It was a good night.
But I ache...and feel so alone.
I hate the nights.
It would be so easy to drink or abuse pills...
Just so I could fill the emptiness.
It won't leave will it Lord?
It's going to be a long night.
Even with medication I can't sleep.
The fear keeps me up.
The fear of falling asleep long enough to wake up to realize it was all a dream.
That the pain will not end with my dreams or the night.
But vividly it will paint my life.
Pain and fear are so entwined.
I want to love, I want to be free.
Why can't I be free?
I feel like something is wrong and I will never heal.
I hate this void.
I feel it when I see a pretty girl I like.
It intensifies every time I'm around any family.
It almost becomes hate, because fear is it's seed.
The water is the blood of the innocent, those unfortunate to come near me.
I wish I knew who I was long enough to deny my name.
Peter couldn't keep close to You.
Paul hated You.
Everyone rejects You.
It would be a lie to say I love You.
I do not know who I am, how can I know You?
How can I genuinely love a Stranger?
Love He who made Love?
I want to cast away this generic religion.
It is everything I hate about me.
Every shallow finger pointing out that I'm a bastard child.
Every sin calling me the screwed up orphan I am.
Someone whose dad couldn't bother to stay around to see.
Someone who makes his family hate him enough to want to kick him out.
Someone who brings down the sins of the whole world because he deserves it.
I am.
I am Id.
I am destruction.
I am this pornographic display of unreasonable obscene violence towards the soul.
I want to be shallow enough to shut it up.
I want you to shut up.
I want to shut You up.
I want to hate you.
I want to desecrate this body, rip this soul apart and hate every single person.
I see them on cold indifferent meaningless lists that total up my solitude.
Glowing screens bringing us apart, apart.
Just making my soul scream as I want to rip it up.
I want to feel Your spirit leave so I can face this alone.
I want the Holiness gone.
I want to be alone.
I want to hurt alone.
I want to feel what it is to be free and independent.
Love, call it love and I am insincere.
Call it love and I call it hate.
Make me everything you want baby
just make sure it's never late.
Make sure you see
and take a picture
it'll last longer
and you can own this plastic yourself.
I want to feel the cutting steel
and the loosing of the ground
as I loose myself,
forget myself in lust
and loose it all to end it here,
just another bastard son
falling short of the glory
and crying about shame.
I hate me because I'm lost.
I lost the plot
and I am coming undone.
I want a hug.
I want to just be told it will be okay.
I know people love me
but I just want to feel my family doesn't hate me.
I want to be accepted.
I want to be loved son.
I'm tired of being the black sheep,
this bastard being punished
for my parents not caring enough
to be responsible.
I didn't ask to be made,
I never asked to be born.
I'm here.
Naked and ashamed.
It's no metaphors,
just my soul bearing it all
because of bearing it all
and here we are.
I never wanted this,
I never asked for life.
I didn't want to have a heart that would beat,
I never asked for a soul that could feel.
Why do I have a heart that bleeds
and feels such intense empathy?
You wouldn't believe me when I say
I look in your eyes and see the pain
that I carried it
and I still do.
You refused to believe that I cared
and I could set my soul on fire from the passion.
I'm just tired and dirty.
Poor poetry and worse prose.
What now?
What not?
Just judge and throw this away.
You came knowing what you wanted
so just take it anyway,
twist the words to your delight
and leave me to die.
You never gave a damn about me being here,
how I was born
and this body which will never die soon enough.
We're blind,
don't you see?
Our humanity blinds us from seeing
that we are so beautiful inside
and that until this flesh burns away
and is remade
we will fight this stupid fight
and die for the smallest lie.
My regret is hurting the innocent.
Jesus can forgive me
but I want to kill this monster
who only cares about hurting others
and is a time bomb
that will destroy you if you get too close.
I'm made of twisted wires
and corroded parts.
Everything about me screams of the temporal
and soon it will fade.
Everything will burn
and explode
and light this darkened night sky.
All I can request is to be quickly forgotten
and to be blessed with all being ignorant of I.
Wednesday, November 11, 2009
Quote of the Day
“If I discover within myself a desire which no experience in this world can satisfy, the most probable explanation is that I was made for another world”
-C.S. Lewis
-C.S. Lewis
"The Twilight of Sin’ai" - Preface and Excerpt of Chapter 8
Introduction:
The 'Twilight of Sin'ai' is the middle part of a series of books that are only partially written, partially planned out and mostly exist only in a fragmentary form in my mind. The book series itself still has no title but in order to give the reader a partial framework of understanding the forthcoming chapter excerpt, I will attempt to give an annotated history of the universe this work in progress takes place in:
In the beginning all was void and eternal darkness. It was not until the prime mover spoke that Light itself entered into the physical manifestation of creation. When the Light traveled through the endless void it sparked the creation and movements of all the of planes and the stars, and with them a seemingly infinite assortment of creatures and worlds that they inhabited.
