I cannot pretend to know this word.
Inklings of a life past flow in expanse.
Speechless.
Breathless.
Embrace.
The yawing, the gaping expression.
An expanse, the border of existence.
You are mindful now, if you ever were.
Nothing said, nothing will.
Goodbye.
Saturday, March 1, 2008
Juxtaposition
"Sometimes I feel like I don't know
Sometimes I feel like checking out
I wanna get it wrong
Can't always be strong
And love it won't be long"
-U2, "Ultraviolet (Light My Way)"
There are so many indescribable thoughts in my mind that are described in that short verse. There are so many pounding, pulsating, raging, screaming thoughts desperately trying to escape from my mind at any given time. There are so many of these thoughts and so little that I can honestly do with them.
So much of myself is intermingled with the mask I wear around people. A lot of the time I am not sure about who I really am, where the persona and my soul end and begin. It is almost like I have lost sight of who I am, who this 'Matt' is, who 'Ninten' is, who any of these people, persons and things are.
Where do my real feelings begin? What do I feel? Why do I have all of these incredibly confusing impulses that make next to no sense?
I would much rather run free of this inhibitions, to be free of what feels like dead weight...to allow whoever it is that I am to be freed to exist.
It is more then just confusion about who I am, what I am...it is confusion over my being, my action, my reaction...similar to the discussions over if a person is made by their actions or if they make their actions because of who they are. Ultimately it is a dichotomy which cannot be separated.
Black and White.
Male and Female.
Night and Day
End and Beginning
So many opposites and necessary contradictions. There has to be a level of tension for life to proceed at any sense of pace. We are not allowed to set the parameters for life and existence but if we pay attention, if we look close enough then we can see so much more then we could ever know otherwise.
Juxtaposition.
God, unless you enjoy seeing someone tortured with their inability to express themselves, let me scream this song that has been building for years. Give me an outlet and an expression to vent. Look at me, listen to me and hold me with my tears.
Watch the blood and water intermingle and become one, close as we were, close as we might never be again.
Hold me closer then a breath, keep me beside.
Love me when I am grateful, know me when I forget.
Show me what I know and the pain I fight to forget.
Love me when I'm dry and distant.
Show me a mirror while I deride your name.
Let me see the hypocrisy that knows no bounds, just as much as I see Your love with no end.
Nothing I say will stand up, all will fall back into the mists of eternity.
Except your love.
The bedrock, the beginning, the end.
The only cornerstone, the one rejected because of self adulterated hate.
Be still my heart.
The pulsating fraction.
Blood flowing free within and without.
My love for you.
Never to recognize any of these,
just a burning feeling.
The desolate cold of knowing.
Shattered in thought.
Pulsate with life.
Wake, burn.
The words we speak to calm our sin.
Preach flowery words of hate to hide,
the lust, the pride all locked within.
Forget, forgive all for one side.
Comfort, confront all in one sense.
Thoughts, passionless, fruitless endeavors for self.
An orgy of self adulterated adoration.
Meaningless pleasure intermingled with an equally worthless rational.
Corrupted, busted, filtered, brokered self.
Buying and selling integrity with our esteem.
Bottomed out worthless trash of thought.
Skin upon skin upon sin upon that mindless grin without the taste,
the subtle hint of the irony possessed with a phony.
Sometimes I feel like checking out
I wanna get it wrong
Can't always be strong
And love it won't be long"
-U2, "Ultraviolet (Light My Way)"
There are so many indescribable thoughts in my mind that are described in that short verse. There are so many pounding, pulsating, raging, screaming thoughts desperately trying to escape from my mind at any given time. There are so many of these thoughts and so little that I can honestly do with them.
So much of myself is intermingled with the mask I wear around people. A lot of the time I am not sure about who I really am, where the persona and my soul end and begin. It is almost like I have lost sight of who I am, who this 'Matt' is, who 'Ninten' is, who any of these people, persons and things are.
Where do my real feelings begin? What do I feel? Why do I have all of these incredibly confusing impulses that make next to no sense?
I would much rather run free of this inhibitions, to be free of what feels like dead weight...to allow whoever it is that I am to be freed to exist.
It is more then just confusion about who I am, what I am...it is confusion over my being, my action, my reaction...similar to the discussions over if a person is made by their actions or if they make their actions because of who they are. Ultimately it is a dichotomy which cannot be separated.
Black and White.
Male and Female.
Night and Day
End and Beginning
So many opposites and necessary contradictions. There has to be a level of tension for life to proceed at any sense of pace. We are not allowed to set the parameters for life and existence but if we pay attention, if we look close enough then we can see so much more then we could ever know otherwise.
Juxtaposition.
God, unless you enjoy seeing someone tortured with their inability to express themselves, let me scream this song that has been building for years. Give me an outlet and an expression to vent. Look at me, listen to me and hold me with my tears.
Watch the blood and water intermingle and become one, close as we were, close as we might never be again.
Hold me closer then a breath, keep me beside.
Love me when I am grateful, know me when I forget.
Show me what I know and the pain I fight to forget.
Love me when I'm dry and distant.
Show me a mirror while I deride your name.
Let me see the hypocrisy that knows no bounds, just as much as I see Your love with no end.
Nothing I say will stand up, all will fall back into the mists of eternity.
Except your love.
The bedrock, the beginning, the end.
The only cornerstone, the one rejected because of self adulterated hate.
Be still my heart.
The pulsating fraction.
Blood flowing free within and without.
My love for you.
Never to recognize any of these,
just a burning feeling.
The desolate cold of knowing.
Shattered in thought.
Pulsate with life.
Wake, burn.
The words we speak to calm our sin.
Preach flowery words of hate to hide,
the lust, the pride all locked within.
Forget, forgive all for one side.
Comfort, confront all in one sense.
Thoughts, passionless, fruitless endeavors for self.
An orgy of self adulterated adoration.
Meaningless pleasure intermingled with an equally worthless rational.
Corrupted, busted, filtered, brokered self.
Buying and selling integrity with our esteem.
Bottomed out worthless trash of thought.
Skin upon skin upon sin upon that mindless grin without the taste,
the subtle hint of the irony possessed with a phony.
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