It is rather amazing that the number of problems I have that suspiciously vanish when I just sleep for a while.
If I ever get back on a regular eight hour sleep schedule I think I'll loose my poetry writing skills but I'll regain a slight semblance of sanity.
Oh decisions, decisions...
Monday, October 26, 2009
It's sad what depresses me and gets me into ruts and to how seriously I contemplate death and the nature of suicide.
This is all just so unnaturally silly and pointless.
I'm not a nihilist, life has meaning but everything people are getting so worked up about is meaningless...
Ecclesiastes is about the only wisdom book in the Bible I bother to constantly reread but the basic message is to love and fear God, do work you love and enjoy marriage.
That is it.
Love God, love people and stay busy.
Nothing else, no other expectations and God that is nice.
Because right now I just don't care.
I'm so sick of everything else and don't want to bother contemplating the absolute absurdity of what this all doesn't mean anymore.
I don't even want hugs or to be seen.
I want enough peace and quiet from the feelings of unexpressed internal agony long, freedom long enough so I can just finish why I'm here so I can lay down and go to sleep.
I want to go Home.
I can't stand being an outcast, this alien with no homeland...I'm a stranger who is only getting more lost and disconnected as the days go on.
Only a handful know of the Lover I speak of, only a few know what it is like to look up and realize you ARE standing in the hand of eternity and that hand loves you and died for you, died and lived again to fix the mistakes you made.
I need to know someone who feels it as deep, feels the agony of sin and know it's been washed away. I need someone to help me that loves Jesus more than they could ever hope to love me...I just need a reminder that despite the drowning feelings...that everything is going to be okay...I'm not the only one insane in this overwhelmingly dull and sane world.
I'm so sick of the hate, of the pain and all this useless trash.
This is all just so unnaturally silly and pointless.
I'm not a nihilist, life has meaning but everything people are getting so worked up about is meaningless...
Ecclesiastes is about the only wisdom book in the Bible I bother to constantly reread but the basic message is to love and fear God, do work you love and enjoy marriage.
That is it.
Love God, love people and stay busy.
Nothing else, no other expectations and God that is nice.
Because right now I just don't care.
I'm so sick of everything else and don't want to bother contemplating the absolute absurdity of what this all doesn't mean anymore.
I don't even want hugs or to be seen.
I want enough peace and quiet from the feelings of unexpressed internal agony long, freedom long enough so I can just finish why I'm here so I can lay down and go to sleep.
I want to go Home.
I can't stand being an outcast, this alien with no homeland...I'm a stranger who is only getting more lost and disconnected as the days go on.
Only a handful know of the Lover I speak of, only a few know what it is like to look up and realize you ARE standing in the hand of eternity and that hand loves you and died for you, died and lived again to fix the mistakes you made.
I need to know someone who feels it as deep, feels the agony of sin and know it's been washed away. I need someone to help me that loves Jesus more than they could ever hope to love me...I just need a reminder that despite the drowning feelings...that everything is going to be okay...I'm not the only one insane in this overwhelmingly dull and sane world.
I'm so sick of the hate, of the pain and all this useless trash.
Not Enough Time, Not for Now, Not for Later
Yeah I'm drunk on fear
and intoxicated with pain.
Trembling hands shaking
from the pending collapse.
I'm addicted to me
hoping for a collage of hope
while smirking the smile of cynicism.
I'm closing the curtain
the one that was torn
and take another handful of pills
as my vision fades back out
and the tremors return
and I return to the subject
that is always about me.
I got a note in the post
saying my old idols
they are getting jealous
and missing me,
wanting to know when
they can come back over for tea.
The golden calf of adultery,
the alcoholism I haven't developed yet
and my prejudicial hate all there
sending out love letters.
I don't sleep anymore
I gave it up
because of life
starting to call me out
on my religious bluffs
and the slight of hand
about my frailness
when it comes to this illness.
I hear the abrasive guitar
and the screams it matches in my soul.
I wanted mainstream success
to be a poet with the ages
and now I don't care.
Let it burn,
let this all burn down
to the sounds of nihilistic glee
that comes with the Knowledge of all knowledge.
I can't breath with the weight
pressing on my lungs
forcing the air out
as a prayer
and I want to be free
so sick of me
so sick of me
as I cry mercy
and for love
oh my Love.
What if I could reach
deep inside
and feel your heartbeat tonight?
Would you feel me,
could you hear my doubt
and feel the fear inside of me?
Would it strike you as funny
to know I'm more terrified
of happiness
than I ever was of this illness?
Burn my lips
and cut my tongue,
just take these words from me
and purify this mind.
Music can't tame the savage beast
barely held in check
right behind my breast bone
as I scream the profane
while clutching to promises
of a blessing
and God,
it is now or never.
The finite is calling out the infinite.
Crush me like an insect
or heal me.
Restore my heart
or blast me into nothingness.
I can't speak of a preference
because I don't care.
I'm too numb to care,
I'm too number to bother
because to me
death is just preferable
because I'll never speak sin,
I'll never break away from You
and never run again.
You see the coward I am
and the fool I've been.
How drunk off of fear
and how intoxicated I am by sin.
My soul is stretched,
too little over too much area
and Lover rescue me.
Save me or end me
it's all the same
from down here
in this hole
below the ground.
and intoxicated with pain.
