Prayer for Salvation

You win some.
You loose some.
And other times your mind runs ahead of itself and into tangents that were pointless to begin with.

Clarity.
Focus.
A deep breath.
The darkness of the soul thrives on the chaos embodied in confusion.
It is hate which seeks control.
It is rage at the injustice.
It is the Dark Ones in the shadows which seek to reach and latch onto my soul.

My anger is no resolve for holiness.
It merely opens up the floodgates to the evil around me.
The sonic explosion of my scream as I turn against you and beat my fists into your mind, into your soul and rip apart your emotional immaturity is nothing but the source of the villainy inside of me.

I talk an excellent game of spiritual hypocrisy as my soul instantly runs to rage at the second I loose my footing.

I seek my own will, I see my own path, I want the world, I want the mindless self indulgence and as soon as I receive what I beg for...I explode in rage. I sell my soul at a cheap discount price to this world's religious whores for useless change.

I hate all of you.

This world will burn with the fuel of my senseless and depraved ego.

And why?

So I might make a mark?

Rage, seething and useless rage.

Rage that I let consume my heart, like the cancerous lust that forms the base of my mindless addictions. None of you reading this will understand, can understand the processes of my mental faculties because it would require you to listen beyond what is comfortable.

I want to destroy the world with my rage.

But my desire is to burn this tower of Babel I built with my hands.
This profane and perverse altar of Baal that I am willing to cut my wrists and bleed over as a sacrifice.
I want to eradicate this altar to Moloch on which I sacrificed my childhood innocence and what was stolen from me by the bastard demons that I see mocking me from the shadows.

Rage.

Furious rage.

An exhaustive collection of self entitled redundancy that I cannot possibly explain because you will never bother to try and look to see things through my eyes.

I want to throw up, I want to be sick just so I can get this poison out of my system. I want a cure that will let me never hurt inside, that will deliver me from every emotional insecurity and make me invincible when it comes from this ever so false sweet words that were nothing more than lies contrived to fool me into believing in the fragile and useless human heart.

I want my rage, I want my wrath to have no end but ultimately I am just as useless as I am weak.

I lay in wasted pain as I throw up the poison in my lungs and I cry for help.
I cry because I do not know why I am angry.
Do I have a right to spit venom because I wear my heart on my sleeve?
Do I have right to wage war because I cannot control my mind?
Because I refuse to control my mind?
Do I have fair access to violence to use in destroying the evil in me?

Love is the only cure for this useless disease of hate that consume my body, my mind, my soul, my entire being...every breath I take is corrupted, every thought is weak and I lay down and simply cry.

I am lost without You.
Everything else is useless.
I wasted breath on useless things.
I cried out to You and need to be rescued.
I want to be cut out of this reality and returned to You.
I want to feel my spirit leave while it can, I no longer know why I have fought.
I just know that You are You and all I want.

Rip my desires away, tear away this torn soul that lays in tatters. I do not want to desire this anymore...I not longer want to feel the need for any intimacy outside of Yours. I don't want to be touched, I no longer want to feel...I just want to feel the full power of Your wrath against the sins I refuse to repent of.

Destroy me.
Smite my existence into nothing.
Bring me into the lower levels of Hell so I will no longer be.
Break apart every molecule, split every cell and divide every corrupted atom that composes my existence.

Destroy me before I spread the plague of my hate.

And rebuild me.
Create me anew.
Make me good, make me pure like only You can.
I can do nothing expect pray for solace, pray Your love endures my senseless pride.

I am lost about what to do.
My plans are nothing.
I am nothing less than a broken tool in a war against life.
Convert me.
Beat me from a sword into a plow-sheer.

I've seen everyone around as being part of some utterly useless game.
I've seen and felt emotions that were ultimately a part of nothing more than the false reality my mind created for me to live in. As soon as reality hits the cracks appear and blossom into this ugly red thing that is my blood pouring steady from the black lined veins.

I see the spider in my heart, the unholiness that seeks my will as its own.

I can't pray for You to forgive me Father because I knew, I knew going in the addiction and the hate I feel when things do not work. I know how useless and ultimately pointless every relationship, every connection is.

They leave or more often than not simply die.
It's the root of my insecurity, I want humans to last and to be God for me. I want to be treated like a child and feel my hand being pulled when all I have left is this soul, this beaten soul covered in mud.

Can You still clean me up?
Do You even want me still?
Why, why did You die for worthless scum like me?
Why did You create this disgusting race of humanity?
We're not even worth the dignity of being stepped on like a cockroach.
We have achieved nothing and will only succeed in killing ourselves faster by the second.

