a flight of stupid stairs to go and get some stupid job so I can be 'successful' or whatever that is supposed to be.
Anger like this isn't healthy.
It comes from years of repressed emotions, feelings and the desire to tell people where they can go and burn.
I'm shaking from being upset, I want to cry, I want to throw this computer across this room, I want to punch a wall, I want to do stupid things so I can express the fact that YES I am upset.
But...I believe the verse is..."for the anger of man does not achieve the righteousness of God." James 1:20.
And taking revenge, yelling, acting like the stupid kid I am won't fix anything.
Actually voicing my opinions, my thoughts like a rational adult...that might fix something.
But God...I'm just so sick of people who do not understand...the people I want so desperately to understand either don't or they can't...for whatever reason...and I can't handle the constant pain.
I need prayer, please.
I need to feel Love...I need to be reminded it'll be okay...even though I feel like I'm stepping off into a bottomless pit...I know it'll be okay.
I don't believe in you, your meaningless crap about people being mere resources for my advantage. I refuse to believe your garbage you spew about the material. I would rather die in hunger and poverty being obedient then living with myself about being too much of a coward to sacrifice to do what I am told.
I can breath and I will.
This is not the end...I'm still upset but I'm feeling the worst of the anger bleed away.
I despise this part of me...that is so much of a coward that it would rather scream then try and talk...and rationalize...but I'm not giving up.
I do not care how bad it gets, I refuse to give up.
I will never give up.
How about...if I don't get out of this house by January I'm going to pack my backpack, drive as far as my car will take me and then get out and start walking.
If I stay here much longer I feel like I'm going to have a blood clot form in my brain and explode from how...upsetting it is...feeling like I'm being treated like I am a child.
I'm overreacting...I'm feeling this surge or absolute rage because of how passive I am...when I am around certain people I shut down.
It's like having a key turned and I feel like I'm just a child again...lost, confused, just like the Sunday morning when I found out my dad died. A cheerfully bright sun and the feeling of my stomach having left my body.
I don't want pity, I don't want charity, I don't even know what I want except to be able to find a means to gather enough money to get out of this house and going where I think Jesus is saying to go.
I'm so freaking sick of people who pretend to understand how I feel as long as it is convenient for them. I want to scream at them and tell them I don't enjoy being sick, I hate being in pain and feeling like my insides are on fire, that if I eat ANYTHING I will become violently ill and not able to crawl to the bathroom much less walk down a flight of stupid stairs to go and get some stupid job so I can be 'successful' or whatever that is supposed to be.
Anger like this isn't healthy.
It comes from years of repressed emotions, feelings and the desire to tell people where they can go and burn.
I'm shaking from being upset, I want to cry, I want to throw this computer across this room, I want to punch a wall, I want to do stupid things so I can express the fact that YES I am upset.
But...I believe the verse is..."for the anger of man does not achieve the righteousness of God." James 1:20.
And taking revenge, yelling, acting like the stupid kid I am won't fix anything.
Actually voicing my opinions, my thoughts like a rational adult...that might fix something.
But God...I'm just so sick of people who do not understand...the people I want so desperately to understand either don't or they can't...for whatever reason...and I can't handle the constant pain.
I need prayer, please.
I need to feel Love...I need to be reminded it'll be okay...even though I feel like I'm stepping off into a bottomless pit...I know it'll be okay.
I don't believe in you, your meaningless crap about people being mere resources for my advantage. I refuse to believe your garbage you spew about the material. I would rather die in hunger and poverty being obedient then living with myself about being too much of a coward to sacrifice to do what I am told.
I can breath and I will.
This is not the end...I'm still upset but I'm feeling the worst of the anger bleed away.
I despise this part of me...that is so much of a coward that it would rather scream then try and talk...and rationalize...but I'm not giving up.
I do not care how bad it gets, I refuse to give up.
I will never give up.
Psalm 103:6-18
The LORD performs righteous deeds
And judgments for all who are oppressed.
He made known His ways to Moses,
His acts to the sons of Israel.
The LORD is compassionate and gracious,
Slow to anger and abounding in lovingkindness.
He will not always strive with us,
Nor will He keep His anger forever.
He has not dealt with us according to our sins,
Nor rewarded us according to our iniquities.
For as high as the heavens are above the earth,
So great is His lovingkindness toward those who fear Him.
As far as the east is from the west,
So far has He removed our transgressions from us.
Just as a father has compassion on his children,
So the LORD has compassion on those who fear Him.
For He Himself knows our frame;
He is mindful that we are but dust.
As for man, his days are like grass;
As a flower of the field, so he flourishes.
When the wind has passed over it, it is no more,
And its place acknowledges it no longer.
But the lovingkindness of the LORD is from everlasting to everlasting on those who fear Him,
And His righteousness to children's children,
to those who keep His covenant
And remember His precepts to do them.
