Quote of the Day:

"The pain I feel now is the happiness I had before. That's the deal."
-C.S. Lewis


My mother actually reminded me of this quote earlier...I'm not sure if she intended to be profound...but the idea of the change of relationships being so much like that of death...just struck me as being more true than I could realize.

It is a death of some sort...one might even say like a seed going into the ground or a caterpillar weaving a cocoon to live in.

There is the reciprocation that occurs with relationships...the more we invest our time, energy, love, passion and desires into it...when it ends is the greater the pain we experience.

It's the trade off we receive for such things.
The grander the passion, the greater we will suffer when it inevitably has to end.
There is nothing that will survive this world unscathed.
Especially something as pure as love.

All the philosophy, wisdom and theology do absolutely nothing to console me in my pain. I pray, I cry out and receive no answer...I thought it was something of God...but it was not. Quite clearly the one sided misery I suppose would be enough to illustrate that...

I just do not understand this.
People are so utterly confusing and every time I think I understand something and simply take it for granted there is this explosion.


I want so desperately to be right about it...for things to work...but what is the point?

Quite clearly if it wasn't worth fighting for...worth striving for, worth dividing Hell and Heaven over...then it wasn't love. Or at least love from how I understood it, felt it, experienced it, breathed it in, devoured it, drank it in...not just emotions, not just a mental exercise...but this all encompassing shaking of my soul.

I felt my soul tremble before God...and before her.
Maybe it was something I had built up in my head...but I do not think so.
There was something...beautiful, wonderful, amazing, breath taking...wonder beyond wonder...awe-inspiring awesome.

I started to understand WHY and HOW marriage in and of itself could illustrate the furious longings of God for us...the weakness, the power, the pain, the wonder...all of it, all of it, all of it...



I refuse to die over this.
My soul has been hurt.
I feel as though it has been stabbed deeply and an infecting poison is flowing throughout it.

That is why I write.
I write to preserve what little sanity I have left.
I have to write the thoughts that come out...I like knowing others read but ultimately if I was the last person alive I would still be writing, typing, putting words everywhere.

I don't understand what happend.
I still feel as though I was hit by lightning.
Ran over by a van.
Shot by something annoying.

There is an irritation in my soul with no relief.
And I do not know if I seek the cure.
I can't listen to the majority of my music now because it has changed meaning.
I no longer view it in the same light.
I can't.
I thought, I felt, I saw and now no longer.

Why?
That is the perennial question with no resolution.
I guess it has no meaning and doesn't matter if it is answered.
God responded to Moses and Job by saying "I Am".

Jesus mentioned to me while I was driving today that he knows what it is like to not have love or affection returned...not that I am trying to pull my own needless messianic tendencies but...all the pain, all the pleasure...everything that is here and there...are reflections of what is to come and what has always been.

I doubt.
I fear.
I have pain.
More pain than I feel I can ever bare.
More emotion than I ever wanted.
My tears are not wiped away and they are my food and drink.


Such beauty.
Such grace.
Such power.

I mentioned having the power to destroy this soul...I overstated that madam, but barely.

A Wishing Well

Potent thoughts
playing at mixing metaphors
with proverbs
under a twilight sun.

To pretend to be other than myself
would result in a poorly made tapestry,
when all I wish is to spin a tale,
talking of truth
and many more convenient lies.

Murky water filled with grains,
possible versions flitting in the light
as I hope
just hope to be true
and...

The problem is that I deny joy
or wish for pain
it is my place here,
within the shadows
where I am forced to parlay.

The memories,
facades playing out on the wall
are my weakness,
these simulated
and faltering caricatures.

I have pain as my drug
but I am never coming down
because of the sin.

I can't pretend these rusted coins matter
because they are my memories,
flickers of shiny metal
in red light
as everything fades from view.

All opinions
deep thoughts
that make me want to scream
because I want to stop
and no longer feel.

I just do not understand.
It doesn't process
and sadly
I can only lie
just a bit more.

I thought I knew.
I swore I understood.
But the times have changed
and everything
has been pulled out
and I am falling,
wind in my hair
arms out
as I pray
seeking,
looking,
hoping,
for whatever may
just may be.

Seriously God?
Do you just happen to keep hitting the 'spite' button next to the 'smite' button?
Blargh.

Just...bargh.

Margh.

I really want to kick something.
But I don't want to break a toe.

The whooshing noise is me kicking the air.
Incredibly angrily.
Very angry air kicks.

Well that stabbing pain hurts.
*sigh*

I have prayed.
Beaten my body to death with exercise.
Still feel nauseated.
I just...don't know what to do.

I just a piece of hair from my cat fly off my computer keyboard and it was almost enough to make me cry.

I quite clearly have some issues.

However...I don't know what to do...

I wish I had someone to watch Doctor Who with right now...it is so emotional and insane that I just can't stand watching it by myself.
Lame as that is.

"So let us come boldly to the throne of our gracious God. There we will receive his mercy, and we will find grace to help us when we need it most."
-Hebrews 4:16


"And so, dear brothers and sisters, we can boldly enter heaven’s Most Holy Place because of the blood of Jesus. By his death, Jesus opened a new and life-giving way through the curtain into the Most Holy Place. And since we have a great High Priest who rules over God’s house, let us go right into the presence of God with sincere hearts fully trusting him. For our guilty consciences have been sprinkled with Christ’s blood to make us clean, and our bodies have been washed with pure water."
-Hebrews 10:19-22

Psalm 111

"He has paid a full ransom for his people.
He has guaranteed his covenant with them forever.
What a holy, awe-inspiring name he has!
Fear of the Lord is the foundation of true wisdom.
All who obey his commandments will grow in wisdom.

Praise him forever!"
-Psalm 111:9-10


I...want to be faithful.
I have been so concerned about...people...things...her; decisions, choices, consequences, sin...things.

Why...do I care...and concerned...and...and...and...

I don't know how to cope with any of this.
Your glory, your majesty, your perfection...and then there is actually living life...sins, passion, feelings, things...more things, even more things...me being too far above people to where there is no real substance of relationship.

I am either petrified or screw things up...the beautiful thing is You don't hate me. I sometimes think you are the only one who cares...and conversely the only one who can hate me so much...

But...but...grace?
Love?

I am so tired.
I am so so tired.



What do You want from me?
Love, trust, intimacy...I just want to be yours.
You paid for me with blood...blood I can't take for granted by just behaving like a juvenile. I have been a fool...and just I don't know.

I don't know...

I feel a bit stupid.
Yeah...

And...another day.
Pity how that seemed to have worked out.