Psalm 145

"The Lord is righteous in everything he does;
he is filled with kindness.
The Lord is close to all who call on him,
yes, to all who call on him in truth.
He grants the desires of those who fear him;
he hears their cries for help and rescues them.
The Lord protects all those who love him,
but he destroys the wicked."
-Psalm 145:17-20

Righteous?
Justice?
Judgment?
Grace?
Fear?
Religion?
Salvation?

None of these terms mean anything to me right now...I don't need a cosmic deity that holds all of creation in the palm of his hand. I need a Father, a Love who will not abandon and leave me here. That will never grow tired of me or decide I wasn't the best thing available...but sees me for all of my disgusting imperfections and still loves my broken and sinfully needy self.

I cannot do it.
I have tried and I can't.

I hurt too much.
I am human and so needy, so broken...so imperfect and wanting you close again.

I need the Man of Sorrows mentioned in Isaiah 53...the Lover from the Psalms and Song...the man Jesus in the Gospels who carried my sin and bore the wrath of God for me...I need to feel the rough arms of a loving Daddy who has lived through this Hell called life and will hold me until I am okay.

I just...miss the closeness...the intimacy of your spirit burning in my heart, the peace beyond understanding that no matter the Hell you were with me always.

So tired, so worn down from the pain...I just want to lay here in this darkness...just lay in this grace and float to whatever distant lands you are calling me to...

Thank you, thank you for caring...for loving me...thank you.

...I cannot help but pause and look at the utter ridiculousness of all of this.

All of it.

Really?
Yes, really.

So asinine.

Quote of the Day:

"Try to exclude the possibility of suffering which the order of nature and the existence of free-wills involve, and you find that you have excluded life itself."
-C.S. Lewis