I...just do not...know.

The annoying part is not being able to express that which is unexpressed. To be forced to deal with what we have been given and nothing more.

Oh God, oh God.

What is it now?
What more drama?
What more heartbreak just to help others?
Will this cycle never end?

Even thought I want to keep screaming until I die from my lungs exploding, I just have to whisper how much I love you.

Hallelujah.

You alone are worthy of love.
Thank you for not leaving me here, even though it hurts so bad.
Even though I feel more confused then ever.
I want to try and wish the best for the rest of these
but God I'm so upset and angry for love.
Something I don't know how to accept I feel vile disgust towards those who find it and are able to cherish, because I'm such like a monster in that is unable to be happy for others or my own lot.

I'm greedy, too much, I'm just sinful, too much.

God I need you, this love, please.

Hallelujah.

No Candy Filled Center

What more have I to say?

I have screamed my throat raw and cried into soundless sobs.

Here it is, the vast circle of nothingness I'm staring into.

I won't lie and say I see more than what the truth is and what little I see is more than I ever wanted.

I need out, out of this way, out of this life, out of everything.

Silence for once.

No more responses, no more confusion, no more feeling my heart just rip itself out of confused agony. And, over what?

This.

This?

This.

My sincerity is so false that I am no longer aware of what I mean when I speak. All I see and feel is just the pounding in my skull that lets me know I'm still alive.

I want to dream, so badly.
So very badly.
I need to fly and just fly away.
Out of this house, out of this life and go anywhere.

Most of all, just to have these lies die.
To stop the bleeding from my ears and just lay down and let my tears carry me off to sleep, there is no comfort to be found for those who wonder with no end in sight.

Closed Hands and the Night

I'm running out of words to even try to express how it is I'm feeling inside. Feeling such a weak and pathetic soul attempting life through this broken and sickly body. Every last chance to make a move towards doing the right gets sidelined by my own utterly pitiful attempts at mimicking the divine, a right I've never had a chance to even understand.

But, God, Father, I just can't carry this anymore.

I never wanted any of these, I never wanted this burden, this responsibility.
This fucking pain on my shoulders.
I hate you.
I fucking hate you more then I can say.
I despise you for creating me, for piecing me together and for holding my hand every moment of this damn life.
I want to renounce ever having known you, I want to spit in your face and just mock your death on the cross as being pitiful and useless.
I want you to see me, to really see me for once.
See this pitiful wretch you wanted to serve you, that you picked from among the crowds.

Are you looking? Are you fucking looking once? Seeing just what the hell it is you made? Are you even paying attention you annoying fuck? Do you see it? Do you feel the pain in my heart? Do you see the Hell my mind goes through every fucking time I see pain? Every damn time I'm forced to see my own limitations? To have to look in that damn mirror and see the fuck up I am? Do you see it? Can you feel the glass cutting into my heart? The pain of knowing how much I love you but how human I am and how much pain that causes? Don't you see how much I despise being your creation? That I desire nothing more then oblivion so I would no longer be face with the horror of choice and life?

Can you ever begin to see?
Do you want to?
Do you ever fucking care?
I mean, we have had some fairly fucked up genocides lately, that you aren't doing anything for. Much less the hungry, those sicker than me both in mind, body and soul.

And what do you do?
Just what the fuck do you do anymore?
Where the hell are you?
Why can't you fix things?
Why won't you come back now?
End this uselss world?
Fix the hurts, fix all this overwhelming pain that no one can really see? Or feel? Much less give a shit about.
Why?
Daddy, Father, why? You say you love us but where is the love? I don't care about shitles trite little sayings put forth by these other fools.
I don't care.
I don't want their comfort, yours is the only one I want.
Yours is the only love I NEED.
You are the only one I need, but it hurts so fucking much, to just love you and not feel it back.
I need you. Can't you see?
Can't you hear these prayers in this dark room?
In this dark soul?
Coming from one so broken and jaded, unable to function.