And judgments for all who are oppressed.
He made known His ways to Moses,
His acts to the sons of Israel.
The LORD is compassionate and gracious,
Slow to anger and abounding in lovingkindness.
He will not always strive with us,
Nor will He keep His anger forever.
He has not dealt with us according to our sins,
Nor rewarded us according to our iniquities.
For as high as the heavens are above the earth,
So great is His lovingkindness toward those who fear Him.
As far as the east is from the west,
So far has He removed our transgressions from us.
Just as a father has compassion on his children,
So the LORD has compassion on those who fear Him.
For He Himself knows our frame;
He is mindful that we are but dust.
As for man, his days are like grass;
As a flower of the field, so he flourishes.
When the wind has passed over it, it is no more,
And its place acknowledges it no longer.
But the lovingkindness of the LORD is from everlasting to everlasting on those who fear Him,
And His righteousness to children's children,
to those who keep His covenant
And remember His precepts to do them.
"Consume Me" - dc Talk
"You consume me, You consume me
Like a burning flame running through my veins
You consume me moving through me
Anytime, anyplace You invade my space
You consume me, You consume me"
Lyric Question
Does anyone know what song the line "I used to hold you in a photograph" is used in?
Email me if you know...
Took me two and a half hours but the crisis is adverted...turns out it's in the song "Do You Believe in Love" by Huey Lewis and the News.
The actual music video from the 80's has eye blistering pastels...view at your own discretion.
Email me if you know...
Took me two and a half hours but the crisis is adverted...turns out it's in the song "Do You Believe in Love" by Huey Lewis and the News.
The actual music video from the 80's has eye blistering pastels...view at your own discretion.
Ramblings: Jesus, Love and Such
I'm not sure right now.
Are you?
I want to feel the cool breeze on my face again as I look to the future and walk forward.
But...to do so would loose track of the present...I have to make preparations but it's so hard to do anything when it feels like moving at all will cause me to explode in pain and sickness.
Plan of action...I started working on that...I guess I'm afraid of being trapped here for long. I don't feel free...I feel like I'm tied down to my illness which is preventing me from attempting to go where I'm being called.
But...getting ahead of myself will not help at all.
Just trying not to throw up is enough right now...listening to ELO and smiling is a titanic effort. But it's not as hard as it could be.
I feel loved, I know I'm loved.
Just seeing friends and...even family...well technically my friends are family (at least by how I judge those standards) and even though we all have our problems...we have a Father in common that loves us...and it helps so very much.
It's sort of like how the old hymn says "Because He lives I can face tomorrow."
I'm having a lot more thoughts about love...and what it means to be loved by the Father these days...just what it means for grace to change and for the love of God...
I think it's safe to assume we're all made for a purpose...not necessarily to do just one thing but we have certain things we are more apt than others...it seems funny to think of ministry in this capacity. It's not like I ever just sat down and thought 'Hey I want to do ministry, know a lot about the Bible or to care so much it hurts.' it was just a part of who I am...what I was drawn to and part of who I am.
I mean, I do make conscious decisions about praying, studying the Bible and trying to be open and sharing with people...but at the same time this isn't something I have to try all that hard to do...what people believe and think is something I naturally care a lot about...and I hate seeing pain and why Jesus came.
To help the sick and broken, to not just fix the physical pain but the mental and spiritual anguish of us being divorced from God by the schism of our betrayals.
We're so all so helplessly involved in this idea of love and the need for attention because of the deeper longings in our heart...well to quote my ever over quoted philosophical and theological guru C.S. Lewis:
"If I find in myself a desire which no experience in this world can satisfy, the most probable explanation is that I was made for another world."
You know...I'm reminded of where Jesus was asked about marriage in Matthew. The religious leaders came up with this hypothetical conundrum they thought would catch Jesus in a bad place theological speaking so they could go "Ah! Aha!" and instead Jesus proceeded to liquefy their minds:
"Jesus answered, "You're off base on two counts: You don't know your Bibles, and you don't know how God works. At the resurrection we're beyond marriage. As with the angels, all our ecstasies and intimacies then will be with God. And regarding your speculation on whether the dead are raised or not, don't you read your Bibles? The grammar is clear: God says, 'I am—not was—the God of Abraham, the God of Isaac, the God of Jacob.' The living God defines himself not as the God of dead men, but of the living." Hearing this exchange the crowd was much impressed."
-Matthew
Okay.
The idea of marriage is a union, a joining together of two as one. You have two beings become one in mind, spirit, body and all of that. Often times the Bible uses marriage language to describe the relationship between God and His people...both the Jews in the Old Testament and Christians in the New Testament.
