Night into Dawn

I want to run from you.
Flee as far as I might.
From the east is as to the west.
My fear of being loved is too much.

I am.
That is the best I can manage.
You know me, my soul.
I am so...
I just am.
I can't think of anymore to say.

I complain, I cry, I rant...
But here I am.
Good and bad, ugly and beautiful
everything that I am.

Thank you for loving me.
I can only love because you first loved me.

I may be feeling like thawed out death...but it is nice to write some...and feel a little bit better.

Every bit helps.

Psalm 146

"Praise the Lord!

Let all that I am praise the Lord.
I will praise the Lord as long as I live.
I will sing praises to my God with my dying breath.

Don’t put your confidence in powerful people;
there is no help for you there.
When they breathe their last, they return to the earth,
and all their plans die with them.
But joyful are those who have the God of Israel[a] as their helper,
whose hope is in the Lord their God."
-Psalm 146:1-5


I love you, I love you Daddy...you are so wonderful, beautiful and giving to one as shallow and immature as I am...and I can be.

No one knows me.
No human here will ever know me...would want to know every dark and disgusting about me...but you know and you never stopped pursuing me.
If anything, the harder I fought against you and tried to run...the greater the grace and beauty you wrapped me in.

I have seen and felt so much disappointment and pain...these temporal trinkets of wanting material things, of wanting marriage and a family...it is all fleeting and everything I am will perish and be wiped from this world so soon...I just want to be caught up in loving you when I die.

As often as I complain, as cynical as my heart can be...can I just sit here in this exhausted and sickly stupor, can I sit here and have you hold me close?
Hold my head to your chest so I can hear your heartbeat and love for a wicked son such as me. I want to feel you, I need to be near you...not just words, not just pious religion...but you Abba, Daddy...my love and beginning and end.


Every time I stumble into a relationship...I've caused so much pain. I never realize how destructive I am to others and myself...how me loosing sight of you and trying to find happiness and meaning in relationships...just causes me to become so dependent that I loose the ability to function when I loose someone, anyone...not to mention the hypocrisy that I vomit in my words.

How can you love so a wretched and unworthy sinner as myself?

Thank you, thank you...oh daddy, thank you so much.
Just let me find peace enough for the night as it turns into day...keep me close and show me the love I will never be able to understand.

Help me...give me strength to endure this indefinite period of singularity and the honest reality it won't end until I take my final step from this life and have you to wipe away my tears and comfort my broken body and soul...give me enough grace for today...let me find myself in you so I can just make this next step as best as I can.