Jesus Christ, I love you. I need you. I am nothing. I would renounce my humanity at once just to be with you. The maker of my soul and this body, my only hope, my only love, my only existence.

I've no use for words, for cliches, for all these meaningless books and tapes that serve to do nothing but try to reduce your infinite nature down to something human made and controlled.

Please, please, please remember. I don't know how much longer I can keep going on this path feeling alone, that no one can understand or want to understand me. I hate this world, I hate this road, I hate this path. I'm breaking down and it feels like everything inside of me is spinning out of control and ripping me apart further.

No amount of bullshit spouted by people is going to help me.
Only you can.
You are the only love I want lord, my love, my liege, my only one.
Move my soul to peace, break me into a million pieces just so we can be closer, I can't stand this distance and the burning tears it causes.
Can't you see what this love has done?
Has done and is doing to me?
The pain?
The apathy?
Fuck man, can't you see?
Do you care?
Where are you when this pain is going to drown me?
When all the fucking pills won't do a thing?
I can't think it out.
I can't take it.
I just need you, do you understand?

Every moment to pass, every second on this clock is just ticking this time away. Every moment a moment passing without you as close as you could be.
And this soul of mine just dies more.

Just dies by not being connected to the only source of life, of love and hope.

Oh Jesus, just let this die.

Let this all just die.

Severed Nerves

This audio static tickling in your ear
is one of the last life lines
holding me up
keeping me afloat
holding me up in this damnable
ocean that is bleeding red with every wave.

It's like every scream
with every breath
is never just enough
to keep things going
in any way but the one,
the very one I hate.

I can't loose this rage,
this anger at every failure
I see in the morning
every day I live.
Loosing the pain
means loosing my identity
of hatred towards
this beast,
this creature under my skin.
This fetid beast
that reeks of only Hell fire
and its rotten teeth.
Pungent, the smell of sulfur.
Overwhelming when it is this close,
close enough to see the endless white
and the limitless figure enshrined in it.

Take this hand,
if you will.
Take me soul too.
Lead me close
because I'm faint.
Every heart beat
is just fainter
than the last.

The compromise in my soul
cannot express the imperfect love
I hold for one so dear.

All I have are words
and acts of love
poorly disguised
unable to hide this
disgusting pride,
this lust for more,
this rage
this need for more
to own this world.
And be drunk off the high
and have nothing but this pain
to keep my company.
To rule in my rage and be lost
in everything possible
just so I'm spared
the agony of choice and freedom.

Quite honestly I hate you
for loving me.
I hate you for wasting blood on my soul,
I hate you for choosing me
when there was nothing left for me but you.
I don't want anything but to be hated,
reviled as the beast I see myself as
just so I can prove you wrong
and see you loose
and not have to deal with your pain
that is my pain
just because I can't control my tongue
and just be an adult
be a grown up and tell people
how much I can't stand this life
and the ways it always fails.
How shallow my love is
and how incompatible I am with this life.

I'm so tired of all these voices,
just begging for attention
and for my soul.
Yahweh, love, savior,
pull me from this false pretension
and such hollow and damned words.
Forgot me not
and let me burn forever
in this fetid fire.
House forever in this stench
and unbearable lies.

My weakness my friend
but here I need you.
I don't want this life
or this pain anymore.

Please remove this burning splinter
from my mind,
take this burning sword
out of my side,
let the poison flow freely from my veins
and let me die.
But only in Your hands.

"And The Smokers And Children Shall Be Cast Down" - Showbread

Sing with me child, as my ears are bleeding,
The dreams that have now seemed so fleeting,
Still your cradle, with no effort sways,
Where this monochromatic record is played,
And I’ll purse my lips and blow kisses goodbye,
It’s so easy if you never ask why,
My lungs will contract and give up a brief sigh,
Shall we say an appendage has finally died?

