I amaze myself at my ability to screw things up in an utterly unfixable sense.
At least I am good at what I do...right?
Wednesday, November 25, 2009
Jesus?
I don't know if I know You.
I certainly don't recognize the Caucasian with the 'Aryan' tendencies for blond hair and blue eyes. I don't see you asking for money on the television nor do I hear you in increasingly crappy pop music.
I haven't seen you in a while.
The last time I saw you was in the eyes of a homeless guy who was desperate for money to fuel his next hit.
It was really awkward but I think I saw more of you in that conversation then in about ten years worth of crappy sermons and music that makes my soul more depressed.
I'm getting disturbed by the fact I'm finding more spiritual significance in Trent Reznor's music then I am in trying to find more 'uplifting' music. There is at least honesty in the darkness...compared to the false pretense of dark disguising as light.
I see hope.
It's not just all darkness...
But it's my own path I can't see at all.
I'm trying to be obedient...but every time I take a step in what I feel is the right direction...I get hurt.
Bad.
And now...Mobile?
Why?
Why am I returning to this place that makes me so afraid for my soul?
I would be less afraid in Las Vegas, San Fransisco, Las Angles or New York...because there my soul wouldn't grow complacent.
I wouldn't be forced to dine on this expired spiritual garbage.
I need honesty.
I want to walk into the darkness.
I need to feel that what I'm doing is relevant.
Hiding in the Christian subculture bubble isn't my calling.
But I've been sick in bed for two years...that was for a reason, right?
I've felt my heart turn to stone just to have it shattered...and feel it bleed so painfully...that was for a reason, right?
I feel closer to You but more far away than ever.
I want to cry because I can't feel the One I Love.
That is for a reason, right?
Help my weak faith.
It's the fetid, malnourished and dying creature.
Help me with my lack of faith.
Help me forget about myself...this pain overwhelming my senses.
I want to get lost in You.
I want to feel You...more intimately than before.
I want to scream until my lungs are numb because I would rather die in this Love than live another day numb in this gray land.
I certainly don't recognize the Caucasian with the 'Aryan' tendencies for blond hair and blue eyes. I don't see you asking for money on the television nor do I hear you in increasingly crappy pop music.
I haven't seen you in a while.
The last time I saw you was in the eyes of a homeless guy who was desperate for money to fuel his next hit.
It was really awkward but I think I saw more of you in that conversation then in about ten years worth of crappy sermons and music that makes my soul more depressed.
I'm getting disturbed by the fact I'm finding more spiritual significance in Trent Reznor's music then I am in trying to find more 'uplifting' music. There is at least honesty in the darkness...compared to the false pretense of dark disguising as light.
I see hope.
It's not just all darkness...
But it's my own path I can't see at all.
I'm trying to be obedient...but every time I take a step in what I feel is the right direction...I get hurt.
Bad.
And now...Mobile?
Why?
Why am I returning to this place that makes me so afraid for my soul?
I would be less afraid in Las Vegas, San Fransisco, Las Angles or New York...because there my soul wouldn't grow complacent.
I wouldn't be forced to dine on this expired spiritual garbage.
I need honesty.
I want to walk into the darkness.
I need to feel that what I'm doing is relevant.
Hiding in the Christian subculture bubble isn't my calling.
But I've been sick in bed for two years...that was for a reason, right?
I've felt my heart turn to stone just to have it shattered...and feel it bleed so painfully...that was for a reason, right?
I feel closer to You but more far away than ever.
I want to cry because I can't feel the One I Love.
That is for a reason, right?
Help my weak faith.
It's the fetid, malnourished and dying creature.
Help me with my lack of faith.
Help me forget about myself...this pain overwhelming my senses.
I want to get lost in You.
I want to feel You...more intimately than before.
I want to scream until my lungs are numb because I would rather die in this Love than live another day numb in this gray land.
Forthcoming Collapse
Weary as the lies
and fallacies
that drip from your tongue,
my soul is run ragged
just from the maze
of your indecipherable mind
and I'm starting
to simply just fade.
Apathy,
sweet wine
and cauterizing poison
drowning my soul.
Love,
bitter pain
rip open these sores
and pull me awake.
Every twist of this turn
is leading me
and pulling me,
dragging me along with you
and I don't know
and haven't cared.
I just want to know
what you mean
when you say
and how you feel
what you mean
because altogether
it means nothing to me.
Words are just words
and God knows I hate this fake season
as much as everyone else
but to my heart
there is a special place
for over hypocrisy.
Just be honest
when you shove that dagger
deeper in my back
and maybe
we can just learn to be
the best of all kinds of friends.
And I can lay here
and enjoy the feelings of mercy
as they drip away from me
and I sort of just loose myself
like I've been trying to for years.
It's like everything said
and everything never meant
were the words and the deeds
that push along my soul being rendered
as my insides get put up for display
in these gardens you maintain.
Blood making payments to the grass
being a new soil
mixing with foreign regrets
and everything new
as life is cast and directed
to revolve around you.
Pale metaphors
barely renown
as they fall
making place
and biting their tongues
as I resume this silence.
My integrity sold by the yard
as I look back into silence
and another stay in exile.
Maybe I'll get lost this time
and never seek to return.
If there is justice
none shall see me again
and I'll fade back into the night
from which I came
and no more pain
shall issue forth
from these cracked lips
and the twisted nether
of my broken soul.
and fallacies
that drip from your tongue,
my soul is run ragged
just from the maze
of your indecipherable mind
and I'm starting
to simply just fade.
Apathy,
sweet wine
and cauterizing poison
drowning my soul.
Love,
bitter pain
rip open these sores
and pull me awake.
Every twist of this turn
is leading me
and pulling me,
dragging me along with you
and I don't know
and haven't cared.
I just want to know
what you mean
when you say
and how you feel
what you mean
because altogether
it means nothing to me.
Words are just words
and God knows I hate this fake season
as much as everyone else
but to my heart
there is a special place
for over hypocrisy.
Just be honest
when you shove that dagger
deeper in my back
and maybe
we can just learn to be
the best of all kinds of friends.
And I can lay here
and enjoy the feelings of mercy
as they drip away from me
and I sort of just loose myself
like I've been trying to for years.
It's like everything said
and everything never meant
were the words and the deeds
that push along my soul being rendered
as my insides get put up for display
in these gardens you maintain.
Blood making payments to the grass
being a new soil
mixing with foreign regrets
and everything new
as life is cast and directed
to revolve around you.
Pale metaphors
barely renown
as they fall
making place
and biting their tongues
as I resume this silence.
My integrity sold by the yard
as I look back into silence
and another stay in exile.
Maybe I'll get lost this time
and never seek to return.
If there is justice
none shall see me again
and I'll fade back into the night
from which I came
and no more pain
shall issue forth
from these cracked lips
and the twisted nether
of my broken soul.
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