Am I a Sell Out?

I just helped a friend in a anthropology class by filling out a survey about my thoughts and beliefs on death, Heaven, Hell, eternity and God.

It sucked because I had to put a limit on my words.

I do not think I did an adequate job in trying to express Jesus' love for us...and I just...that is the only thing that keeps me running. The One Thing that means everything to me and I cannot really put it into adequate words.

I can't describe love, eternity, hope, peace, Jesus and...all of this in the words I want to use.

I mean, I understand people being worried about going to Hell...but what about those already living this life spent in Hell? They do not feel the presence of God, they do not have clean drinking water, they are dying of cancer or AIDS...I mean...I just think it is possible having our focus on million dollar evangelism campaigns while neglecting the hungry and cold is being negligent.

I do not feel comfortable going up to random strangers and telling them Jesus loves them because they do not know me or have had a chance to see the Jesus inside of me. I have been told by God to talk to people and tell them about Jesus and it was weird...and strange how eternity can come to a head in such a vivid way...but I almost feel that is the exception and not the standard...for me at least.

Truth be told...I just am selfish and want to run away.
If God gave me the option I would leave all of you right now.
I cannot begin to express the ache in my soul that comes from being apart from my Love and how the only time life makes sense is when I feel that...presence of love. The Lamb whispering and speaking softly to my soul.

That is what eternity will be.
Being with my Love and having my vision cleansed from the lies I tell to justify myself.

My personal Hell is overcoming the lies that life does not matter and has no meaning. That I do not matter and have no meaning.

Studying and learning about so many horrifying things in life...genocides, murder and people being ripped apart by life...I do not understand why I am whole at all and why I am alive when so many are not.

I feel the need to justify my existence, to somehow explain why it is ME who lives and not a thousand others.

Thanks be to Jesus who puts us all on equal footing.
I do not love tradition or religion...I love God and feel such pining in my heart for peace that I will never be able to put into words.
I do not know what I believe about everything but I know I am clinging so desperately to Jesus and the love he bore with a cross.

The blood that forgives and cleanses my soul...that makes life so much more beautiful.

I am going to make an effort to stop trying to understand everything...and try to be grateful...for this love. Maybe it's the wrong choice but...I want to feel this peace...I want to know what it means to feel the Love that reaches through eternity course through my body and soul.

Everything is dying...and I'm ready to feel it more...more...more...

It's all I need, the only thing I understand and the only thing I can and will.

Base Elemental

Impression,
feeling and falling.
So many half formed lies
reaching out
to devour sanity
and rearticulate
just what it means to be human.

Frost in the frozen grass cuts
and makes moving out of this place
just more and more difficult
and I'm so sick
of this all being made
and defined
simply by your whims.

There is some logic
some sort of
meaning to be found
but the more I hear
the less I believe
and the more I carry
the harder it is to live today.

I'm ready for it all to catch flame
and burn away.
The temporal burned to its base elements
and so I can see
and be gleeful
and know,
just know
how false
and how pretentious
this facade always was.

I want to know the villian behind the curtain
and see how human evil is,
to see the unseen shadows of my soul
and know the one I'm afraid
is the image on the wall,
the silvery glass
that only shows the lies we show it
and then I can begin to know,
just know how little I know
and start to realize
I am lost.

And what it means
to be stripped down
and have my soul
be freed from this
frozen burden.

I want to know what it is like
to see my soul cut open
and have the bare elements,
the base of who I am
just float to the top.

Every second apart
is killing me
and I loose touch with life
while wanting
to dream
and loose this discord.
While I want to close my eyes
and leave behind strife,
the lies of every commercial
and I want to loose this all.

Loose everything
and sink back into Your arms.

Actual effort takes so much energy.