Tuesday, August 25, 2009
It's impossible for me to pick a favorite U2 album...but Achtung Baby is helping me quite a bit right now...
"Have you come here for forgiveness
Have you come to raise the dead
Have you come here to play Jesus
To the lepers in your head
Did I ask too much
More than a lot
You gave me nothing
Now it's all I got
We're one but we're not the same
We hurt each other, then we do it again"
"Have you come here for forgiveness
Have you come to raise the dead
Have you come here to play Jesus
To the lepers in your head
Did I ask too much
More than a lot
You gave me nothing
Now it's all I got
We're one but we're not the same
We hurt each other, then we do it again"
Honestly
I am lying when I say I'm okay.
That I am feeling great and that the pain isn't so bad today.
But I think it's a lie that will save my life.
One of the more bizarre, yet practical, things C.S. Lewis wrote about in 'Mere Christianity' is how if we have trouble loving someone then we should pretend that we do. We should make ourselves act like we love them and eventually out mind and heart will follow suite.
For better or for worse I'm trying to apply that to my situation...I'm going to keep pushing for all the medical treatment I can get, continual exercising, doing everything I can to eat better and maybe even figure out how to sleep at night.
However I will be saying I feel better.
That I have hope about the future and I'm excited about the non particular future plans of which I have.
It's lie too but it's an EXCITING lie.
How often do I get to say that?
I'm a dirty, rotten, sinful liar and I just giggled about it.
Screw you logic! I'm in pain but I'm feeling better! I am to the point I'm going to stab the next doctor that refuses to give me pain medication...but I'll stab them with a smile!
Yes!
Fibromyalgia my *inset appropriate profanity laced euphemism*!
If this is the WORST then I laugh.
Yes at you disease.
If this is the worse it can get then I am sad my body can't punish me more.
Ha.
Ha.
Ha.
Have I mentioned that I don't sleep much these days?
#_#
That I am feeling great and that the pain isn't so bad today.
But I think it's a lie that will save my life.
One of the more bizarre, yet practical, things C.S. Lewis wrote about in 'Mere Christianity' is how if we have trouble loving someone then we should pretend that we do. We should make ourselves act like we love them and eventually out mind and heart will follow suite.
For better or for worse I'm trying to apply that to my situation...I'm going to keep pushing for all the medical treatment I can get, continual exercising, doing everything I can to eat better and maybe even figure out how to sleep at night.
However I will be saying I feel better.
That I have hope about the future and I'm excited about the non particular future plans of which I have.
It's lie too but it's an EXCITING lie.
How often do I get to say that?
I'm a dirty, rotten, sinful liar and I just giggled about it.
Screw you logic! I'm in pain but I'm feeling better! I am to the point I'm going to stab the next doctor that refuses to give me pain medication...but I'll stab them with a smile!
Yes!
Fibromyalgia my *inset appropriate profanity laced euphemism*!
If this is the WORST then I laugh.
Yes at you disease.
If this is the worse it can get then I am sad my body can't punish me more.
Ha.
Ha.
Ha.
Have I mentioned that I don't sleep much these days?
#_#
Drought of Living Death
It's funny who you will hear from when you least expect it.
Jesus, what the Hell am I doing messing with this stuff? I'm not playing with fire...I'm sitting in gasoline and trying to strike the match.
Are you still a God of peace? Purpose? Understanding? The Infinite One who is not bound by the limitations of flesh and broken spirit?
Speak to me please.
What am I supposed to do now? What step do I take to get out of this disgusting tar?
I'm tired of feeling my heart slip out of my chest and getting caught by the rapid changing world...I can't take much more of this jerking back and forth.
Helter skelter, from the top to the bottom back to the top again...I keep falling down this path and I hate it.
I hate it.
God I hate this flesh and wish it would burn away. How can I accept failure when it burns like a cancer I want to cut out? When it sinks further into my heart twisting me into this ugly caricature that looks so much like you?
I hate this heart, I hate this mind and I hate this body.
What You made was made good but now it's ugly.
Just like you.
