Quote of the Day:

"The pain I feel now is the happiness I had before. That's the deal."
-C.S. Lewis


My mother actually reminded me of this quote earlier...I'm not sure if she intended to be profound...but the idea of the change of relationships being so much like that of death...just struck me as being more true than I could realize.

It is a death of some sort...one might even say like a seed going into the ground or a caterpillar weaving a cocoon to live in.

There is the reciprocation that occurs with relationships...the more we invest our time, energy, love, passion and desires into it...when it ends is the greater the pain we experience.

It's the trade off we receive for such things.
The grander the passion, the greater we will suffer when it inevitably has to end.
There is nothing that will survive this world unscathed.
Especially something as pure as love.

All the philosophy, wisdom and theology do absolutely nothing to console me in my pain. I pray, I cry out and receive no answer...I thought it was something of God...but it was not. Quite clearly the one sided misery I suppose would be enough to illustrate that...

I just do not understand this.
People are so utterly confusing and every time I think I understand something and simply take it for granted there is this explosion.


I want so desperately to be right about it...for things to work...but what is the point?

Quite clearly if it wasn't worth fighting for...worth striving for, worth dividing Hell and Heaven over...then it wasn't love. Or at least love from how I understood it, felt it, experienced it, breathed it in, devoured it, drank it in...not just emotions, not just a mental exercise...but this all encompassing shaking of my soul.

I felt my soul tremble before God...and before her.
Maybe it was something I had built up in my head...but I do not think so.
There was something...beautiful, wonderful, amazing, breath taking...wonder beyond wonder...awe-inspiring awesome.

I started to understand WHY and HOW marriage in and of itself could illustrate the furious longings of God for us...the weakness, the power, the pain, the wonder...all of it, all of it, all of it...



I refuse to die over this.
My soul has been hurt.
I feel as though it has been stabbed deeply and an infecting poison is flowing throughout it.

That is why I write.
I write to preserve what little sanity I have left.
I have to write the thoughts that come out...I like knowing others read but ultimately if I was the last person alive I would still be writing, typing, putting words everywhere.

I don't understand what happend.
I still feel as though I was hit by lightning.
Ran over by a van.
Shot by something annoying.

There is an irritation in my soul with no relief.
And I do not know if I seek the cure.
I can't listen to the majority of my music now because it has changed meaning.
I no longer view it in the same light.
I can't.
I thought, I felt, I saw and now no longer.

Why?
That is the perennial question with no resolution.
I guess it has no meaning and doesn't matter if it is answered.
God responded to Moses and Job by saying "I Am".

Jesus mentioned to me while I was driving today that he knows what it is like to not have love or affection returned...not that I am trying to pull my own needless messianic tendencies but...all the pain, all the pleasure...everything that is here and there...are reflections of what is to come and what has always been.

I doubt.
I fear.
I have pain.
More pain than I feel I can ever bare.
More emotion than I ever wanted.
My tears are not wiped away and they are my food and drink.


Such beauty.
Such grace.
Such power.

I mentioned having the power to destroy this soul...I overstated that madam, but barely.