Wow.

I just got punched in the stomach, metaphorically speaking.

I just realized how much of a waste the past three years of life have been, on a game I mean. Sure there are friendships and memories...but its just...seriously? What am I doing? Was this anything what I wanted to be?

King of a sinking ship? Broken body, broken soul and broken mind?

Seriously?

Geez...I honestly thought I had issues...just looking at this...it's like walking in on myself naked and realizing...that...deep down it's shallow...I don't know how I am so surprised to see other human beings flawed like me...but its a bitter and odd taste.

How could I have wasted so much time?

I want to throw up for more reasons now.

At least a sucker or a fool would have realized what he was getting himself into.

Maybe, maybe not.

Doesn't matter I do not think.

I feel like some sort of sucker...involving my heart and mind in endeavors both fruitless and worthless...and at the end of the day I'm still not some sort of hero who wins the girl and gets to go home...I'm just the idiot nice guy holding the umbrella out for a long list of people who, for the most part, just seem to add to my stress levels.

The self righteous part of me wants to scream and throw a tantrum...but that is as juvenile as it is pointless. Ultimately it is all just a bunch of code running through a system and being projected across a screen...anything else there is something we read into the systematic chaos influenced by the random factors of humanity.

It is the pained moments of clarification that I think a lot of people reach the point where they kill themselves. A revamping, redefining of life to the point where its realizing a lot of life is a pointless struggle with no 'Thank you very much' attached to it.

Which is fine.

Really it is.

The people who can be happy and without care are those who can regulate certain portions of their mind into areas that either feel nothing or are these fairy land areas where life is desensitized into understandable snipits and small bites capable of rational thought.

Which you know, isn't necessarily the worst of ideas...I mean, how many people are like me? Unable to sleep at night because they know some sort of finality is coming and will bring about some sort of end to reality as we know it and things will be redefined into some new and otherwise unknowable context?

That is of course assuming I'm not just some paranoid schizophrenic with a best friend called Jesus.

I'm not sure how I got to or where I'm going but I just want to just cancel every form of contact I have with people and find a cave to go to, some far distant cave in a desert so I can think this all out in my head...try to make some logical progress about these otherwise illogical creatures that rip my heart open and don't understand tears or pain.

And it's not like I'm some sort of comedian...getting the joke no one else is in on...I see the joke and personally find it sick and revolting...I feel sort of helpless to do anything about it but what is that anyway?

As if somehow the world would bow to my will and my mind...as if I am capable of the impossible and can break down things to such a level anyone would wish to join my bandwagon.

As if.

The people I'm thinking of would read this and simply think I am speaking of other people...and those who I wish would not bother to try and understand will over think this into some sort of personal attack...when all this is, all this is is just an extension of my mind...flowing thoughts that ebb and become more and more unbecoming by the moment, causing more stress and apathy in its wake.

I am trying to understand things and as it were...I may not understand them.

Or maybe, just maybe I am taking things just a bit too seriously.

I have problems with divorcing emotional attachment away from things.

Every time I leave a place, go away from someone or something and...if I honest to God actually cared about it...it rips a part of my soul and heart away and it hurts...God does it hurt.

It's like I'm leaving pieces of myself here and there, scattered over the horizon and under the sunset and I'm tired of it.

If this Jesus thing isn't just an elaborate scam meant to eventually drive me insane...then I want out.

Now.

I hate swearing and I feel like I do it too much on here and offend a lot of people who may not actually exist in the first place...but forget this.

Forget nobility.
Forget higher calling.
Fotget being at peace with the world and fuck developing spiritual fruits.

Anyone with the audacity or ignorance to say any of those things to me at this point would be asking for me to just explode. I don't care nor do I want your trite religious and spiritual sayings because they do nothing.

Saying Jesus has a big plan for everything and that every possible evil and disgusting thing in this world has its own point...seriously? Does it? This isn't just a case of who is behind the curtain but the entire world that exists around that stupid curtain.

I'm tired of feeling like my faith is a sham simply because I ask questions that make other people upset and uncomfortable.

A life that is unexamined is a life not worth living but a life that has been examined has little worth living out in and of itself.

Being independent of thought and purpose is what?

What is this?

What is going on?

What is this madness?

The more I ask the little that seems to really matter and make sense. The more frustrated I become and the more I just want to run from everything and everyone. I have so many questions, most of which lack any means of articulate intelligent expression and are just these growing pains inside me that I do not know how to stifle.

Besides, this isn't the most attractive thing in the world. Few women find honest confusion and doubt to be sexy and those who do might need to get their head checked out because there are a few screws loosed somewhere.

The focus society and culture thrusts upon us are these impossible ideals that no one understands or can explain...instead what I have is this useless rambling post of nonsense that conveys nothing of any real and significant value because the ones I want to scream at are innocent and the only person to blame for my pain, my hurt, my anger my fucking confusion is myself.

Seething rage mixed with just a few hints of bitter jealously and desperate longing to no longer be in pain.

But considering Jesus' track record of taking his time...I should be fine about five minutes after I am just dead.

Yup that would be my luck.

For Now...

Every moment here is one I cannot get back and that feels as though it is nothing more than a twisted jest of faith.

And...yet, still more remains.

Even through this murky haze of prescribed drugs and of a soul caught in a twilight of change...if there is hope enough for me there is for you too.

This city we live in reeks of Babylon and is steadily charting its own descent into madness. Just as every ounce of pain is a soul reminder that my number has been called and the ticket will be up soon, I will press on deeper ignore caution and all signs. But sometimes the only fight left is the one in which you must loose, irregardless of circumstances I'm not going to quit, not now.

Even this pain must end with time.