Or is it easier to go on with a smile,
With faltering ease, and talk for a while,
Words fall from your mouth and are lost on the floor,
And I can’t go on singing anymore

Oh the tale you tell, oh the web that you’ve spun,
And the salt that was sprinkled on the things you have done,
Makes the anger oh so sweet, makes the world fall at your feet,
Makes the pity that you pour over your head quite a treat,
So go ahead and cry, and go ahead and lie,
Begin every sentence that you vomit with “I”,
And then Jesus will forgive you, but oh what can I do,
To see if there’s enough forgiveness left for me

But in all of Israel, father did you see someone who seeks himself so perfectly,
The Pharisees would be content at the sight of me,
The snakes would wrap around me and we’d dance across the sea,
To ridicule you there and to spit upon your face,
Unsheathe this wicked tongue, and invite disgrace,
Isn’t that the goal that I’ve always pursued?
While I beg you, lord to be used for you

Under a light in Bethlehem I was sifting through the sand,
The saline burned my eyes, I was looking for your hand,
I gave up on myself, and left this pride disarmed,
I cried out “I’m alone!” and found myself in your arms

Rest in me oh my love,
I have loved you before the world began,
Rest in me oh my love,
You will never to wander too far to reach my hand,
Did they not murder you?
Did they not see you die?
Hanging on a tree as the life had left your eyes,
Did we not torture you?
Smiling as you died,
Or is it that you killed death itself, and now you are alive?

I won’t find you there, lying with yourself,
Sleep under a rock until your mouth is full of insects,
I won’t look for you, praying to your ceiling,
Swallow every snake and sing of your mistakes,
Put lipstick on your mirror,
Cry into your hands

Jeremiah 20

1-5 The priest Pashur son of Immer was the senior priest in God's Temple. He heard Jeremiah preach this sermon. He whipped Jeremiah the prophet and put him in the stocks at the Upper Benjamin Gate of God's Temple. The next day Pashur came and let him go. Jeremiah told him, "God has a new name for you: not Pashur but Danger-Everywhere, because God says, 'You're a danger to yourself and everyone around you. All your friends are going to get killed in battle while you stand there and watch. What's more, I'm turning all of Judah over to the king of Babylon to do whatever he likes with them—haul them off into exile, kill them at whim. Everything worth anything in this city, property and possessions along with everything in the royal treasury—I'm handing it all over to the enemy. They'll rummage through it and take what they want back to Babylon.

6"'And you, Pashur, you and everyone in your family will be taken prisoner into exile—that's right, exile in Babylon. You'll die and be buried there, you and all your cronies to whom you preached your lies.'"

7-10You pushed me into this, God, and I let you do it.
You were too much for me.
And now I'm a public joke.
They all poke fun at me.
Every time I open my mouth
I'm shouting, "Murder!" or "Rape!"
And all I get for my God-warnings
are insults and contempt.
But if I say, "Forget it!
No more God-Messages from me!"
The words are fire in my belly,
a burning in my bones.
I'm worn out trying to hold it in.
I can't do it any longer!
Then I hear whispering behind my back:
"There goes old 'Danger-Everywhere.' Shut him up! Report him!"
Old friends watch, hoping I'll fall flat on my face:
"One misstep and we'll have him. We'll get rid of him for good!"

11But God, a most fierce warrior, is at my side.
Those who are after me will be sent sprawling—
Slapstick buffoons falling all over themselves,
a spectacle of humiliation no one will ever forget.

12Oh, God-of-the-Angel-Armies, no one fools you.
You see through everyone, everything.
I want to see you pay them back for what they've done.
I rest my case with you.

13Sing to God! All praise to God!
He saves the weak from the grip of the wicked.

14-18Curse the day
I was born!
The day my mother bore me—
a curse on it, I say!
And curse the man who delivered
the news to my father:
"You've got a new baby—a boy baby!"
(How happy it made him.)
Let that birth notice be blacked out,
deleted from the records,
And the man who brought it haunted to his death
with the bad news he brought.
He should have killed me before I was born,
with that womb as my tomb,
My mother pregnant for the rest of her life
with a baby dead in her womb.
Why, oh why, did I ever leave that womb?
Life's been nothing but trouble and tears,
and what's coming is more of the same.