How are we made in Your image, when all we do is eradicate?
Are we just made to die?

Don't leave things as they are.
Don't let things remain.

Break me, destroy me, rip me asunder and make me a tool for You.
Make me something that will heal instead of destroy.
My life is worthless.
Save me, heal me or eradicate me before I take the task into my own hands.

I cannot be content with going halfway.
You know my heart and how much hurt I suffer from trusting and giving it away to things that never had a right to hold it. All I wanted was a perfect cherry blossom in a world that only burns and eats at the beauty in it.

I want to vent my venom and rage by ripping the demons apart with my bleeding hands. I want to fulfill my need for senseless hate by creating the next generation of broken.



Everything is spinning, falling and twisting out of control.

Jesus, Jesus, I know I'm not alone.
I know I have never been alone.
I know others will stand with me but it still hurts.
I feel isolated.
Like my soul is being eaten by cancer.
Please do not leave me here.
Give me my task,
send me now.
Do you not see the angst,
the anguish shredding my soul to pieces?
I want to love but I want to leave this Hell!
I hate it here,
I can't stand the feelings of isolation,
knowing I'm abandonment
and knowing these feelings will only worsen.
Jesus, this world is so fucked up.
All the innocents raped and murdered
and somehow,
somehow this is Your perfect will?

Hold me Jesus.
I only have You.
I will only have You.
I wasn't made to hug others
so please hold me.
Take me in Your arms,
give me a holy kiss
and purify me of me.
I want to give You me,
give You my soul all over again.
My body, my mind, my heart
and my everything.
Make this new day new.
Like only you can do.
Abba, Father, Lover
take this soul.
Forever and forevermore.

Quote of the Day - Part Two:

"The only enemy of art is taste."
-Thomas Hoving

I found this painful/embarrassing and yet a somewhat amusing look at stereotypes among the evangelical culture: http://www.stuffchristianculturelikes.com/

1 John 1

What was from the beginning, what we have heard, what we have seen with our eyes, what we have looked at and touched with our hands, concerning the Word of Life--and the life was manifested, and we have seen and testify and proclaim to you the eternal life, which was with the Father and was manifested to us--what we have seen and heard we proclaim to you also, so that you too may have fellowship with us; and indeed our fellowship is with the Father, and with His Son Jesus Christ. These things we write, so that our joy may be made complete.

This is the message we have heard from Him and announce to you, that God is Light, and in Him there is no darkness at all. If we say that we have fellowship with Him and yet walk in the darkness, we lie and do not practice the truth; but if we walk in the Light as He Himself is in the Light, we have fellowship with one another, and the blood of Jesus His Son cleanses us from all sin. If we say that we have no sin, we are deceiving ourselves and the truth is not in us. If we confess our sins, He is faithful and righteous to forgive us our sins and to cleanse us from all unrighteousness. If we say that we have not sinned, we make Him a liar and His word is not in us.

"In the Light" - dc Talk

"Day of Pigs" - Roper

Saturday
I could feet the crowd's dismay
They've acquired quite a fire
to burn the profane on a funeral pyre
Voices shrill
cutting silence like they mean to kill
Some pep rally where we scream His name
like God was loosing in a football game

I don't want to waste His name this time
I will never cast Him to the swine
(Grasping at some feeling you once knew
is nothing sacred ever safe with you?)

Silver tongues
all the spirit of an iron lung
Selling highs as if we needed one
Flash the lights so not be outdone
Counterfeit
wanting joy so much we take a hit
like a tapeworm deep in hunger digs
Waste the sacred just to feed these pigs

I don't want to waste His name this time
I will never cast Him to the swine
(Grasping at some feeling you once knew
is nothing sacred ever safe with you?)

If this is real, then you must find it
between the space of grace and grim
It's nothing you can manufacture
your walls cannot contain Him

"We Are to Follow" - Blindside

Fire Encasing my Soul

I feel You tonight,
just tonight
I hear that voice
that called me,
called out to me at creation
speaking unspeakable wonders
as I drifted alone,
never knowing a soul,
never knowing I was made
just made for something so much more.

I'm drunk off our love,
the grace that bought me
the mercy that saved me
I'm casting about
with no footing
praying I find You
at the end of this long night.

This closer to death
I never felt more alive
hearing You call
and feeling the touch
knowing this world is crashing
and soon,
so very soon the veil of the sky
will be ripped back
and torn in two
just like in the temple
and no more will we cry alone,
no more hurt
no more disease.

