Psalm 109

"O God, whom I praise,
don’t stand silent and aloof
while the wicked slander me
and tell lies about me.
They surround me with hateful words
and fight against me for no reason.
I love them, but they try to destroy me with accusations
even as I am praying for them!
They repay evil for good,
and hatred for my love.


"But deal well with me, O Sovereign Lord,
for the sake of your own reputation!
Rescue me
because you are so faithful and good.
For I am poor and needy,
and my heart is full of pain.
I am fading like a shadow at dusk;
I am brushed off like a locust.
My knees are weak from fasting,
and I am skin and bones.
I am a joke to people everywhere;
when they see me, they shake their heads in scorn."
-Psalm 109:1-5, 21-25


Father, you alone know my heart.
You know the pride and ego that lives within me...only you know my lies, my insincerity and how little I care and love...how I would rather seek comfort than help those in need.

But you know this situation, these circumstances greater than I...you know the human heart so intimately and know the truth...so let the truth raise.
Whatever, however and what will be...let truth burn so bright that it is impossible to deny.

This isn't a self-righteous plea of one wanting to be right...but one who is broken, sick with concern and who aches from not knowing what the right thing is.

I can speak in flowery words to get most anything that I want...but I want sincerity, I want honesty...I want fairness and truth.

Could you forgive me for being so full of myself that all I care about is my perspective?
Can you break me so that I have a burden for those who have done so much wrong to my beloved?
Is this a jealousy based in self-righteous contempt? Is this a jealousy born out of a desire to protect, full of the rage that you poured out on those who would dare harm one of your children? Or is it a mixture?

I don't know myself.
I am so confused.
I just want to love.
I want to carry your love to the end of the world.
But I have trouble breathing right now because of how badly I hurt...I can't focus, I can't think straight because of the chest pain...the nausea.

I don't know my left hand from my right hand...what is good or evil...why do I let something like this consume me so much that I just want to vomit up every last disgusting drop of the sin infecting my heart?

I know I am not good, I know I am hopelessly broken...but I know you love me, you love him and love my beloved.
I just want to be faithful to what you have given me.
I want to not be found wanting or lacking in being obedient and following through on doing the right thing.

I just...want to be able to breath again.
I need the pain to subdue so maybe I can sleep.
I can't handle the tears of pain...feeling so isolated and like I will never be able to breath again.

I hate this...my body feels like it is failing...please...please help me find relief.
Even if just for a moment.
Please?


My heart breaks for everyone there...the ones lost, the ones who have lost their way...am I just refusing to forgive and let your grace cover or do I have a valid point to want to protect this beauty which was never mine to begin with?

It is so easy to get lost in my mind, in following myself...please give me perspective...please show me what it means to love, to love without regard to this world...but only in obedience to You.

I want to find the right thing to do in prayer with my beloved...please steer us in the right direction...and give peace, lasting peace about what to do.
Please Daddy.