Shades on the Desert Afternoon

"I met a lonely man in the desert, the traveling priest, Nicholas D. Wolfwood. He smiled, and then he told me that I’m a troubled man. Faced with his all-seeing smile, there was nothing I could say in my defense. Did I meet this man because I was destined to? Or was it simply by a small jest of God? The man’s name is Nicholas D. Wolfwood, a traveling priest I met in the desert."

-Vash The Stampede, 'Trigun'


I think one of the biggest determinants to the reputation of Jesus that we Christians do is our know it all judgemental attitudes.

I was told earlier that I am a pessimist and I won't argue that label.

I can't.

I am.

I also think I am a realist who has an inability to turn his mind off and just 'enjoy'.

I don't do it to annoy people because I do know it bothers people, I am just me. I try to be loving and I fail, I try to be more empathetic towards those I live around...and God is it hard. I find it harder still to just put a positive spin on something as vital as understanding Truth.

Faith is understandable in action, action that is prefaced by studying, carried out in love and finished with questioning everything.

No one is ever happy, things are either too complicated, too simple, too religious, too irreverent, too bad, too good, too holy, too disgusting...and it goes on and on. Every day of my life I spew the same garbage of lies I tell myself so I can sleep at night and foster this false belief that I can stay afloat on my ego alone.

I mean, everyone does this.

We lie to ourselves, lie to each other and to God; the absolute pathetic thing is the person we only fool is ourselves.

The number of people I know who only get satisfaction out of living out another life...by some means or another...is scary...how often am I so afraid of reality that I can't take a small step forward?

There is this phobia of true commitment to others, to this idea of finding my purpose and identity in Jesus alone...it's more of feeling shame that I still believe this insane crap twelve years later...and I still haven't given into the concept of abusing it for exploitation reasons.

I have conversations like that now that I think about it...what the hell is wrong with people? What does it matter what I believe if you don't even know what you believe or more importantly *why* you believe it?

The problem, the problem is me.

Ego.

I.

This idea that people are hear to revolve around me and to somehow bow down to me. That the only person that matters is me.

It's safe to say any good I've done was by sheer accident or proof there is an infinite One that still has an interest in taking part of a broken and finite race called man.

I hate falling into these repeating cycles of beating myself up...because that isn't the point. My point is that all of us are broken and that the only way things can improve is by fixing it.

I don't throw out Jesus' name because I hate sounding like I'm trying to sell a stupid shirt. He is more than a quick fix, more than a way of getting high and forgetting life, more than this positive, more than this negative...He is.

That is about all I can say and still remain my integrity.

How does one paint the picture of how the Infinite Truth stepped down and took on the shell of a human?

Most days I want to check myself into an insane asylum.

Partly because of how much I fear people but also because of how insane my beliefs sound to myself...but I've been sharing, singing and acting on it the past couple of days. It has been exhausting, frustrating but so much...more then I can put into words. I try to just talk about it plain...but so much gets in the way...so many hopes, fears, doubts belief...and life.

But His love is carrying me just has it has all these years...where it goes...I know not but I know I must follow...cross and all.
"If you've gotten anything at all out of following Christ, if his love has made any difference in your life, if being in a community of the Spirit means anything to you, if you have a heart, if you care— then do me a favor: Agree with each other, love each other, be deep-spirited friends. Don't push your way to the front; don't sweet-talk your way to the top. Put yourself aside, and help others get ahead. Don't be obsessed with getting your own advantage. Forget yourselves long enough to lend a helping hand.

Think of yourselves the way Christ Jesus thought of himself. He had equal status with God but didn't think so much of himself that he had to cling to the advantages of that status no matter what. Not at all. When the time came, he set aside the privileges of deity and took on the status of a slave, became human! Having become human, he stayed human. It was an incredibly humbling process. He didn't claim special privileges. Instead, he lived a selfless, obedient life and then died a selfless, obedient death—and the worst kind of death at that—a crucifixion.

