I'm starting to loose some of my capacity of empathy for those who keep putting themselves in bad situations. =/

"A Grief Observed" - A Review, of Sorts

So I read C.S. Lewis' "A Grief Observed" in one sitting today. The only other book I have done that with in recent memory was Elie Wiesel's "Night".

I suppose there is enough common threads between the two for that to make sense...raw and undiluted visions of what it means to suffer, to loose one's world and to question God, to raise the questions shouted when it becomes darkest.

I've never seen such profound lost over love expressed in something that was real...there are so much romantic nonsense and Hollywood embellishments on the subject of love that to actually find such a sincere ache at having lost something so beautiful...it's like drinking frigid water...it quenches the thirst but more importantly awakens the soul to the arid environment that is so deprived of any semblance of understanding love.

I thought I possibly might have understood love but if love is this deep, this profound and so all consuming that to loose it is to loose yourself...than I have profoundly lied to those closest to me.

This is something...so profound, so beautiful and so disturbing at the same time. The majority of people must never love like this or marriage would be so much more respected and revered...as to opposed to being a meaningless laughingstock to most.

In a lot of ways I have sacrificed personal relationships out of fear...it's easier to think you love someone as infinite as God when you have no finite benchmark...instead all I have really been doing is running since I could choose to.

I want to know what it means to really love people...because I am afraid I've never really done that...I have a bad habit of running from most people once they reached certain level of closeness...and I have a developed habit that I have groomed for getting myself into utterly asinine situations.

Apathy is never a solution...but giving access to my inner most thoughts to...well even this blog...it's almost like it can act as a means of misdirections. "Yes, look at this horrible detail of my life so you will NOT see the big picture and the rampant hypocrisy that guides my every breath!"

So many questions...he asked so many questions in the book...none I have answers for. Most pressing are the ones concerning love and about what happens when one dies...what truly happens...answers nowhere to be found in the Bible or on this world.

I am forced to agree with Lewis' assertion that it is with a knowing and sympathetic ear God listens to this plea to know...but ultimately we can't process or understand it. These things are so much bigger...and powerful...

...sigh...I have so much more to think and write about but I must sleep...I'm getting myself worked into a hole of wanting isolation and to be away from people but the morning is early and there is church...so I'll be leaving this with a quote from the book.


** ** ** ** **

"The terrible thing is that a perfectly good God is in this matter hardly less formidable than a Cosmic Sadist. The more we believe that God hurts only to heal, the less we can believe that there is any use in begging for tenderness. A cruel man might be bribed - might grow tired of his vile sport - might have a temporary fit of mercy, as alcoholics have fits of sobriety.

But supposed that what you are up against is a surgeon whose intentions are wholly good. The kinder and more conscientious he is, the more inexorably he will go on cutting. If he yielded to your entreaties, if he stopped before the operation was complete, all the pain to that point would have been useless. But is it credible that such extremities of torture should be necessary for us? Well, take you choice. The tortures occur. If they are unnecessary, then there is no God or a bad one. If there is a good God, then these tortures are necessary. For no moderately good Being could possibly inflict or permit them if they weren't.

Either way, we're for it.

What do people mean when they say, "I am not afraid of God because I know He is good?" Have they never even been to a dentist?"

If I am to speak I must be cleansed for I am a man of unclean lips, one who has never understood love and played at understanding the Divine...so much eternal beauty and with every breath I am forced to relearn the basics of my faith again.

Quote of the Day:

"I hate cynicism...it's my least favorite quality and it doesn't lead anywhere. Nobody in life gets exactly what they thought they were going to get. But if you work really hard and you're kind, amazing things will happen."
-Conan O'Brien

Fleeting Glimmers of Dying Reds on the Water

Tonight my heart is bleeding,
just falling apart for You.
It's now or never
failing or fallacy,
either pull me along
and let me live
or let the sun fade on this life.

At Your beauty I'm lost for words.

I can't give
I can't trade this away,
my soul is fading
while trapped in this dying machine
and all I have left
is nothing.

Let me fall on grace
for it's all I have left
as this dark night
slowly passes on,
seemingly to never end
as I wait praying.

The cornerstone of human failure is thinking we know what we want, one might think that I would have caught onto this by now but getting what I want is so often the stupidest thing I could have done.