Quote of the Day:

"Monsters are real, and ghosts are real too. They live inside us, and sometimes, they win."
-Stephen King

I found out the biopsies taken last week during the test were all negative.

The good news is I have nothing like Bubonic Plague, cancer, deep seated infection or Chronic Spontaneous Human Combustion Disorder. However this also means I really don't have a diagnosis beyond fibromyalgia.

Illness - 12, Medical Science - 0

Okay.
I am slightly freaked out because I think Jesus finally said something to me.
I have been ranting about being sick but my biggest theological question I have been grappling with the past few years (even my senior thesis was on this) is why are good people, any INNOCENT people suffering?

Africa, Europe, Asia, the Americas...starvation, disease, neglect, ignorance...thousands if not millions of lives wasting away...dying from malnutrition, preventable disease...STUPID poverty that by all rights should not exist in the twenty-first situation.

Do you want to know what Jesus said?
It could have been a message out of Job.
No answers, no defense, no justification...just the beautiful way Jesus tends to take situations and turn them around on you.

It was simply this:
"If you care so much why aren't you doing something about it?"

By all means this could just be the product of a sick mind being turned in on itself...but it matches with Scripture to the best of my knowledge.
I rant, write, kick up dust and draw circles in the sand...but what is it I am really doing?

Right now I am too tired, too exhausted to sort things out...but the two groups that come to mind that I need to do more stuff with is One, Amnesty International, World Vision and Voice of the Martyrs.

I have signed petitions in the past...but the gross amount of hypocrisy is that I stopped there...I have not made it a regular issue to pray about...or write about.
That needs to change...

I don't have to change the world.
I can be sick and be in excruciating pain until I fall over dead.
I don't care, I know I am going to die sooner or later...the only thing I even remotely care about right now is being faithful to the post I have been called to.

I think that will require some serious reflection and thought.

Anger is such a useless emotion.
Things go bad and all apart...I am perhaps the only person in the whole world who manages to accomplish nothing when I am angry.

I cannot yell at anyone, hurt them, break things or anything whatsoever...I actually care about people so I can't treat them as objects to use and toss away when I get done with them.

I just...

I am so frustrated with my body not healing, not getting better...small things get under my skin and agitate me...and I just forget why I am even alive in the first place.

Father I am so weary...I find no rest in sleep from the nightmares and most of my waking moments are marked second by second from the pain that comes from breathing, walking, eating food...what am I supposed to do?

I want to believe it will get better than you actually give a damn about me...but my faith isn't that strong. I feel like...I have tried, I have done this...I have done that and ultimately it's all been pointless, meaningless...because I can't even function, I can barely make it to class.

I have nothing left.
I am beyond exhausted and the medication...does nothing, it makes me unable to function.
What kind of sick joke is this?

I feel like I am just falling apart faster every day...and the best service I could do is just to remove every presence of myself here...and there...just find some solitude and peace in the darkness.

I am in so much pain right now that it is starting to make me incredibly angry.
Very angry.
Yay for useless medication, doctors who are less than helpful and impossibly embarrassing and painful tests that lead nowhere!