I should be doing homework.
Or writing.
Maybe playing a video game.
Instead I am sitting here, in front of my computer drinking Gatorade and listening to "Wish You Were Here" by Pink Floyd, all the while feeling so freaked out about tomorrow.

I wish there were some easy answers...why did all of this have to fall at once?
I guess it's better now than much later...but still.

Is it so wrong to want to be liked and wanted and not to repulse people with my faith?

Ah...just randomness I guess.

I can't share these deep thoughts with anyone...I just have to fold my arms over my chest so they won't try to escape and cause more harm.
I don't know if I can ever trust so deeply like that again...it just is so hard to gather up the strength and faith to fly when it feels like your wings got crumpled up and are just a broken mess barely hanging on.

I have to be strong.
Or least wear a mask.
Maybe if I can pretend well enough the problems may go away...or at least I would have better conversational topics with people besides freaking out and thinking I am dying.

I mean...if this surgery happens...I will not be able to function for a while.
Major invasive surgery...and I will be stuck here...no school...not really seeing anyone at all. Who in their right mind would want to drive up here from Mobile just to see me drugged up and in pain?

I don't feel depressed, suicidal or anxiety.
I just feel...so useless and powerless, which in and of itself is scary enough.
I do not think it matters much because these problems are out of my hands.

I know you keep trying to get my attention Daddy, try to beat sense into me...that I need to sit still, be quite, let you love on me and transform me...but I am so scared of the pain...of what it will take for me to become more like you...and what else I will have to loose and endure loosing.

I want to be able to praise always in the light and dark...sickness and pain...good health and love.
I want so badly to be faithful...to endure to follow you where you guide.
I just am so blind and uncertain...help...please?