Idiosyncratic Ramblings

Meh.

Eh?

Bah.

Emph.

I really cannot get my mind going to start writing something coherent...mental and emotional funk in line with my physical aching and hurting.

So much...internal conflict and convoluted thought...over thought.
And things.
And pain.

I wonder.
Yeah it makes me wonder.
All the aches, pains and mehness.

Sums...everything adding to something...unknown and confusing...

I'm not even making sense to myself.
I could use less pain, warmth, a hug, reassurance, love, a gentle breeze, seeing the stars and knowing I am loved.

Things.
Yeah things.

I wish I could be more apathetic, more calm, more cool and collected then I tend to ever be.

Too much passion, too many emotions...all of it misdirected into...this black hole of pointlessness.


Everything will be better in time.
Everything will be healed.
Everything will be restored.
Everything made new.

It's just the waiting that kills me.

"Hey you
What you running from?
All your hate
What you've become
Bet you didn't think
It would happen to you
All used up
Half way through

And this is not my face
And this is not my life
And there is not a single thing here
I can recognize
This is all a dream
And none of you
are real
I'll give anything"

Anything.
Anything.
Any.
Thing.

Murph.

That...would be a good attempt at summarizing.

Incidental Transcendentalism

Dawn, is so peculiar.
Because of being so sick, so often I rarely take the time to enjoy anything outside of my room...much less the sun rising and setting.

The light coming to life and dying away.
Colors being painted across the sky, spreading across like the laugh of a child and then fading away like the last sparks of life.

We have these huge post marks of life and death.
Everything else in between helps some give some meaning.
It's so hard to remember how and why.

Contrary to popular belief I am not miserable all the time.
I just tend to feel things far too intensely for my own good.
Put me alongside those who are happy and I feel their joy.
Likewise for the miserable.




A pity Jesus said nothing about going to parties, concerts, playing more video games, watching more comedies and laughing more.

Then again, life is to be lived.
Who was it that said life was wasted on the living?
I've done and seen some amazing things.

Feeling the wind in my hair, the taste of salt on the air, the sounds of laughter and the mists of rain as a gentle kiss.+

So many of the small things in our lives reflect who we are, who we really are deep within us and behind all the masks we try to hide behind.


So that makes me wonder what my love of the absurd, silly and none sense says about me...if much at all.

As the day begins, much like it will end...in bed and darkness...I can't help but wonder what will or can happen today. How much pain, how tired, how life will happen and everything in and around the between.

Somethings and some people I may miss...but most I won't.
Most of the things I cannot.
Why waste my time worrying and grieving over things that were make believe in the first place?

Maybe I can have some non-cynical conversations today as well.
And maybe pigs will start flying as well.
Never know, right?