As the creation process came to an end the Light itself raised up among the worlds a series of beings charged with the guidance and protection of the people, they were called Guardians. After a period of time passed fragments of the void began to make their way into the heart of the chief Guardian who began to view his role as being that of serving a lesser an infinitely more inferior creature. He reasoned that 'Why should he, one of such magnificent splendor, be subjected to the menial tasks of caring for such useless people?'
Gradually he began to change, to be twisted, to be tainted and with his fall he brought destruction to the worlds he had been charged to protect. He began to gather a force of other Guardians, twisting those he could and killing those who would not turn. Among the planets that held sentient life he began the long work of twisting their hearts, using subtlety he began the long work of corrupting worlds.
The Light began to rally its forces on the targeted worlds and they quickly became battlefields between good and evil. Those that had not felt the full reach of the quickly growing Dark were sealed off and could be accessed only by the magical gates that had linked all of the world together.
This fallen Guardian seeks to reach the center of all the worlds, the place where life had began and by conquering it and its people he hopes to achieve greater power and complete domination over all that is. However because of the gates that were put in place, it has become a desperate fight from world to world with him having to take things one world at a time.
Thousands of years have passed and many worlds have fallen. On the world of Sin'ai darkness has begun to overwhelm all. The free thinking people have bound together under oath and allegiance to hold their ground in hope that the Light and the Guardians will rescue them.
This chapter excerpt takes place after a scroll containing the knowledge of the primary gate on Sin'ai had been stolen by the chief warrior of the Order of Khiros, (which is a group devoted in religious zealotry toward The Dark) a mysterious man named Flahg. After a night of chasing and battle the central heroes of this story return to their city and Lord with what they think is the scrol. However tragedy strikes and the item turns out to be a decoy which engulfs their dear friend, the Lord Thamos, in fel flames causing him a most agonizing demise.
This story excerpt picks up that evening at the funeral of Thamos...
************
************
************
************
The sun hung on the edge of the sky with a blood red hue that added a morbid accent to the proceedings. It was almost as though the heavens themselves were declaring the extent of the outrage, the profane gesture that it was that one so young and good died such a tragic and pointless death. It spoke as if to say this was ultimately nothing more than yet another senseless death to be added to the tally of this realms sad and tragic history.
Those under the banner of the Knights of the Xianphire gathered. The Knights were split into two companies, the first being the half dozen of those under the sword of Agius were closest to the front of the circle as they were known to have been in the late Lords intimate council. The second group consisted of another two dozen survivors that were all that remained of their once numerous and proud force. The rest consisted of the gathered militia and the handful of soldiers from the regular army who had remained after this time.
Agius, as chief paladin by default, was elected to lead the ceremony and did so with great sorrow and reluctance. He stepped to the front of the people who had gathered under the blood red sky in the courtyard. His eyes traveled across all who were there, tears in the eyes of most and the look of sorrow intermingled with exhaustion on all.
This would be more than difficult, if not impossible. He silently began praying to the Light for strength.
By being elected to lead this ceremony, symbolic as it might be, it was as if he was given the legitimate right to succeed leadership where there was no one else to. Somehow he was to lead this last group of soldiers that had sacrificed all by choosing to give up both their lives and families and fight right on what had become the final border of civilization.
He took a deep breath and tried to pull his thoughts together , desperate to find some logical form.
Everyone was standing at attention meeting his eyes, they must have known how difficult this was for him, how this mantle was something to be taken and held as an honor but an honor that weighed on the soul and pressed deep into the mind as a sword, cutting swift and reminding him why those who never knew battle were the single most blessed people who were ever born.
“My beloved brothers and sisters in arm, in sorrow and given life and still purpose by the power of both the Light and Guardians; thank you for being here.”
He paused and met the eyes of the small group of people. Taking the time to look at each one of them in the eyes, they knew that he knew them not just by name but because most of them had grown together, knew their families and intimately knew they shared this pain, the burden they all had in common by fighting this war.
“Our lands have stood at a crossroads for many years, Lord Thamos was a man who knew this. He knew that the political troubles that rulers loved to get themselves entangled in would not end with any long term victory. Sending thousands to die over a few strips of land was something he despised as much as seeing a murderer walk free, because in his mind both were equivocal injustices.
