I've hit a point to where I'm seriously considering just not doing NANOWRIMO this year. I can't focus...I have no idea what I want to write about much less something I would actually enjoy.

I'm such a minefield of convoluted thoughts right now.

Every idea I come up with is even more stupid than the last.

Part of the self imposed stipulation I had this year was that I can't write unless I find a job...and I found one...another menial and pointless minimum wage job that I am sure is only going to enhance my fun insomnia issues.

My optimism is that life is almost over, both good and bad.
Every moment is contained in this one.
All that there ever was could fit in the breadth of this single breath.

And...

There just is nothing of matter and of point I can bring my mind around to focus on...it's being so lost in the forest that I forgot about trees. There is a strong part of me that wants to leave the forest and see what the rest of life offers...but so much more of me doesn't care if I see another ray of sunlight again.

There is a dark blot that is on my soul and it is darkness.
It see all as hypocrisy and the divine as a profane hallucination.
I do not remember what it is I wanted to see.
What kind of change I was wanting to feel.

Where is the breeze,
the wind from the West
which brought us to this land?

A mythic land existed inside my mind.
I pretended absolutes were absolute
and that the finite could touch
and reach into the heavens.
Instead I feel the absurdity
of my blasphemy.

Nothing can last forever,
the eternal is in our hearts
and death doth matter
but as for these fleeting thoughts
I know not.

I want to curse the day
the moment I realized
and then knew
and ever since have been plagued
by this burning hunger for knowledge.

Knowing does nothing
to console the grieving heart
and does nothing
to help one live.

Trouble breathing,
nothing new.
Just a touch of madness
and a departing of emotion,
replacement with apathy
and the desire to fade away.

To not be seen,
such a blessing,
but even more blessed
is the one to never be born.
Sacred affirmation
of a realized salvation.

"What are you so scared of sister
What made you so afraid to feel
To chose a stone cold liberation
The one thing I hate most about me
Is the one thing you want to make your trademark
To feel lust without cute boring love

But don't you ever just like me
Long for purity
Don't you ever
Get sick of our territories
Don't you ever feel like glass
Fragile, hurting, letting it pass
Don't you think it's time to trespass

But when the fire is gone
Who are you?
What are you so scared of sister?
I'm just as scared as you"

I hate these...feelings...these sensations and thoughts.
I just wish I could be stripped of them all.
Lobotomized of all of these pains so I could be free.
Maybe just maybe not hurt so much...

I don't know what I believe and if I believe that...
My mind is so convoluted.
Being so selfish hasn't helped.

Is there anybody out there?

As if I needed more reasons to be depressed...

Let's count the reasons:
1.Chronic pain.
2.Drama every few feet.
3.Ministryless.
4.Jobless.
5.Unable to eat foodless.

And...I won't be going to Atlanta to help with xxxchurch's outreach at the gay pride festival...because I don't have money. I can't borrow a car (mine needs an oil change and tires fixed) and I do not have the gas money for a trip there and back again. All my attempts at securing some sort of help has failed.

Gargh.

This whole planning and still failing thing is getting...really freaking upsetting.

YES I am taking this worse than I should...but I just want...I mean I pray and I feel led to do things and it doesn't work out...and I don't know what to do...I don't know what to say or pray except to cry and cry a lot because of how frustrated I am.

Maybe I'm not supposed to be a minister or do ministry work as a 'profession' but then...just what the heck am I supposed to do?

God I feel so sick...I'm trying not to throw up but this stress is just making is worse.

*sigh*

I'm going to go jump out my window and see if I can land on my head in such a way that ideas are forced to jump forward.

Never too Early to Have my Eyes Profaned

I do not sleep much at all these days...a mixture of anxiety, pain and medication keep me running and I'm sure at some later date I'm going to collapse and sleep for a month but that is a side point that has nothing to do with what is on my mind. I was looking at my blog, rereading the past days insanity and decided to look at another blog, so I started clicking on the 'next' button located at the top of the screen and made it through some unremarkable blogs before I landed on a Russian porn site.

I suppose it does say something about my brain that when it is confronted with a language that is not mine and naked bodies my mind instantly focuses on the language and tries to identify it. After a few seconds I had my answer and I was just left sort of...stunned at the rather over the top graphic pictures I was seeing.

I felt sick to my stomach and just this...pity and hurt for the people in the pictures.

I don't understand how people can willingly get into porn, stripping or prostituting themselves. A lot of people seem to get in it because of bad financial issues and some just get into it because of some need for expression or voyeurism...but God I just do not get it.

I don't understand why people find that sort of thing attractive...random naked human beings reduced to caricatures that would be the same for advertising a sandwhich. I mean, for God's sake these are human beings, not just objects strewn about for fun.