"That thing inside my ribs is like a pile of reptiles,
Pressed on splintered vertebrae, so cold, so claustrophobic,
Echoing in hollow fruit are orders sent with love to you,
To serve a will more shallow still than paramecium
I’ll bet your hands are beautiful,
I’m sure your head is beautiful,
But the world is ugly,
The world is ugly and it’s true,
I’ll bet your hands are beautiful,
I’m sure your head is beautiful,
But with world is ugly,
The world is ugly even after you
Invertebrates now contemplate your lavishing and humble service,
All set to hide behind the guise that this empty thing can’t hurt us,
Sensationalized for virgin eyes, it’s graphic, it’s disturbing,
And it’s worse still to think it’s real,
Degrading and unnerving"
-Showbread, "Welcome to Plainfield Tobe Hooper"
Let the bones crack as I scream out this song
when all I ever wanted was to see Your face.
The beauty I forgot.
The majesty I never knew.
I'm so tired.
It has been so many years.
How do people push on in this planet?
It is so dry, so ugly and barren. Nothing like the home we never knew we may have left.
Two years of sitting here.
Two years of feeling my flesh rot
and my soul decay.
Two years of the same song
and two years of no relief.
Am I coming full circle
or just realizing I'm trapped in Hell?
I hate this prison that I've made.
This has to die now.
Every last painful moment,
everything I have been afraid of,
every wall I have built
and ever hidden sin.
I'm full of more lies, more deceit and more hypocrisy then I could ever know...but where this Hell has burned away there is growing hope. Flourishing in the pain, there is a revival coming.
A revealing.
This skin will be peeled back and what is underneath shall be shone. No more false pretension, no more hollow words and more deceit.
Everything I ever was shall be seen and I'll stand here naked, letting the flaws of my life be revealed. I can't hid from myself forever...because the cracks and here and are growing by the second.
There is no end.
There has never been an end.
Just a transition from this point, this life to the next.
Beauty redefined in the face of light
Jesus, what the Hell am I doing messing with this stuff? I'm not playing with fire...I'm sitting in gasoline and trying to strike the match.
Are you still a God of peace? Purpose? Understanding? The Infinite One who is not bound by the limitations of flesh and broken spirit?
Speak to me please.
What am I supposed to do now? What step do I take to get out of this disgusting tar?
I'm tired of feeling my heart slip out of my chest and getting caught by the rapid changing world...I can't take much more of this jerking back and forth.
Helter skelter, from the top to the bottom back to the top again...I keep falling down this path and I hate it.
I hate it.
God I hate this flesh and wish it would burn away. How can I accept failure when it burns like a cancer I want to cut out? When it sinks further into my heart twisting me into this ugly caricature that looks so much like you?
I hate this heart, I hate this mind and I hate this body.
What You made was made good but now it's ugly.
Just like you.
"That thing inside my ribs is like a pile of reptiles,
Pressed on splintered vertebrae, so cold, so claustrophobic,
Echoing in hollow fruit are orders sent with love to you,
To serve a will more shallow still than paramecium
I’ll bet your hands are beautiful,
I’m sure your head is beautiful,
But the world is ugly,
The world is ugly and it’s true,
I’ll bet your hands are beautiful,
I’m sure your head is beautiful,
But with world is ugly,
The world is ugly even after you
Invertebrates now contemplate your lavishing and humble service,
All set to hide behind the guise that this empty thing can’t hurt us,
Sensationalized for virgin eyes, it’s graphic, it’s disturbing,
And it’s worse still to think it’s real,
Degrading and unnerving"
-Showbread, "Welcome to Plainfield Tobe Hooper"
Let the bones crack as I scream out this song
when all I ever wanted was to see Your face.
The beauty I forgot.
The majesty I never knew.
I'm so tired.
It has been so many years.
How do people push on in this planet?
It is so dry, so ugly and barren. Nothing like the home we never knew we may have left.
Two years of sitting here.
Two years of feeling my flesh rot
and my soul decay.
Two years of the same song
and two years of no relief.
Am I coming full circle
or just realizing I'm trapped in Hell?
I hate this prison that I've made.
This has to die now.
Every last painful moment,
everything I have been afraid of,
every wall I have built
and ever hidden sin.
I'm full of more lies, more deceit and more hypocrisy then I could ever know...but where this Hell has burned away there is growing hope. Flourishing in the pain, there is a revival coming.
A revealing.
This skin will be peeled back and what is underneath shall be shone. No more false pretension, no more hollow words and more deceit.
Everything I ever was shall be seen and I'll stand here naked, letting the flaws of my life be revealed. I can't hid from myself forever...because the cracks and here and are growing by the second.
There is no end.
There has never been an end.
Just a transition from this point, this life to the next.
Beauty redefined in the face of light
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