“He gave his life as he lived it. With his soldiers on the front line, in this fortress that we have all viewed as being a hellish tomb. We have fought to maintain this link, this bastion as a means of drawing a line in the sand, as a message to the Dark and all those who foolishly ran to and embraced them. Our Lord knew that by choosing to stand up he was marking himself as a target. He trusted in the Light, the Guardians and that all people were made to be free and had the right to live free from the oppression of tyranny and those who would enslave them to simply construct even more ways of efficient murder and the destroying of the innocent.
“He gave himself first and foremost to those he served. He gave up the thought of marrying and heirs because he knew that if we failed in making our stand then there would be no future generations to be had. He knew that each one of you was here for a purpose, that no accidents existed in who the Light chose to bring here. None of you were born without reason, instead we were created to serve and fight for reason.”
He paused and walked forward to the group. Holding his hands outstretched wide he looked up to the sky and slowly turned in a circle and looked back down as he came to face the group again. “You are the reason, this place is your reason, your family is your reason.” He stopped and looked into the misty blue eyes of Dinlixia. “The one you love is why you fight. If we do not continue this fight and be willing to sacrifice everything like Thamos did than we will not have a chance. This is a challenge none of us would have asked for but one we must all accept if we are to survive.
“We hold Lord Thamos in our hearts and return his ashes to the land that bore him. We pray his spirit is received into the Halls of his fathers that they share with the Guardians and we pray that the Light will bear him there safely.”
** ** ** ** **
“That was beautiful.”
“You are much too kind to me beloved.” Agius sighed as he looked out the window of the small room he had been sharing with Nanthanial.
Dinlixia wrapped her arms around his shoulder from behind and held him, resting her head on the back of his neck. “I never could be kind enough. These days are so dark and so troubled that sometimes the only light I ever see comes from your heart. With loosing Thamos as our leader they, I, needed to hear everything you said so very much. We would be even more lost without you…”
He gave a heavy sigh and closed his eyes to try and hold back the overflow of emotion that threatened to overwhelm him and spill out.
“What is it? Speak to me please.”
A minute passed in silence as she gently kissed the back of his neck allowing her fingers to move along his shoulder and neck giving him time to gather words.
“I, I am not special. I am just my father’s son, I was not even the strongest Paladin of my class. In almost every way I am ordinary and it almost feels like it was a tarnish on his death to have me of all people deliver the eulogy. I am not even of noble birth, Guinavare should have been the one wh-“
She had suddenly turned Agius around catching him off guard as she interrupted him by fiercely kissing him on the lips, sliding her hands into his light colored hair as he gradually wrapped his arms around her, holding her tightly.
“Who you are is more than enough.” She looked up into his eyes not breaking their connection until he closed his eyes and let out a soft sigh. “The Light and the Guardians elected for this lot to fall to you for a reason, we have not been forgotten and we will fight until we see the end that we are. My people have fought this battle since time itself began to wind and now that it is coming undone we shall fight until we see the wonder of what lays beyond this veil of darkness.”
Finally daring to open his eyes he looked down to her, seeing eyes which shone as twin blue moons giving light to his darkened soul. “Thank you, the years we have known each other you have ever stood beside me and gave me strength and courage.”
Giving a wry smile she kisses his lips. “Your looks are what keep me around, for a human they are quite impressive.”
“For one who is a child of the undying race it would seem you have standards that are less than honorable.”
“Undying has never meant noble, have you seen an Eidolon who ever intended well?”
“As always you point is both reasonable and valid.” He ran his fingers gently over her cheek before pausing, his thumb gently running along beneath her bottom lip. She looked up at him saying nothing, knowing he would speak when ready.
“I love you. I have loved you since we first met in what almost feels like a lifetime ago. When I spoke about finding a purpose, a reason to live and to fight I meant you. You have been my reason for these many years.”
She gave him a smile that said better than any words she could form that she not only knew but her heart burned in the same way.
“There could maybe be no worse a time to ask but would you be mine, be mine forevermore?”
He pulled away from her slowly and dropped to one knee and pulled out a silvery ring forged of mithril. “If you will, accept this paltry token as being but the faintest symbol of my affections for you.”
Looking at the crest on the ring she felt although her heart was caught in her throat as silent tears fell on her face without her knowing. She nodded her head and mouthed her answer as he slid the ring on her hand and their lips soon met and he began to kiss away her tears.
Lost in the rapture of their kiss it was many minutes before they spoke again.
