Sunday, July 18, 2010
Psalm 78
"So each generation should set its hope anew on God,
not forgetting his glorious miracles
and obeying his commands.
Then they will not be like their ancestors—
stubborn, rebellious, and unfaithful,
refusing to give their hearts to God."
-Psalm 78:7-8
What does it mean to 'set its hope anew'?
Does it have something to do with expectation, goals, ideals of worship or something else entirely?
How can it feel as if I have been alive for generations?
To feel so weathered in my soul, as if I have lived to see so much born and passed away? Ultimately I feel as if I am nothing more than Israel...stubborn, rebellious, unfaithful...this adulterous bride whose last concern is her betrothed.
God...wants my heart?
He not only loves me...but likes me...wants me closer to Him...YOU want me closer...I just...do you understand how impossible this seems and sounds?
Yet...my heart beats so fast when you are near...I loose my grasp on the temporal...and it as if things are fading from view and are beginning to make sense for the first time...
The stench of the hypocrisy which flows from my mouth...such trite and meaningless metaphors...like a drunk stumbling in a dirty alley. Grace has never left me...and still chases after me...
"From machines that I have made
I’ve become the slave
but I’ve been carried along
freedom like a song
Freedom lifts me like a song
when the weak shall be made strong..."
not forgetting his glorious miracles
and obeying his commands.
Then they will not be like their ancestors—
stubborn, rebellious, and unfaithful,
refusing to give their hearts to God."
-Psalm 78:7-8
What does it mean to 'set its hope anew'?
Does it have something to do with expectation, goals, ideals of worship or something else entirely?
How can it feel as if I have been alive for generations?
To feel so weathered in my soul, as if I have lived to see so much born and passed away? Ultimately I feel as if I am nothing more than Israel...stubborn, rebellious, unfaithful...this adulterous bride whose last concern is her betrothed.
God...wants my heart?
He not only loves me...but likes me...wants me closer to Him...YOU want me closer...I just...do you understand how impossible this seems and sounds?
Yet...my heart beats so fast when you are near...I loose my grasp on the temporal...and it as if things are fading from view and are beginning to make sense for the first time...
The stench of the hypocrisy which flows from my mouth...such trite and meaningless metaphors...like a drunk stumbling in a dirty alley. Grace has never left me...and still chases after me...
"From machines that I have made
I’ve become the slave
but I’ve been carried along
freedom like a song
Freedom lifts me like a song
when the weak shall be made strong..."
It's clear I've been running...just running from You, myself and everything.
The question is...what am I hiding from?
It's not as if I could succeed.
I know part of it...but there is so much I do not see about myself...about life.
I've cared too much about opinions and I am dying from the weight of expectations on my shoulders...my spirit cannot breath because I left the yoke of the Lord and took on this world, well meaning people who I cannot help, and I drown in the smallest of streams.
At any point You could have wiped me out, destroyed me in Your wrath...and yet grace, beautiful and wonderful grace for a sinner like me. Thanks hardly seems appropriate...much less when I fall down so often and am a child.
But thanks...thanks a million times.
The question is...what am I hiding from?
It's not as if I could succeed.
I know part of it...but there is so much I do not see about myself...about life.
I've cared too much about opinions and I am dying from the weight of expectations on my shoulders...my spirit cannot breath because I left the yoke of the Lord and took on this world, well meaning people who I cannot help, and I drown in the smallest of streams.
At any point You could have wiped me out, destroyed me in Your wrath...and yet grace, beautiful and wonderful grace for a sinner like me. Thanks hardly seems appropriate...much less when I fall down so often and am a child.
But thanks...thanks a million times.
Somethings...someone I do miss...and conversations, joy and life...
It feels as though the day is stretching on and night may last forever.
But...eternity...if nothing else will be a long enough time to catch up.
I do miss the true honesty...not abrasive berating for its own sake...or self motivated righteousness seeking things I can't defend...or just me being on trial for being the fool I am...but the love that grows between two souls sharing life.
It's good to know I can feel.
The pain will pass.
The beauty will grow.
Everything worthwhile will bloom.
Such wonder, such greatness...revealed to one as me?
Such a paradox.
But such beauty.
It feels as though the day is stretching on and night may last forever.
But...eternity...if nothing else will be a long enough time to catch up.
I do miss the true honesty...not abrasive berating for its own sake...or self motivated righteousness seeking things I can't defend...or just me being on trial for being the fool I am...but the love that grows between two souls sharing life.
It's good to know I can feel.
The pain will pass.
The beauty will grow.
Everything worthwhile will bloom.
Such wonder, such greatness...revealed to one as me?
Such a paradox.
But such beauty.
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