In fact, Testament is another word for covenant which in turn is often time was used in the context of 'marriage covenant' in the Bible. Becoming a Christian, a follower of God is like becoming married...you enter a partnership, this idea of the Holy Spirit indwelling in you and you becoming more like God...changing because of love changing you.
Some great reading on this idea is the minor prophet of Hosea in the Old Testament (the book of Hosea) and in the New Testament in Revelation 21 (where the church is referred to being the 'bride' of the Lamb (Jesus)).
Something that dawned on me though...this whole idea of human love will pass away. The concepts we hold...the connections we build are imperfect and just are reflections of the divine. Sort of how Rob Bell talks about how a marriage can either be a reflection of Hell or Heaven...because we're created in the image of God and how we interact can bring pieces of Heaven of Hell to a person.
The passage of 1 Corinthians 13 is sometimes referred to as being the 'love chapter' because it goes on about love and the majority of its modern use is found in marriage ceremonies...and yeah that is nice and all but I think it does more than just talk about how people should treat each other.
"Love never fails; but if there are gifts of prophecy, they will be done away; if there are tongues, they will cease; if there is knowledge, it will be done away. For we know in part and we prophesy in part; but when the perfect comes, the partial will be done away.
When I was a child, I used to speak like a child, think like a child, reason like a child; when I became a man, I did away with childish things. For now we see in a mirror dimly, but then face to face; now I know in part, but then I will know fully just as I also have been fully known."
-1 Corinthians 13: 8-12
I think the two most important parts are "For we know in part and we prophesy in part; but when the perfect comes, the partial will be done away." and "For now we see in a mirror dimly, but then face to face; now I know in part, but then I will know fully just as I also have been fully known."
Human love is inherently imperfect because we cannot love fully or unconditionally, or capacity for love comes only because of us being made in the image of God and despite our fallen natures that goodness burns bright and can shine through. One might find a metaphor of how the human love we experience is a bit like trying to stumble around in a dark room trying to find a light switch...we can feel things, get an idea about what is going on by the sharp pain in our shins...but it's not until the darkness is peeled away totally are we allowed to see the truth beyond truth.
The world is spiraling out of control...I don't mean stupid short term political thins like Democrats against the Republicans...but I mean, and to quote Roland here, people forgetting the face of their Father, their Father that spoke them into being.
I have never felt it was my job to point the finger, to judge or to declare how unholy people were...because the only reason I'm different is because of Jesus
loving idiots. It's almost like a backhanded compliment...Jesus loves you but you are so filthy and dirty that it takes God Himself to start cleaning you up...but my God! When you are clean you are clean, forgiven, washed cleaned and made a new person.
This all feels melodramatic...and to those on the outside looking in it might be...but then again love oftentimes seems foolish to those that are not a part of that relationship.
"I’m not one who always trusts their feelings
I don’t believe in what you’d call blind faith
But faith that you can do all that you promised
And you said it all works for good
It’s safe to say I don’t see the big picture
I can’t see the forest for the trees
And if five hundred lives
Were mine to get to know
You all could be spent on just this
God do you really understand what it’s like to be a man
Have You ever felt the weight of loving all the things you Hate
Have You struggled have you worried
How can You sympathize
I have spoken too soon put my hand over my mouth
I can’t contend with You
Your ways are so much higher
And we pass through the fire that Christ endured before us
When You were in the wilderness"
- The OC Supertones, "Wilderness"
Are you?
I want to feel the cool breeze on my face again as I look to the future and walk forward.
But...to do so would loose track of the present...I have to make preparations but it's so hard to do anything when it feels like moving at all will cause me to explode in pain and sickness.
Plan of action...I started working on that...I guess I'm afraid of being trapped here for long. I don't feel free...I feel like I'm tied down to my illness which is preventing me from attempting to go where I'm being called.
But...getting ahead of myself will not help at all.
Just trying not to throw up is enough right now...listening to ELO and smiling is a titanic effort. But it's not as hard as it could be.
I feel loved, I know I'm loved.
Just seeing friends and...even family...well technically my friends are family (at least by how I judge those standards) and even though we all have our problems...we have a Father in common that loves us...and it helps so very much.
It's sort of like how the old hymn says "Because He lives I can face tomorrow."
I'm having a lot more thoughts about love...and what it means to be loved by the Father these days...just what it means for grace to change and for the love of God...
I think it's safe to assume we're all made for a purpose...not necessarily to do just one thing but we have certain things we are more apt than others...it seems funny to think of ministry in this capacity. It's not like I ever just sat down and thought 'Hey I want to do ministry, know a lot about the Bible or to care so much it hurts.' it was just a part of who I am...what I was drawn to and part of who I am.
I mean, I do make conscious decisions about praying, studying the Bible and trying to be open and sharing with people...but at the same time this isn't something I have to try all that hard to do...what people believe and think is something I naturally care a lot about...and I hate seeing pain and why Jesus came.
