Wednesday, January 30, 2008
All I Want is You
Right now I am tired. I don't know if it is being sick, new jobs, stress, my life coming to an unexpected climax...maybe all of it but I am tired to my soul. It feels like I am almost sub human, that a part of myself has been lost in just trying to live life.
I'm fighting to keep my eyes focused and my mind working but it is hard right now. It is hard because I feel sick and this great distance exists between us. It is an incredibly difficult pain to have two hearts long for each other but to be separated by an impassible gulf, to know you but to still be looking for you at the end of the day...the fact we talk but at the end of the day things feel so cold.
I used to want a lot of things, a lot of shallow and stupid things that would have never made me happy in the first place. I can loose my band for good, loose my ability to write, forget who I am and as long as I have you I feel safe. If the last redeemable part of me died and you still stood by me I could go on forever.
I need nothing more.
It is really confusing because when I think a lot of it is done in emotions...aspects of comfort and discomfort, liking and disliking...so on and so on. I have such high mountains and low valleys, my emotions and thoughts traverse the entire world of emotion in seconds...it makes things harder to understand and comprehend.
I wish all of this could just be washed away. I am never going to be happy with what I have because I need more. I need more then any of these know, there is absolutely nothing that can make me happier beyond a fleeting second. They try hard and I appreciate the love when it is sincere but it is a fleeting wind that will go as soon as the sun dies.
That is why i need you. No one understands me, no one can understand me like you do. The words we speak, the feelings we feel, the infinite reach of your hand is more real to me then the cold green slips of paper this world loves to dance around. I see a need for your loving embrace while I do not think loosing the green paper would be such a tragedy anyways.
Can we have some degree of resolution? I think it may help me sleep at night. I know you promise to one day never leave it is the distance right now that is seriously killing me.
Interacting with people on a personal and deep level tends to frighten me the days I stop and think about it. So many thoughts and desires play through my mind and it makes me nauseous simply because I cannot keep track of so many items. You would possibly think that just making a decision to act would be easier then being caught in the lights of the self deprecating doubt but then again wouldn't it just be as easy to shoot up heroin to find relief too?
I know there right decisions to be made it is just hard to see the long range effect of some of the decisions. We can dance around this all day but at the end of the day I have no real clue of who you are or why you love me, why you even want to love me...but it in a way is okay. I am trying to learn to accept things but could you please come back, please?
Not for the first time I have to ask why...ask how long...say that I do not understand.
For what little it is sincerely worth, I love you.
I'm fighting to keep my eyes focused and my mind working but it is hard right now. It is hard because I feel sick and this great distance exists between us. It is an incredibly difficult pain to have two hearts long for each other but to be separated by an impassible gulf, to know you but to still be looking for you at the end of the day...the fact we talk but at the end of the day things feel so cold.
I used to want a lot of things, a lot of shallow and stupid things that would have never made me happy in the first place. I can loose my band for good, loose my ability to write, forget who I am and as long as I have you I feel safe. If the last redeemable part of me died and you still stood by me I could go on forever.
I need nothing more.
It is really confusing because when I think a lot of it is done in emotions...aspects of comfort and discomfort, liking and disliking...so on and so on. I have such high mountains and low valleys, my emotions and thoughts traverse the entire world of emotion in seconds...it makes things harder to understand and comprehend.
I wish all of this could just be washed away. I am never going to be happy with what I have because I need more. I need more then any of these know, there is absolutely nothing that can make me happier beyond a fleeting second. They try hard and I appreciate the love when it is sincere but it is a fleeting wind that will go as soon as the sun dies.
That is why i need you. No one understands me, no one can understand me like you do. The words we speak, the feelings we feel, the infinite reach of your hand is more real to me then the cold green slips of paper this world loves to dance around. I see a need for your loving embrace while I do not think loosing the green paper would be such a tragedy anyways.
Can we have some degree of resolution? I think it may help me sleep at night. I know you promise to one day never leave it is the distance right now that is seriously killing me.
Interacting with people on a personal and deep level tends to frighten me the days I stop and think about it. So many thoughts and desires play through my mind and it makes me nauseous simply because I cannot keep track of so many items. You would possibly think that just making a decision to act would be easier then being caught in the lights of the self deprecating doubt but then again wouldn't it just be as easy to shoot up heroin to find relief too?
I know there right decisions to be made it is just hard to see the long range effect of some of the decisions. We can dance around this all day but at the end of the day I have no real clue of who you are or why you love me, why you even want to love me...but it in a way is okay. I am trying to learn to accept things but could you please come back, please?
Not for the first time I have to ask why...ask how long...say that I do not understand.
For what little it is sincerely worth, I love you.
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