"So very alone,
So far from home.
He has no home,
he is alone."

It's like...I can reach everything I want...except...'that'...that one thing out of reach...that I'm unable to manipulate myself to...or steal...or destroy out of jealousy.

Sometimes I think life would be much more easier if I was blind to this...need...this line of thought...God...this pain even...vividly...it is there.

God just let me throw up already and get it over with.

I don't like feeling...

Moonlight, Midnight

Midnight.
Pale Moonlight.
You are but a mere reflection,
burning not of yourself
but by the means of another.
Barren motion bathing this land,
casting soft lies,
pale reflection upon a visage of pale reflection.

I walk this land in knowing,
truth in absolutes
with reality bound by constructs
limited in interaction and truth.

I speak in pale parables
seeking embellishment of my life
when all I've ever spoke is lies
and all I have done is stumble.

Messiah, little Lamb,
doth my words fall on deaf ears?
Love via pain,
Shams revealed in pale moon light
and all I have ever said is held tight.
False solace I have found in this pale moonlight
and in your eyes I see a growing fire.

Fire burning.
Fire of resolved.
Fire of love.

Moonlight is the reflection,
a pale imitation seeking salvation
never knowing
it is locked forever in eternity's embrace,
elliptical and repetitious,
endless in pursuing itself.

It is these eyes,
this fire that warms my cold blood.
This love that awakens a soul
that was forever lost
in this pale cold light.
Heated only by dying coals,
silence spreading this ill boded plight.

It was these eyes that gave me hope,
You are the One who gave breath to these lungs
and whose love
causes this heart to beat twice as fast
whenever You pass by.
What fragments remained
You gathered and held.
Mending,
Loving,
Restoring,
giving and rebirthing
this frail life.
Peeling back layer after lie
and remaining faithful
despite my frailty
and the fragility of this Heart.

You broke this stone,
You ripped aparts the curtain,
severing the grand lie
and crossed this impossible ocean.

All while pale moonlight bathes the ground,
reflecting the grass
and in the water.
But it is Your eyes I see,
the fire that brought me to life,
once again.

*sigh*

I'm supposed to love you...to forgive and support you...but of everyone of everything that has happened...I hate you the most.

I despise you...death would never be sufficient for a worthless waste of human life that you are in every moment of every day.

Your continual existence is a plague, a splinter in my mind that will never let me rest.

Goodness...I miss my muse...

beautiful music

Red Heart Deficient

I am this incessant drip
I am the lonely creep
I am the tears you never weep
and I am the every subtle rip
being a tear in your soul.

Every single slip of the soul
letting you know
that this hole
letting the voices fall and echo
reverberating through your vertebra.

Echo and scream
just letting you be
swallowed pride
and false dreams.

I'm sick, sick
so very sick.
Your voice chills my spine
and the lipstick
just makes sick.

Red in sight,
red in mind
with little thought to go.
White clouds,
pale lace of the divine
just make life
this life
so much more of a decline.

Sick,
so very sick.
I'll never know these words
because my mind is stolen,
just like my heart being blurred
and these false words that never begun.

I can hide in this crevice
and pray You pass by,
destroying all of this
passing by in Holy fury
and letting Your voice,
still and silent
just pass by.

Just for the record,
I hate what this has begun
what this all has become.
What good, what may be worth it,
I haven't seen.
This insufficient life
is not enough exchange for the pain.

I am.
I am me.
Neither saint nor demon.
Simply me.

Good God where does it end?