The 'Twilight of Sin'ai' is the middle part of a series of books that are only partially written, partially planned out and mostly exist only in a fragmentary form in my mind. The book series itself still has no title but in order to give the reader a partial framework of understanding the forthcoming chapter excerpt, I will attempt to give an annotated history of the universe this work in progress takes place in:
In the beginning all was void and eternal darkness. It was not until the prime mover spoke that Light itself entered into the physical manifestation of creation. When the Light traveled through the endless void it sparked the creation and movements of all the of planes and the stars, and with them a seemingly infinite assortment of creatures and worlds that they inhabited.
As the creation process came to an end the Light itself raised up among the worlds a series of beings charged with the guidance and protection of the people, they were called Guardians. After a period of time passed fragments of the void began to make their way into the heart of the chief Guardian who began to view his role as being that of serving a lesser an infinitely more inferior creature. He reasoned that 'Why should he, one of such magnificent splendor, be subjected to the menial tasks of caring for such useless people?'
Gradually he began to change, to be twisted, to be tainted and with his fall he brought destruction to the worlds he had been charged to protect. He began to gather a force of other Guardians, twisting those he could and killing those who would not turn. Among the planets that held sentient life he began the long work of twisting their hearts, using subtlety he began the long work of corrupting worlds.
The Light began to rally its forces on the targeted worlds and they quickly became battlefields between good and evil. Those that had not felt the full reach of the quickly growing Dark were sealed off and could be accessed only by the magical gates that had linked all of the world together.
This fallen Guardian seeks to reach the center of all the worlds, the place where life had began and by conquering it and its people he hopes to achieve greater power and complete domination over all that is. However because of the gates that were put in place, it has become a desperate fight from world to world with him having to take things one world at a time.
Thousands of years have passed and many worlds have fallen. On the world of Sin'ai darkness has begun to overwhelm all. The free thinking people have bound together under oath and allegiance to hold their ground in hope that the Light and the Guardians will rescue them.
This chapter excerpt takes place after a scroll containing the knowledge of the primary gate on Sin'ai had been stolen by the chief warrior of the Order of Khiros, (which is a group devoted in religious zealotry toward The Dark) a mysterious man named Flahg. After a night of chasing and battle the central heroes of this story return to their city and Lord with what they think is the scrol. However tragedy strikes and the item turns out to be a decoy which engulfs their dear friend, the Lord Thamos, in fel flames causing him a most agonizing demise.
This story excerpt picks up that evening at the funeral of Thamos...
************
************
************
************
The sun hung on the edge of the sky with a blood red hue that added a morbid accent to the proceedings. It was almost as though the heavens themselves were declaring the extent of the outrage, the profane gesture that it was that one so young and good died such a tragic and pointless death. It spoke as if to say this was ultimately nothing more than yet another senseless death to be added to the tally of this realms sad and tragic history.
Those under the banner of the Knights of the Xianphire gathered. The Knights were split into two companies, the first being the half dozen of those under the sword of Agius were closest to the front of the circle as they were known to have been in the late Lords intimate council. The second group consisted of another two dozen survivors that were all that remained of their once numerous and proud force. The rest consisted of the gathered militia and the handful of soldiers from the regular army who had remained after this time.
Agius, as chief paladin by default, was elected to lead the ceremony and did so with great sorrow and reluctance. He stepped to the front of the people who had gathered under the blood red sky in the courtyard. His eyes traveled across all who were there, tears in the eyes of most and the look of sorrow intermingled with exhaustion on all.
This would be more than difficult, if not impossible. He silently began praying to the Light for strength.
By being elected to lead this ceremony, symbolic as it might be, it was as if he was given the legitimate right to succeed leadership where there was no one else to. Somehow he was to lead this last group of soldiers that had sacrificed all by choosing to give up both their lives and families and fight right on what had become the final border of civilization.
He took a deep breath and tried to pull his thoughts together , desperate to find some logical form.
Everyone was standing at attention meeting his eyes, they must have known how difficult this was for him, how this mantle was something to be taken and held as an honor but an honor that weighed on the soul and pressed deep into the mind as a sword, cutting swift and reminding him why those who never knew battle were the single most blessed people who were ever born.
“My beloved brothers and sisters in arm, in sorrow and given life and still purpose by the power of both the Light and Guardians; thank you for being here.”
He paused and met the eyes of the small group of people. Taking the time to look at each one of them in the eyes, they knew that he knew them not just by name but because most of them had grown together, knew their families and intimately knew they shared this pain, the burden they all had in common by fighting this war.
“Our lands have stood at a crossroads for many years, Lord Thamos was a man who knew this. He knew that the political troubles that rulers loved to get themselves entangled in would not end with any long term victory. Sending thousands to die over a few strips of land was something he despised as much as seeing a murderer walk free, because in his mind both were equivocal injustices.