To help the sick and broken, to not just fix the physical pain but the mental and spiritual anguish of us being divorced from God by the schism of our betrayals.
We're so all so helplessly involved in this idea of love and the need for attention because of the deeper longings in our heart...well to quote my ever over quoted philosophical and theological guru C.S. Lewis:
"If I find in myself a desire which no experience in this world can satisfy, the most probable explanation is that I was made for another world."
You know...I'm reminded of where Jesus was asked about marriage in Matthew. The religious leaders came up with this hypothetical conundrum they thought would catch Jesus in a bad place theological speaking so they could go "Ah! Aha!" and instead Jesus proceeded to liquefy their minds:
"Jesus answered, "You're off base on two counts: You don't know your Bibles, and you don't know how God works. At the resurrection we're beyond marriage. As with the angels, all our ecstasies and intimacies then will be with God. And regarding your speculation on whether the dead are raised or not, don't you read your Bibles? The grammar is clear: God says, 'I am—not was—the God of Abraham, the God of Isaac, the God of Jacob.' The living God defines himself not as the God of dead men, but of the living." Hearing this exchange the crowd was much impressed."
-Matthew
Okay.
The idea of marriage is a union, a joining together of two as one. You have two beings become one in mind, spirit, body and all of that. Often times the Bible uses marriage language to describe the relationship between God and His people...both the Jews in the Old Testament and Christians in the New Testament.
In fact, Testament is another word for covenant which in turn is often time was used in the context of 'marriage covenant' in the Bible. Becoming a Christian, a follower of God is like becoming married...you enter a partnership, this idea of the Holy Spirit indwelling in you and you becoming more like God...changing because of love changing you.
Some great reading on this idea is the minor prophet of Hosea in the Old Testament (the book of Hosea) and in the New Testament in Revelation 21 (where the church is referred to being the 'bride' of the Lamb (Jesus)).
Something that dawned on me though...this whole idea of human love will pass away. The concepts we hold...the connections we build are imperfect and just are reflections of the divine. Sort of how Rob Bell talks about how a marriage can either be a reflection of Hell or Heaven...because we're created in the image of God and how we interact can bring pieces of Heaven of Hell to a person.
The passage of 1 Corinthians 13 is sometimes referred to as being the 'love chapter' because it goes on about love and the majority of its modern use is found in marriage ceremonies...and yeah that is nice and all but I think it does more than just talk about how people should treat each other.
"Love never fails; but if there are gifts of prophecy, they will be done away; if there are tongues, they will cease; if there is knowledge, it will be done away. For we know in part and we prophesy in part; but when the perfect comes, the partial will be done away.
When I was a child, I used to speak like a child, think like a child, reason like a child; when I became a man, I did away with childish things. For now we see in a mirror dimly, but then face to face; now I know in part, but then I will know fully just as I also have been fully known."
-1 Corinthians 13: 8-12
I think the two most important parts are "For we know in part and we prophesy in part; but when the perfect comes, the partial will be done away." and "For now we see in a mirror dimly, but then face to face; now I know in part, but then I will know fully just as I also have been fully known."
Human love is inherently imperfect because we cannot love fully or unconditionally, or capacity for love comes only because of us being made in the image of God and despite our fallen natures that goodness burns bright and can shine through. One might find a metaphor of how the human love we experience is a bit like trying to stumble around in a dark room trying to find a light switch...we can feel things, get an idea about what is going on by the sharp pain in our shins...but it's not until the darkness is peeled away totally are we allowed to see the truth beyond truth.
The world is spiraling out of control...I don't mean stupid short term political thins like Democrats against the Republicans...but I mean, and to quote Roland here, people forgetting the face of their Father, their Father that spoke them into being.
I have never felt it was my job to point the finger, to judge or to declare how unholy people were...because the only reason I'm different is because of Jesus
loving idiots. It's almost like a backhanded compliment...Jesus loves you but you are so filthy and dirty that it takes God Himself to start cleaning you up...but my God! When you are clean you are clean, forgiven, washed cleaned and made a new person.
This all feels melodramatic...and to those on the outside looking in it might be...but then again love oftentimes seems foolish to those that are not a part of that relationship.
"I’m not one who always trusts their feelings
I don’t believe in what you’d call blind faith
But faith that you can do all that you promised
And you said it all works for good
It’s safe to say I don’t see the big picture
I can’t see the forest for the trees
And if five hundred lives
Were mine to get to know
You all could be spent on just this
God do you really understand what it’s like to be a man
Have You ever felt the weight of loving all the things you Hate
Have You struggled have you worried
How can You sympathize
I have spoken too soon put my hand over my mouth
I can’t contend with You
Your ways are so much higher
And we pass through the fire that Christ endured before us
When You were in the wilderness"
- The OC Supertones, "Wilderness"
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