Showbread posting this is yet another reason why I love that band so very very much...
Wednesday, August 25, 2010
Medical Melodrama
The scans and the blood work revealed nothing.
The soonest that I can be seen by a specialist is September 21st at 8:40.
Now that I know how things are going to be...I can actually say with absolutely no sarcasm and complete sincerity that I am glad I was broken up with. I already put one girl through the Hell of having to deal with me while physically and mentally falling apart and being on the edge of insanity and loss of reason at times...I have little desire to do that to anyone else.
I thought I had already ran the gauntlet and been through the worst...I had figured out an exercise regimen and diet that I could uphold...still working on find mental and spiritual peace...but hey, one out of three isn't too bad for me...but...
Is this going to be the rest of my life?
Pain?
Contrary to popular thought it doesn't get better with time and no you do not get used to feeling like you are melting from the inside out. I can appreciate well meaning intentions but this...
Why do you keep prompting me with Paul's writing from Corinthians?
I know it was not coincidence she mentioned his writings on the phone this morning...and you keep sending this zarking passage to me:
"That experience is worth boasting about, but I’m not going to do it. I will boast only about my weaknesses. If I wanted to boast, I would be no fool in doing so, because I would be telling the truth. But I won’t do it, because I don’t want anyone to give me credit beyond what they can see in my life or hear in my message, even though I have received such wonderful revelations from God. So to keep me from becoming proud, I was given a thorn in my flesh, a messenger from Satan to torment me and keep me from becoming proud.
Three different times I begged the Lord to take it away. Each time he said, “My grace is all you need. My power works best in weakness.” So now I am glad to boast about my weaknesses, so that the power of Christ can work through me. That’s why I take pleasure in my weaknesses, and in the insults, hardships, persecutions, and troubles that I suffer for Christ. For when I am weak, then I am strong."
-2 Corinthians 12:5-10
What do I have to boast about?
Driving people away from me because of trying to do the right thing?
Being afraid of trying to work in churches because of being ostracized and further alienated for daring to actually read the Bible?
What am I suppose to do, thank you for pain that leaves me crying and breathless?
Am I supposed to humble myself and thank you for allowing me to suffer more than I thought I could?
I'm not Paul, I'm Matthew Pike. I'm not an apostle just a student who can barely handle attending church because of the anxiety. I'm not a messenger and I'm not even a writer...I am just me.
I don't know what else I can say.
Does it even matter?
I am scared.
I am in pain.
I don't know what to do.
I am afraid that I am never going to be better and that each day is going to continue this trend of being excruciating pain with no real results...no real progress.
And yet I still believe.
I can't put it all into exact words...or phrase things to my liking...but I still believe and just...you can take such horrible things and turn them upside down and make something good come out of it.
Even this pain.
Because I believe in you, I love you and need you.
When you were dead in your sins and in the uncircumcision of your sinful nature, God made you alive with Christ. He forgave us all our sins, having canceled the written code, with its regulations, that was against us and that stood opposed to us; he took it away, nailing it to the cross. And having disarmed the powers and authorities, he made a public spectacle of them, triumphing over them by the cross.
-Colossians 2:13-15
If you could take something as horrifying as your death on a cross...and turn it upside down and cast aside Satan and death...what could you do with this?
I am weak, so weary, so tired...so very, very tired...but could you please take this pain, take this fear, take this living nightmare...and make something beautiful of it?
"And I know it aches and your heart it breaks
And you can only take so much
Walk on
Leave it behind
You've got to leave it behind"
The soonest that I can be seen by a specialist is September 21st at 8:40.
Now that I know how things are going to be...I can actually say with absolutely no sarcasm and complete sincerity that I am glad I was broken up with. I already put one girl through the Hell of having to deal with me while physically and mentally falling apart and being on the edge of insanity and loss of reason at times...I have little desire to do that to anyone else.
I thought I had already ran the gauntlet and been through the worst...I had figured out an exercise regimen and diet that I could uphold...still working on find mental and spiritual peace...but hey, one out of three isn't too bad for me...but...
Is this going to be the rest of my life?
Pain?