I do not understand it but I do not want it to seem like I'm trying to come off as if I'm trying to judge them...it's the industry, the people who buy this garbage that helps to fuel what I can't help but call exploitation. In most cases it may be consenting adults...but somewhere at some point the souls are just having to die.

Looking at the smut on my computer screen I felt like I was looking at something as intimate as broken and bloody bodies on the side of the road from a car wreck. This is someone's daughter, their sister, their cousin, their friend...I just don't...there is this mental block here in my head.

I mean, I am human, I have a sex drive and sort of understand the notion of how nudity can even be tasteful art but this...I just don't know.

XXXChurch has always been a ministry I've supported and wanted to work with because they don't beat people with Bibles, they instead give them out at porn conventions and tell them that Jesus loves them, loves the porn stars. And it's the truth...those of us who know Jesus, none of us are loved based on our merits...but based on the fact Jesus loves us because we are, no more and no less.

It feels like pretentious crap to say I want to pray for these actors, those who are addicted to this stuff, those who I know that have failing marriages because of it...but saying that always feels like I'm trying to be smug and point the finger and say "Look how not screwed up I am!" but I am...mentally I am screwed up.

I don't understand sexuality and how it defines my identity exactly...I don't know what being a real man is about. I've never had a steady father figure...I've had a few mentors that have helped...but no one I can just call dad, I guess that is one reason why I cling to Jesus so desperately...I don't feel I can really connect with people and if God loves me...well that is something much better than just feeling like I'm a freak that a dad couldn't love enough to stay in the picture for.

I don't want to go into the details but I was subjected to porn when I was younger and it's always made me feel incredibly awkward. Most general thoughts of nudity in general makes me feel nauseated...personally if I could I would shower while wearing a wetsuit and pretend that sexuality didn't exist...

I'm not comfortable with the whole idea of us being made in God's image as male and female...the fact I do have a sex drive, I have feelings and emotions...all that mixed in my head just makes me want to scream and throw myself through a window to just try and knock some logic into myself.

I just feel so bombarded with sexuality...it feels so cheap and worthless when you think that sex is supposed to be this holy and sacred thing and it's been reduced to something as shallow as hamburger meat. It honestly enrages me beyond expression that so many females I care about have this idea that somehow they are inferior because they are not mirror images of what is dancing across that stupid television set...what is all this stupid chaos and nonsense?

It's like watching tremors from the fall still shake across and make society reveal itself as this cheap and shallow thing. What good old days? Human beings have always been cheap and disgusting...just super religiousism manages to act like everything is fine.


I just...at the end of the day I wish I could just expunge all of these feelings of need and desire...wash away every thought and want for a relationship...maybe I'm different but I don't want sex if I cannot have it in marriage...it seems so cheap and shallow and I just want things to work out perfectly somehow...and I just don't understand.

My mind is so limited and I am blinded by everything I do not know...

But Jesus is more than just Love...He is.
There is hope and hope that things will not stay the same...that somehow everything can be made right.

I do not want to be this shallow person who pretends to understand love...I want to throw my life away and take up whatever ministry it is I am supposed to be doing...I want to work with xxxchurch and work in the spiritual slums where people do not know they are loved. The whole joke about meeting a Christian stripper wasn't funny the first time and I just...I hate how shallow and hollow everything feels about life.

I don't understand why people would want to pay someone for sex, pay them to take their clothes off in this fake expression that has no real meaning...am I just missing something? Some sort of gene? Is it wrong that I think people who are so hyper focused on sex that they have no perspective and think that it is 'good' have something screwed up?

I'm not trying to be judging...it's not my place to condemn and people have the right to free speech...but what about when that speech starts eating at their souls and other peoples?


People are lonely and want a cheap thrill...I'm lonely and just want to just go Home...to go away from this confusing place that I want no part of...not because of being a self righteous prick...but because I'm a depressed coward too afraid of life to act. I want to go away so I never have to see this place again. I want to feel eternity and know everything...will be...okay...

Wishing for Hope

Is it normal to...long for another world like this?
To wish for all things to be brought to their end...
To know my person leaving this world behind?
I don't know.
I long for freedom.
To be truly free.
No more illness.
No more of this bleeding heart.
I wan to be united with my only possible Love.
No more pain.
I'm tired of being so lonely.
Since the day I was ill conceived.
I'm ready for something more.
If there is and will be.

How long Lord?
How long will I wait?
To have my desires unfufilled.
To have nothing but these insufficent longings as my friends?
How long?
Please.
End this now.

Quote of the Day:

"Can a mortal ask questions which God finds unanswerable? Quite easily, I should think. All nonsense questions are unanswerable. How many hours are there in a mile? Is yellow square or round? Probably half the questions we ask-half our great theological and metaphysical problems-are like that."
-C.S. Lewis