Oie.

Psalm 47

"He chose the Promised Land as our inheritance,
the proud possession of Jacob’s descendants, whom he loves."
-Psalm 47:4

Reading through the Psalms...is sort of frustrating.
I feel even more obligated to praise You...even when I do not want to.
Is that horrible?

I just...wish I was not hurting, aching, feeling melancholy and sad over losses...

Yet...You know what YOU are doing...I have on clue as to what is going on...or what it even means to show love. I am shallow, so short sighted, so self obsessed and apathetic towards those in need of help...but You are beautiful and still making me beautiful.

You have always known my broken nature and every drop of sin permeating my soul..and yet there is love. Such endless beauty, grace that pierces this heart of stone...to say thank You feels like such an incredible understatement to One as magnificent as You.

Thank You for making me, for having a plan for my life...that this is not just a random collision of cause and effect...but that Love is the overarching theme...as painful and impossible to understand as that truly is.

More than a plot of land...You have a place for me...I want and need Your rest so very much...not just being pleased with the little drops that life gives then takes away...but the peace that comes only from Your grace.

You see the hollowness in my heart and have made me lovable...help me to show that love to You and others...I want to be faithful at the task before me. No matter the pain, the fear or how the end shall come...help me to not just endure but overcome.

Please.



"This vacant emptiness,
this hollow is eating
stabs through my side like thorns, so defeating
The glint of gold, sparks of silver, shining
the slightest breath of why we're pining
We take the crumbs like our hearts are at peace
We are far too easily pleased

Quicksilver, quicksilver
Shadows dodge and fade
something less than why we're made

I need this burning inside me
this brilliant aura, this electricity
I'm being haunted by specters of what might be
of imperfections, of nearness to beauty
As life butchers, so sweet yet so sickening
we have betrayed, for each tiny flickering"

Turns out I'm a narcissist!
Hooray!

I could lie and say a simple hi would suffice...but it would never be quite enough...

Oh well...still praying for some true resolution outside of simply awaiting the end of this age.