Day 8

I look up at your macro-skies, dark and enormous, your handmade sky-jewelry, Moon and stars mounted in their settings. Then I look at my micro-self and wonder, Why do you bother with us? Why take a second look our way? Yet we've so narrowly missed being gods, bright with Eden's dawn light.

-Psalm 8:3-5

I keep trying to think about this, about You and try and meditate with a mind full of drugs so that I can keep physical and mental pain away. I feel numb, disconnected from you. I would like so very badly to be closer to you, to be closer in our love, not separated by my willing ignorance and willing sin. I can boast about everything in the world but at the end of the day only you are good, only you are beautiful and wonderful.

I'm so tired Father, my soul feels so exhausted and I want to quit. I just want to cast aside the armor and sword and give up. I've struggled against you and fought to be my own person for so long that I honestly have trouble remembering the last time I heard from you, the last time we made a real connection.

I don't know if its the medication or my own stubborn pride but I would rather do ANYTHING but bow at your feet and acknowledge this world was your creation and that I am your son.

I know the perspective, I know what is supposed to be and what could be but bottom line I am so angry, so tired, so exhausted and in general just pissed off and confused. I have a lot of conflicting thoughts and desires and it makes life difficult.

Father, thank you for loving me even though I do not understand, even though I am confused and even though I am hurting so badly at times. I love you and need you, even especially now, because I want to hate you and I do not want you. I want your love just as much as I want to hate and despise you.

I need you so very much Father. I don't need the emotional high, the drugs of euphoric religion, I just need your love and this relationship to burn with an endless passion. I need you to help me love you and others, I need you to set my heart on fire so that I can love others. I need you to love through me because my black cancerous heart cannot. I need you, I love you and I need you so much more then I can understand.

I'm so tired of feeling freaking sick.

"Holy fury" is quite a terrifying phrase.