Writing Without

Writing is almost like I'm trying to work at saving my soul.
My mind is so out of sync with life, love and liberty.
I'm here and there and everywhere.
I want to run free in an empty field of Your love.
I want to dance close enough to feel Your heartbeat.

Every day feels more distant than the last.
I have these incredibly intoxicating high points followed by falling deep into the depths of despair and pain.

Who are You?
Who am I?

I am me.
Just me.
Writing to understand.
Asking questions to learn.
Begging for more because I'm so needy.
A lovely looser of a sinner I am.
Looking in this pale silver and trying not to forget my face.
But trying to learn from You.

All I am certain of is this doubt and failure but this Love...this intoxicating Love is something I am addicted to. I want to share it, I want to live it...I want to be immersed in and breath You every second of my dying life...I want to pass from this world of shadows and into Your Light now...I want everything out of focus to fade away and only Your face become clear.

I am not wanting to fight for me.
Can I take a backseat to You?
Or is that just another sin?
To pretend I am not an individual so I can hide in fear?

I want to be immersed in this intoxicating love and write and be free.
I hate this distance.
I want to feel my Love.
I can't stand knowing we're divide by this ocean.
First it was by my sin.
Now it is this vast ocean of temporal time that must evaporate before I can be with You.

Who I am, who I am becoming I do not know...I am afraid of seeing me because it means responsibility.

Is going to Mobile the right decision?
My soul is exhausted from not being able to serve.
I need rest from this toxic place.
I wish to never return.
I want to go Home.
I want to feel the dying sunlight on my back and know I am walking into the eternal Love of which I can scarcely dream.

I know You but only barely.
I have pledged my soul and this life to You...but I do not even know what that means anymore.
I want to stand where I am supposed to.
I'm...tired, scared, without and so...so empty and in need of Your love.

I feel it surging through me...every second, every last bit of life...everything I ever wanted and felt.
I don't know but I do...

It is like the best excuse I could come up with me...was to feel as though I am nothing.





I am leaving for Mobile...I am going to leave before I'm thrown out.
I have to fight for the future that I am looking into...
I am afraid, so much afraid my Love, almost terrified.
But I refuse to lay here and die.
I could.
I have almost ended it before and I could.
But I want to life.
I'm not going to leave yet, until You carry me home I will fight until I die.
It is a struggle to smile, it is hard to find the joy and good but You are here.
Until my heart stops beating I will stand because You told me to.
Can you please prop up my weak hands, this diseased body?
Hold me tight and show me where to go.

"Zooropa" - U2

"Gloria" - Brave Saint Saturn

"Gloria, in excelces deo.
Glory, gloria.

Too weak to wonder,
too tired to care,
Jesus Christ, are you really there?
I've fallen down,
Can't pull myself back up.
I'm going to drown, have mercy,
Have mercy.

I need you now,
Not words or a feeling.
But Jesus Christ,
I've hit the ceiling.

Your love,
Your mercy,
Your light unending.
Your hope,
Your peace,
Your strength my heart is mending."

1 Corinthians 1:18-21

"The Message that points to Christ on the Cross seems like sheer silliness to those hellbent on destruction, but for those on the way of salvation it makes perfect sense. This is the way God works, and most powerfully as it turns out. It's written,

I'll turn conventional wisdom on its head,
I'll expose so-called experts as crackpots.
So where can you find someone truly wise, truly educated, truly intelligent in this day and age? Hasn't God exposed it all as pretentious nonsense? Since the world in all its fancy wisdom never had a clue when it came to knowing God, God in his wisdom took delight in using what the world considered dumb—preaching, of all things!—to bring those who trust him into the way of salvation."

Only a Soulless Machine Resides Here

Oh Lord, could I be more sick of me?
Every little message
heart beating heart
as I'm waiting to see?

It's like everything here
is just blinding
gouging out my mind's eye
while my heart longs
and longs for something more.

I need,
my soul
my being
every last part
every corner of my soul
screams for you
in the midst of this storm,
I stand here
being torn at
and feeling my skin ripped
as I cry your name
not knowing
not feeling
not caring
about what may come.

Without You
I am without
and I can't even feel,
my heart skips beats
and always falter,
it's only You
that redeems
that saves
that loves
and everything
that everything I am
can only be found
and resounds in You
and You alone
my Love.

"The Fear of God" - Showbread

Quote of the Day - Part Two:

"An SEP is something we can't see, or don't see, or our brain doesn't let us see, because we think that it's somebody else's problem.... The brain just edits it out, it's like a blind spot. If you look at it directly you won't see it unless you know precisely what it is. Your only hope is to catch it by surprise out of the corner of your eye.

The technology required to actually make something invisible is so complex and unreliable that it isn't worth the bother. The "Somebody Else's Problem field" is much simpler and more effective, and "can be run for over a hundred years on a single torch battery."

This is because it relies on people's natural predisposition not to see anything they don't want to, weren't expecting, or can't explain."

-Ford Prefect, Douglas Adams "Life, the Universe and Everything"

Quote of the Day:

"This is why for thousands of years Christians have found the cross to be so central to life. It speaks to us of God's suffering, God's pain, God's broken heart. It's God making the first move and then waiting for our response."
— Rob Bell

Building Babel on Your Back

I'm trying to climb Babel.
All I have are these machines
all I hear is this noise.
I'm trying to find purpose
and trying to find meaning
just so I can close this heart down.

I'm trying to climb baby
and find out who I am.
Looking for who you are
and trying to see what I can find.
No map,
no religion,
just bare instinct
bearing out a lost cause
as I fall and falter
while seeking shelter.

I want to be called a liar
and hear these tongues speak
and be heard about the crowd.
I feel the whisper in my soul
as we walk across this platitude
and you know that I know
just these conversations
are worthless
as a broken wheel
and this cog in your machine.