"Yet I see true art, I see her, and I see you
and Father you inspire me to sing to you
you inspire me to sing to you"

Proverbs 19

"Better a poor man whose walk is blameless
than a fool whose lips are perverse.
It is not good to have zeal without knowledge,
nor to be hasty and miss the way.
A man's own folly ruins his life,
yet his heart rages against the LORD."
-Proverbs 19:1-3


Poor, foolish, rash, folly and rage...oh dear so much rage...

How does scripture know me better than I know myself?
I go from wanting to hide my head in the sand to screaming curses to the heavens...and yet here I am, my fleeting life preserved when I have done so much sin and done so willingly and gleefully.

How do you love such a wicked man that merely masquerades as a son?


Loving correction and a chance at a new day...I can breath, taste, smell, feel, experience every day...thank you.
Thank you, thank you.

I can pain so many pictures of myself and what it is like to be in love with me...please continue to teach me, correct me, love me, break me...and help me grow.

I can't stand the distance between us...please fill in the gap and love me.

Who am I?
Words...so many words...
But thank you.
Again and again Beloved, thank you.

Everyone is worth loving, everyone is worth taking the time to listen to.

However not everyone is worthy of trust or the privilege of knowing my thoughts, knowing who I really am under this skin...

I hate pain.
I can't stand it.
Knowing others are suffering or anything like that...even if it is listening I want to but God knows I would do everything I can...

...but that is just it, isn't it?

It's not my place to carry people or their burdens.
In fact...maybe it is a sin to try.
It will not let them grow or mature if I take their pain.
We all have to suffer.
I don't think I can ever be a parent or a husband or any sort of intimate relationship like that...I can't handle friendships...how in God's name will I ever be able to pull back and have perspective for things that insane?

I'm better off with books, papers and what few relationships I can salvage and keep afloat.

It is so silly to think I considered...even hoped for some of those things as recently as a few months ago...it was someone who isn't alive anymore.
I am not the person who spent so much effort writing on here in months or years past...I just am.

I don't know who that is or if it is a good thing.
I have no choice but to just accept me as myself and hope the best comes out of life.

Rash, major and impossible decisions are coming out of every hole and hiding place...but I am just too tired to care at all.

All of these mistakes, all of these aches...every poisonous glance and every second wasted in this void...it's not even a paltry smile, screw that...I have dignity, I have pride and refuse to just throw myself at the mercy of beasts and horrors.

I am me.
Every disgusting and noble aspect coming together to make someone who is human.
I'm shallow, so shallow baby but you would never understand how.
I burrow and hide in shame, fleeing from light and at the end of the day I make a mockery of the cross...yet Christ has love enough for me.

That is more than enough for me.
None of you can understand this more than your own experience...the horror, the beauty, the endless facade we put up just to make it through the day...but here we are...day in and day out.

It could never be better or worse.
It is, it is, it is.