Because of that obedience, God lifted him high and honored him far beyond anyone or anything, ever, so that all created beings in heaven and on earth—even those long ago dead and buried—will bow in worship before this Jesus Christ, and call out in praise that he is the Master of all, to the glorious honor of God the Father."
-Philippians 2:1-11

You Are So Beautiful Tonight...

I slept and it was well all things considered.

My thoughts are bleeding all over the place...hope...unrest...desire...longing...all these emotions, these thoughts, these feelings...they have names but they are not.

It's like the days flow...so well so overlapping...with transitions in all sorts of colors.

It's going to be a slower day...only one show and then painting some wheel chair ramps.

It should be slow but in a good way.


But some questions remain...

Where is this going?
How are You in this?
What about pain?
What about my friend?

It irks my beyond comprehension...that it doesn't seem that You hear the prayers being spoken for her...is this it? Someone without real knowledge of You? What does it take to motivate You to speak to someone?

I know things are complicated...but it hurts to see someone who doesn't know the Truth...and that you the Truth indeed.

It is true I doubt a lot and have little confidence...but God...I am Yours and You are mine...this impossible mixture of the divine courting and cultivating the love of a shallow and broken being.

"Soul, what's wrong?
Why are you troubled here within me?
Deep inside my heart, my soul, what's wrong?
So my God I do not see why You forgive me
Do You need me? Am I wise? Am I strong?
So Why, so why, so why, so why?

Why do You even love me?
Why do You even care?
Why should You think of me?
Oh my God, I'll never know. It's
Unconditional love, Unconditional love, Unconditional love,
The grace flood

Take my hand and lead me further up within here
Deep inside Your heart, With in your soul
On my knees as I crawl steady up the incline
The glory of Your face and I can't stand."
-The OC Supertones, "Grace Flood"

Help me to believe...to know...I feel so tired...so weak and shallow...help me to find this water I need...this fire to burn and keep me alive when I am stranded in this Wilderness...

...if you want a broken and needy heart...here it is...

I need to drink this water in as Life, I need the Logos present...the burning hope...something outside but in...You know how it is.

I try.
I fail.
I doubt.
I cry.
I hurt.

But then You are something more...somehow...beyond self...beyond life...this inexpressible...this impossibly wonderful...but still...You hide...why?

You bridge the gap between the possible and impossible...do it once again.

Please.

In a real way...save the life of the one I pray for...give mercy to my ungrateful heart...teach me to be humble...rip this apart.

Screw holding onto this fake dignity and the shame of being a born again hypocrite, living in this rotting shell for my life.

I don't care.

"The world is full of ones like me
Who need to see the truth
But the truth is never truth indeed
The truth is only you"


"The Word was first,
the Word present to God,
God present to the Word.
The Word was God,
in readiness for God from day one.

Everything was created through him;
nothing—not one thing!—
came into being without him.
What came into existence was Life,
and the Life was Light to live by.
The Life-Light blazed out of the darkness;
the darkness couldn't put it out.

There once was a man, his name John, sent by God to point out the way to the Life-Light. He came to show everyone where to look, who to believe in. John was not himself the Light; he was there to show the way to the Light.

The Life-Light was the real thing:
Every person entering Life
he brings into Light.
He was in the world,
the world was there through him,
and yet the world didn't even notice.
He came to his own people,
but they didn't want him.
But whoever did want him,
who believed he was who he claimed
and would do what he said,
He made to be their true selves,
their child-of-God selves.
These are the God-begotten,
not blood-begotten,
not flesh-begotten,
not sex-begotten.

The Word became flesh and blood,
and moved into the neighborhood.
We saw the glory with our own eyes,
the one-of-a-kind glory,
like Father, like Son,
Generous inside and out,
true from start to finish.

John pointed him out and called, "This is the One! The One I told you was coming after me but in fact was ahead of me. He has always been ahead of me, has always had the first word."

We all live off his generous bounty,
gift after gift after gift.
We got the basics from Moses,
and then this exuberant giving and receiving,
This endless knowing and understanding—
all this came through Jesus, the Messiah.
No one has ever seen God,
not so much as a glimpse.
This one-of-a-kind God-Expression,
who exists at the very heart of the Father,
has made him plain as day."

-John 1:1-18