Trembling hands shaking
from the pending collapse.
I'm addicted to me
hoping for a collage of hope
while smirking the smile of cynicism.
I'm closing the curtain
the one that was torn
and take another handful of pills
as my vision fades back out
and the tremors return
and I return to the subject
that is always about me.
I got a note in the post
saying my old idols
they are getting jealous
and missing me,
wanting to know when
they can come back over for tea.
The golden calf of adultery,
the alcoholism I haven't developed yet
and my prejudicial hate all there
sending out love letters.
I don't sleep anymore
I gave it up
because of life
starting to call me out
on my religious bluffs
and the slight of hand
about my frailness
when it comes to this illness.
I hear the abrasive guitar
and the screams it matches in my soul.
I wanted mainstream success
to be a poet with the ages
and now I don't care.
Let it burn,
let this all burn down
to the sounds of nihilistic glee
that comes with the Knowledge of all knowledge.
I can't breath with the weight
pressing on my lungs
forcing the air out
as a prayer
and I want to be free
so sick of me
so sick of me
as I cry mercy
and for love
oh my Love.
What if I could reach
deep inside
and feel your heartbeat tonight?
Would you feel me,
could you hear my doubt
and feel the fear inside of me?
Would it strike you as funny
to know I'm more terrified
of happiness
than I ever was of this illness?
Burn my lips
and cut my tongue,
just take these words from me
and purify this mind.
Music can't tame the savage beast
barely held in check
right behind my breast bone
as I scream the profane
while clutching to promises
of a blessing
and God,
it is now or never.
The finite is calling out the infinite.
Crush me like an insect
or heal me.
Restore my heart
or blast me into nothingness.
I can't speak of a preference
because I don't care.
I'm too numb to care,
I'm too number to bother
because to me
death is just preferable
because I'll never speak sin,
I'll never break away from You
and never run again.
You see the coward I am
and the fool I've been.
How drunk off of fear
and how intoxicated I am by sin.
My soul is stretched,
too little over too much area
and Lover rescue me.
Save me or end me
it's all the same
from down here
in this hole
below the ground.
"Truth is an arrow and the gate is narrow that it passes through,
He unleashed His power at an unknown hour that no one knew.
How long can I listen to the lies of prejudice?
How long can I stay drunk on fear out in the wilderness?
Can I cast it aside, all this loyalty and this pride?
Will I ever learn that there'll be no peace, that the war won't cease
Until He returns?"
He unleashed His power at an unknown hour that no one knew.
How long can I listen to the lies of prejudice?
How long can I stay drunk on fear out in the wilderness?
Can I cast it aside, all this loyalty and this pride?
Will I ever learn that there'll be no peace, that the war won't cease
Until He returns?"
A Night
It was a beautiful concert.
So much soul, so much spirit, so much power.
As of right now it's being rebroadcast for a second time and supposed to be for the next couple of days:
http://www.youtube.com/U2official
If you can watch this and still not like U2:
1.You are not trying very hard.
2.I think you lack anything that resembles taste.
3.I love you all the same but really now, beauty people! It's beauty!
I can't sleep.
As silly as the right thing may be some days...it's the right thing.
God knows I'm going to miss getting a morning wake up call from my beloved and beautiful Muse, to deliver news and inspire me to new challenges.
I don't know the future and doubt I want to...I don't know where I'm going just that I am going. I'll expire when I do and will fight to do the right thing until my last breath.
I'm trying to figure out who I really am...what it means to be an adult...what it means to be a real man...what responsibility I should have...what it is I'm going to throw myself into.
I only know I really do not know me as well as I thought I did.
God I want to burn with a passion to love and serve, I want to fall madly in love with who You are and with loving people. I'm sick to death of my selfishness and putting myself ahead of actual love.
Breath words of life into my mouth, stretch my heart and mind to the breaking part and just consume me with flames of love.
Show me the reality, the hope and the love that can be found.
If there are words I can speak, may the lovely Muse hear and take heart that hope prevails through the night.
So much soul, so much spirit, so much power.
As of right now it's being rebroadcast for a second time and supposed to be for the next couple of days:
http://www.youtube.com/U2official
If you can watch this and still not like U2:
1.You are not trying very hard.
2.I think you lack anything that resembles taste.
3.I love you all the same but really now, beauty people! It's beauty!
I can't sleep.
As silly as the right thing may be some days...it's the right thing.
God knows I'm going to miss getting a morning wake up call from my beloved and beautiful Muse, to deliver news and inspire me to new challenges.
I don't know the future and doubt I want to...I don't know where I'm going just that I am going. I'll expire when I do and will fight to do the right thing until my last breath.
I'm trying to figure out who I really am...what it means to be an adult...what it means to be a real man...what responsibility I should have...what it is I'm going to throw myself into.
I only know I really do not know me as well as I thought I did.
God I want to burn with a passion to love and serve, I want to fall madly in love with who You are and with loving people. I'm sick to death of my selfishness and putting myself ahead of actual love.
Breath words of life into my mouth, stretch my heart and mind to the breaking part and just consume me with flames of love.
Show me the reality, the hope and the love that can be found.
If there are words I can speak, may the lovely Muse hear and take heart that hope prevails through the night.
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