Isaiah 1

"“What makes you think I want all your sacrifices?”
says the Lord.
“I am sick of your burnt offerings of rams
and the fat of fattened cattle.
I get no pleasure from the blood
of bulls and lambs and goats."


"Wash yourselves and be clean!
Get your sins out of my sight.
Give up your evil ways.
Learn to do good.
Seek justice.
Help the oppressed.
Defend the cause of orphans.
Fight for the rights of widows.

“Come now, let’s settle this,”
says the Lord.
“Though your sins are like scarlet,
I will make them as white as snow.
Though they are red like crimson,
I will make them as white as wool."
-Isaiah 1:11, 16-18


So many words, so many things...how much of any of this makes any sense at all?

I am so tired.
I feel so sick.
My soul is troubled and I'm weighed down by worries, concerns and wanting to help...but I can't even help myself.

I feel so lost and misplaced.

At church today, I felt You.
I felt you in the prayers, in the music, in seeing people come to You and worship...there was an atmosphere of acceptance...even though I wandered around like a lost lamb...no, lost goat.

Point being...I don't have any sacrificial offerings I can give You.
Just my heart.
Broken, confused and battered...second hand and falling apart.

You have seen me, you see right into me...for you all my insides are displayed...all the good, bad and ugly parts...everything I hate about myself and everything I am ashamed of.

I just...need, crave and want to be loved.

The Darkness is there.
Within me.
Outside my window.
Waiting.
Thinking.
Growing.
Thriving in every recess of my heart that I won't break open.

My sins are too numerous to recount and I just...want to find peace.
If I could sleep that would be something.
Instead, I ache...I hurt.
So much pain.
So tired.

I've got nothing.
Nothing at all.

If you can make this real, make this grace alive in me...help me.
Help me to take that first step.
Help me love, help me do the right thing...I've got nothing left.
I'm just holding on and hoping.