So much self destruction over someone who doesn't give a royal damn if I live or die.

I'm so so so tired.

Is this battle even worth fighting?

Dull Flickering Light

I believed so firmly in a lie that she became my whole world.

The price of my adultery against Jesus was for me to lose everything and even if I survive this I am not sure how I can ever heal fully.

Maybe in a year or two I will no longer think of her, wonder how she is, pray for her, cry over every stupid game/movie/song/damn thing that reminds me of her.

She was not real.

None of it seems to have been.

And yet...the only one to blame is myself for thinking I saw something when it is so obviously never was.

I was not played.

There was an opening for a role and I cast myself in it and believed every last of the lie till I needed to die.

Now the trick is remembering how to live.

Falling Out of Control

If I survive these legal battles something has to change. I realize my depression and fixation on death haven't hanged because wanting to die is what got me into this damn mess to begin with. 

What the hell is hope anyway?

Jesus, do you listen when I pray?

Does it matter that I pray?

This night seems to have no end.

Father I am terrified.

The shadows grow restless and I hear their cries in the night.

How can I hope?

What is love?

Where is faith?

I thnk that I think I want to believe.

And to hope.

I am falling.

Please catch me and stop me if there is hope in this life.

Otherwise just let me fall and let me reach terminal velocity.

If there is no hope to regain a normal life and be able to live life, grow and help others... I would rather fall to my death and be crushed by impact and bleed out.

Please help me have enough faith to have faith.