“He gave his life as he lived it. With his soldiers on the front line, in this fortress that we have all viewed as being a hellish tomb. We have fought to maintain this link, this bastion as a means of drawing a line in the sand, as a message to the Dark and all those who foolishly ran to and embraced them. Our Lord knew that by choosing to stand up he was marking himself as a target. He trusted in the Light, the Guardians and that all people were made to be free and had the right to live free from the oppression of tyranny and those who would enslave them to simply construct even more ways of efficient murder and the destroying of the innocent.
“He gave himself first and foremost to those he served. He gave up the thought of marrying and heirs because he knew that if we failed in making our stand then there would be no future generations to be had. He knew that each one of you was here for a purpose, that no accidents existed in who the Light chose to bring here. None of you were born without reason, instead we were created to serve and fight for reason.”
He paused and walked forward to the group. Holding his hands outstretched wide he looked up to the sky and slowly turned in a circle and looked back down as he came to face the group again. “You are the reason, this place is your reason, your family is your reason.” He stopped and looked into the misty blue eyes of Dinlixia. “The one you love is why you fight. If we do not continue this fight and be willing to sacrifice everything like Thamos did than we will not have a chance. This is a challenge none of us would have asked for but one we must all accept if we are to survive.
“We hold Lord Thamos in our hearts and return his ashes to the land that bore him. We pray his spirit is received into the Halls of his fathers that they share with the Guardians and we pray that the Light will bear him there safely.”
** ** ** ** **
“That was beautiful.”
“You are much too kind to me beloved.” Agius sighed as he looked out the window of the small room he had been sharing with Nanthanial.
Dinlixia wrapped her arms around his shoulder from behind and held him, resting her head on the back of his neck. “I never could be kind enough. These days are so dark and so troubled that sometimes the only light I ever see comes from your heart. With loosing Thamos as our leader they, I, needed to hear everything you said so very much. We would be even more lost without you…”
He gave a heavy sigh and closed his eyes to try and hold back the overflow of emotion that threatened to overwhelm him and spill out.
“What is it? Speak to me please.”
A minute passed in silence as she gently kissed the back of his neck allowing her fingers to move along his shoulder and neck giving him time to gather words.
“I, I am not special. I am just my father’s son, I was not even the strongest Paladin of my class. In almost every way I am ordinary and it almost feels like it was a tarnish on his death to have me of all people deliver the eulogy. I am not even of noble birth, Guinavare should have been the one wh-“
She had suddenly turned Agius around catching him off guard as she interrupted him by fiercely kissing him on the lips, sliding her hands into his light colored hair as he gradually wrapped his arms around her, holding her tightly.
“Who you are is more than enough.” She looked up into his eyes not breaking their connection until he closed his eyes and let out a soft sigh. “The Light and the Guardians elected for this lot to fall to you for a reason, we have not been forgotten and we will fight until we see the end that we are. My people have fought this battle since time itself began to wind and now that it is coming undone we shall fight until we see the wonder of what lays beyond this veil of darkness.”
Finally daring to open his eyes he looked down to her, seeing eyes which shone as twin blue moons giving light to his darkened soul. “Thank you, the years we have known each other you have ever stood beside me and gave me strength and courage.”
Giving a wry smile she kisses his lips. “Your looks are what keep me around, for a human they are quite impressive.”
“For one who is a child of the undying race it would seem you have standards that are less than honorable.”
“Undying has never meant noble, have you seen an Eidolon who ever intended well?”
“As always you point is both reasonable and valid.” He ran his fingers gently over her cheek before pausing, his thumb gently running along beneath her bottom lip. She looked up at him saying nothing, knowing he would speak when ready.
“I love you. I have loved you since we first met in what almost feels like a lifetime ago. When I spoke about finding a purpose, a reason to live and to fight I meant you. You have been my reason for these many years.”
She gave him a smile that said better than any words she could form that she not only knew but her heart burned in the same way.
“There could maybe be no worse a time to ask but would you be mine, be mine forevermore?”
He pulled away from her slowly and dropped to one knee and pulled out a silvery ring forged of mithril. “If you will, accept this paltry token as being but the faintest symbol of my affections for you.”
Looking at the crest on the ring she felt although her heart was caught in her throat as silent tears fell on her face without her knowing. She nodded her head and mouthed her answer as he slid the ring on her hand and their lips soon met and he began to kiss away her tears.
Lost in the rapture of their kiss it was many minutes before they spoke again.
BS2 concert
For the three other fans of Brave Saint Saturn out there here is a link to a full concerts of one of the few times they have ever performed as a band:
http://www.youtube.com/view_play_list?p=98995D3674732992
http://www.youtube.com/view_play_list?p=98995D3674732992
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