No longer will we feel alone
but this divide
that seemingly was eternal
will be cast aside
and Love,
perfect, pure, infinite Love
filling my sight
and filling me
with such love
that I'm drunk again.
I can't stand,
move or talk,
I lay here overwhelmed
knowing that,
knowing what it means
to be forever loved.

Could someone please explain why I have had Abba's song "Dancing Queen" stuck in my head for two and a half weeks?

Aww shucks...someone quoted ME on facebook. ^_^

Quote of the Day:

"If one does not know to which port one is sailing, no wind is favourable."
-Seneca

Old Thoughts, Fears Beloved Run Amuck

I have such a way of viewing things...that I am surprised I have as many relationships as I have.

Am I not being true to myself?
Or to Jesus?

I don't like to offend people but my Love is something I will never compromise on...I can't stand the thought of how my sins have caused so much infinite pain...so I refuse to see out my Love just to make life easier.

I want to love like I never have been able to, I want to change so I can be more of a light to the world...I want to go Home so badly but I'm here for a reason...I'm so tired, my body aches so completely and my soul is exhausted...Father, give me strength to run this race.

I want to give up, I want to quit, I want to simply lay down so my body can give up this spirit and allow me freedom.

I want to be taken from this shell and brought to You.
I want to touch You.
I am a man of unclean lips, my ways have never been Your ways, I am no better than my fathers, I deserve so much worse...and yet You have rescued me from this Hell. You have lifted me out of this mud, You have wiped my soul clean, You have forgiven me of a multitude of sin.

How can I begin to respond?
In fear, holy terror of Your infinite love and how You can easily save as destroy me, how You forgive me as You hold me.
Thank You for never making salvation performance based, thank You for choosing me, for loving me, for saving me...God, Jesus, thank You so much...thank You so much.

I feel hope in my chest, in between the moments of pain and fear...I feel such vivid hope.

In the middle of this dark night, in the middle of my pains You take me, You break me, You love me, You complete me.

No human can do this.
No woman, no friends, no nothing, nothing at all can make my soul burn like You do.
I'm a fool for never realizing how desperately I'm in love with You and will be the rest of my days.

It feels foolish but I wish to dance, I want to loose myself in this live, I want to die so I can live again in You...I want to see Matthew Pike die and vanish for good and just this old man be gone so You can remake me.

I'm tired of the old sins, I'm tired of being human, I'm tired of being so sick, I'm so very exhausted from being human. I want to be new, I want to be made clean.

Please.

There is no one like you, there never could be, You are so beautiful, so perfect, so beyond any comprehension.

Saying You are love is an insult, saying you are grace and good are never enough...You are so beyond anything I could imagine.

You first went to that nine year old kid to save him...and then you called that frightened fourteen year old to serve You.

Why?

I can't pretend to understand it...I can't.
I want to...but as always Your beauty and mystery elude my feeble mind.


I want to lay here...and just breath deep while I can.
Take this hate away, take away my fear.
Be my vision, my sight, my hands and feet.
Cleanse me like only You can.
Dear Jesus, love me like only You can oh Lover,
hold me close and teach me what it means to love.

At least my old, albeit psychotically moody, cat won't judge me.

He just uses me for food, water and shelter.

In exchange he glares at me and complains.

So...yay.

Ah conflict...you had to come back...didn't you?

This whole health thing is driving me crazy...one minute I feel amazing and the next I'll feel as though I have been ran over by a metaphorical truck that forget that it shouldn't exist in reality.

And...most people confuse me.

There are only a handful of people I trust...some I'll never understand how they worked under my skin and armor...but they are there for better or for worse.

I'm not complaining, at least I do not think I am trying to complain.

I want peace, I need hope and I'm lost without Your love oh Lover.

Temporal human love baffles me...I don't understand the intrinsic draw that makes people wish to commit to something that they know is doomed from the start. There is a selfish part of me that wishes the only fellowship I was created for was with God...that way I could avoid all of these awkward and painful moments with people.

Hugs hurt because they are fading, temporal symbols that won't endure the night. They aren't made to...and so the problem is partly mine for putting the desire for the eternal on things so temporal.

Do people even stop to think what Heaven is?
No more division from God, pure love with no bound as we are brought close to Yahweh.
I can think of so many pointless and trivial that feel like they just burn away in the presence of the Father.
It's a terrifying thought of being united with the Holy one who knows no sin, who destroys everything unclean out of holy and just wrath, knowing that nothing I can do can make Him love me more or less...and I can just go on because there is just so much good mixed with fear.

He isn't a tame Lion, He is fierce and beautiful.

I want to love so deeply that everything else becomes nothing, the rubbish and trash it is.