Contrary to popular thought it doesn't get better with time and no you do not get used to feeling like you are melting from the inside out. I can appreciate well meaning intentions but this...
Why do you keep prompting me with Paul's writing from Corinthians?
I know it was not coincidence she mentioned his writings on the phone this morning...and you keep sending this zarking passage to me:
"That experience is worth boasting about, but I’m not going to do it. I will boast only about my weaknesses. If I wanted to boast, I would be no fool in doing so, because I would be telling the truth. But I won’t do it, because I don’t want anyone to give me credit beyond what they can see in my life or hear in my message, even though I have received such wonderful revelations from God. So to keep me from becoming proud, I was given a thorn in my flesh, a messenger from Satan to torment me and keep me from becoming proud.
Three different times I begged the Lord to take it away. Each time he said, “My grace is all you need. My power works best in weakness.” So now I am glad to boast about my weaknesses, so that the power of Christ can work through me. That’s why I take pleasure in my weaknesses, and in the insults, hardships, persecutions, and troubles that I suffer for Christ. For when I am weak, then I am strong."
-2 Corinthians 12:5-10
What do I have to boast about?
Driving people away from me because of trying to do the right thing?
Being afraid of trying to work in churches because of being ostracized and further alienated for daring to actually read the Bible?
What am I suppose to do, thank you for pain that leaves me crying and breathless?
Am I supposed to humble myself and thank you for allowing me to suffer more than I thought I could?
I'm not Paul, I'm Matthew Pike. I'm not an apostle just a student who can barely handle attending church because of the anxiety. I'm not a messenger and I'm not even a writer...I am just me.
I don't know what else I can say.
Does it even matter?
I am scared.
I am in pain.
I don't know what to do.
I am afraid that I am never going to be better and that each day is going to continue this trend of being excruciating pain with no real results...no real progress.
And yet I still believe.
I can't put it all into exact words...or phrase things to my liking...but I still believe and just...you can take such horrible things and turn them upside down and make something good come out of it.
Even this pain.
Because I believe in you, I love you and need you.
When you were dead in your sins and in the uncircumcision of your sinful nature, God made you alive with Christ. He forgave us all our sins, having canceled the written code, with its regulations, that was against us and that stood opposed to us; he took it away, nailing it to the cross. And having disarmed the powers and authorities, he made a public spectacle of them, triumphing over them by the cross.
-Colossians 2:13-15
If you could take something as horrifying as your death on a cross...and turn it upside down and cast aside Satan and death...what could you do with this?
I am weak, so weary, so tired...so very, very tired...but could you please take this pain, take this fear, take this living nightmare...and make something beautiful of it?
"And I know it aches and your heart it breaks
And you can only take so much
Walk on
Leave it behind
You've got to leave it behind"
My life can currently be described as being a cross between Pink Floyd's "The Wall" and Nine Inch Nails' "The Downward Spiral".
Good albums.
Not exactly my idea of a vacation however.
I am going to be so upset (ironically) if all this sickness is psychosomatic.
More pills.
More medication.
Childish?
Self deprecation is...the rest of me...I don't know...don't know...
I'm not happy...I don't enjoy being in bed taking pills and feeling pain.
That is something...I don't enjoy where I am at...I am just not sure where I am working myself towards...because I feel so...
Bah.
I can't even get coherent thoughts...focused...still so...confused...disoriented from medication and the call...this is reading like very horrible postmodern fiction...maybe I should just delete this, delete the blog and just put a picture of a kitten or something.
That would certainly increase the number of return readers.
Good albums.
Not exactly my idea of a vacation however.
I am going to be so upset (ironically) if all this sickness is psychosomatic.
More pills.
More medication.
Childish?
Self deprecation is...the rest of me...I don't know...don't know...
I'm not happy...I don't enjoy being in bed taking pills and feeling pain.
That is something...I don't enjoy where I am at...I am just not sure where I am working myself towards...because I feel so...
Bah.
I can't even get coherent thoughts...focused...still so...confused...disoriented from medication and the call...this is reading like very horrible postmodern fiction...maybe I should just delete this, delete the blog and just put a picture of a kitten or something.
That would certainly increase the number of return readers.
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